I've found that the worse things are, the more I write. Things are good, maybe even great. So much better than I've ever been. Which would explain my absence. That and I've spent the past two weeks house/pet-sitting for my mom (without a working computer) while she and the rest of Messengers were in the Philippines. More on that later, the trip not my house-sitting.
Now what was I going to write about.....umm. That's the problem with having the internet at the tip of my fingers. My mind wanders and I'll think of something I want to look up and I go off on a tangent, and then it's 20 minutes later and my original train of thought has left without me. For you it'll just be a second for your eye to move to the next line, but between this sentence and the next there will likely be a real-time gap of up to 15 minutes.
Nope, can't think of it. Guess this will be a short one then.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
I got a job!
This past Fri night after rehearsal, Joy (a previous cast member not in this current run) said that the place she works at was looking for someone to work evenings. I asked what kind of job it was, she didn't give a very clear description. She said it's a pet boutique and that "it's really easy." That's a subjective idea, but I figured, what-the-hey. She asked if I could come in yesterday around 5pm so she could train me in. I said sure.
The store, 4 Paws Pet Boutique, is in Calhoun Sq Mall.
I'd say the overall feel of Calhoun Sq is maybe a notch below Southdale. The building is small for mall standards, and being located in Uptown is a bit of a detriment, I think. If people are in the neighborhood they're probably there for the restaurants or to go to the theater. But what do I know, I've only been there a grand total of three times.
The shop itself is cute. It has everything you need "for the urban dog or cat": clothes, chew toys (of the plushie, rubber or squeak variety), treats of course. They even have doggie sunglasses and rubber-surfaced running boots. The really nice thing is it doesn't get busy until around 7pm and just before closing at 9, and by busy I mean four or five people in the store at the same time. Other than that, Joy said to bring a book. I think the hardest part is learning all the different procedures on the register. I've got a regular sale pretty much down, even using a card reader. But there are returns and refunds and voiding a sale (which we did a lot of yesterday because I kept hitting the wrong button). I'm taking it all in stride and reminding myself that I've never worked in retail before, I'm not going to be perfect on my first or even second day.
Today I went back in for a more formal interview with one of the bosses. It was a nice relaxed chat, mainly discussing my scholastic history and the possible hours I'll be working. She said things are a little hectic right now with another of their businesses, with employees and whatnot, so she and her partner are going to have a sit-down tomorrow to hammer out a schedule and will call me on Thur morning with the details. I told her that's fine. I figure I haven't had a paycheck in about four years, I can wait another week or so. Like I told my dad, I'd rather have a few days of training without pay than to be dumped in the middle of shift with no clue as to what I'm doing.
The store, 4 Paws Pet Boutique, is in Calhoun Sq Mall.
I'd say the overall feel of Calhoun Sq is maybe a notch below Southdale. The building is small for mall standards, and being located in Uptown is a bit of a detriment, I think. If people are in the neighborhood they're probably there for the restaurants or to go to the theater. But what do I know, I've only been there a grand total of three times.
The shop itself is cute. It has everything you need "for the urban dog or cat": clothes, chew toys (of the plushie, rubber or squeak variety), treats of course. They even have doggie sunglasses and rubber-surfaced running boots. The really nice thing is it doesn't get busy until around 7pm and just before closing at 9, and by busy I mean four or five people in the store at the same time. Other than that, Joy said to bring a book. I think the hardest part is learning all the different procedures on the register. I've got a regular sale pretty much down, even using a card reader. But there are returns and refunds and voiding a sale (which we did a lot of yesterday because I kept hitting the wrong button). I'm taking it all in stride and reminding myself that I've never worked in retail before, I'm not going to be perfect on my first or even second day.
Today I went back in for a more formal interview with one of the bosses. It was a nice relaxed chat, mainly discussing my scholastic history and the possible hours I'll be working. She said things are a little hectic right now with another of their businesses, with employees and whatnot, so she and her partner are going to have a sit-down tomorrow to hammer out a schedule and will call me on Thur morning with the details. I told her that's fine. I figure I haven't had a paycheck in about four years, I can wait another week or so. Like I told my dad, I'd rather have a few days of training without pay than to be dumped in the middle of shift with no clue as to what I'm doing.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Update
Huh, I don't think I've ever been this long in posting before. And not for any particular reason, just because not much has been happening. Of course, not much happens all the time. Um....
While over at my mom's this past week my grandma called and asked if I would go to a baseball game on Sat to get her a bobble-head figure. I said sure before I knew I'd be spending the night at the Metrodome, as in sleeping in a chair outside the gates, in order to be one of the first in line. It might not have been so bad if I had gone home on Sat after I got the doll, but I decided to go to church (it was only four blocks away). So even though it's been five days I'm still tired. Needless to say I'm not doing that again, it was way more fun than I ever want to have again.
I was a little nervous about the whole thing because there were some hiccups in the works. First, grandma called to ask on the Tues before while I was at my mom's, so I wasn't prepared to stay out in the cold (it got down to 37° that night) all night. Then when grandma came to pick me up after rehearsal on Fri to take me to the Dome, she got a flat tire. Luckily there were a group of four young gentlemen who came over to help, unfortunately after they got all the lug-nuts off they couldn't get the tire to budge. By then the rest of the Messengers group came down to the parking lot and stood around in a group and gawked on the pretense of trying to figure out a solution.
Of course it was Dave who saved the day. He walked right to the center of the group of four guys, sat down in front of the stubborn tire and proceeded to kick the heck out of it, first on one side of the hub then on the other. After three good stomps the tire popped loose and everyone present applauded and cheered. On the one hand I was glad that the tire would finally get changed so I could get to the Dome and get this business of sleeping outside for a bit of plastic over with. But on the other hand the thought, directed at Dave, occurred to me of "stop doing that." Granted he didn't help to be helping me, he just helped because it was the right thing to do.
I thought I was over this whole situation, over him, but I guess I'm not. I thought I wasn't angry at him anymore, but he kind of surprised it out of me on Fri. Though now that I think of it, I wasn't angry at him specifically. I was angry because Dave isn't staying in the box I categorized him into, the 'bad guy'. That's where the thought of "stop doing that" came in, it's harder to be angry at Dave for being the 'bad guy' if he keeps doing good things.
While over at my mom's this past week my grandma called and asked if I would go to a baseball game on Sat to get her a bobble-head figure. I said sure before I knew I'd be spending the night at the Metrodome, as in sleeping in a chair outside the gates, in order to be one of the first in line. It might not have been so bad if I had gone home on Sat after I got the doll, but I decided to go to church (it was only four blocks away). So even though it's been five days I'm still tired. Needless to say I'm not doing that again, it was way more fun than I ever want to have again.
I was a little nervous about the whole thing because there were some hiccups in the works. First, grandma called to ask on the Tues before while I was at my mom's, so I wasn't prepared to stay out in the cold (it got down to 37° that night) all night. Then when grandma came to pick me up after rehearsal on Fri to take me to the Dome, she got a flat tire. Luckily there were a group of four young gentlemen who came over to help, unfortunately after they got all the lug-nuts off they couldn't get the tire to budge. By then the rest of the Messengers group came down to the parking lot and stood around in a group and gawked on the pretense of trying to figure out a solution.
Of course it was Dave who saved the day. He walked right to the center of the group of four guys, sat down in front of the stubborn tire and proceeded to kick the heck out of it, first on one side of the hub then on the other. After three good stomps the tire popped loose and everyone present applauded and cheered. On the one hand I was glad that the tire would finally get changed so I could get to the Dome and get this business of sleeping outside for a bit of plastic over with. But on the other hand the thought, directed at Dave, occurred to me of "stop doing that." Granted he didn't help to be helping me, he just helped because it was the right thing to do.
I thought I was over this whole situation, over him, but I guess I'm not. I thought I wasn't angry at him anymore, but he kind of surprised it out of me on Fri. Though now that I think of it, I wasn't angry at him specifically. I was angry because Dave isn't staying in the box I categorized him into, the 'bad guy'. That's where the thought of "stop doing that" came in, it's harder to be angry at Dave for being the 'bad guy' if he keeps doing good things.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
a shameless plug 3
I am currently reading a book called 'The Sword of Mohammed' by Hale Meserow.
The back cover description is as follows:
"What would you do if suddenly your car didn't run, your lights didn't work, your furnace and air conditioner were disabled, your refrigerator became a warm storage cabinet for rapidly decaying food? How would you survive? Where would you go? And suppose on top of that there came a horde of marauders riding swift horses into your city intent upon killing you for your beliefs and stealing your property?
"In this fanciful but not far-fetched page turner, Hale Meserow portrays a world where the ultimate weapon of mass destruction has instantly propelled the United States into a vicious, dog-eat-dog, stone-age madhouse of chaos. This weapon IS out there, and the government fears it's coming!"
Right now I'm only halfway through and I think it's good. It's no Stephen King but this is only Meserow's first published book. The first half is a little dry with some extended sections of explanation, something like the political style of Michael Crichton. After the halfway mark the story starts to get exciting. I recommend picking up a copy.
The back cover description is as follows:
"What would you do if suddenly your car didn't run, your lights didn't work, your furnace and air conditioner were disabled, your refrigerator became a warm storage cabinet for rapidly decaying food? How would you survive? Where would you go? And suppose on top of that there came a horde of marauders riding swift horses into your city intent upon killing you for your beliefs and stealing your property?
"In this fanciful but not far-fetched page turner, Hale Meserow portrays a world where the ultimate weapon of mass destruction has instantly propelled the United States into a vicious, dog-eat-dog, stone-age madhouse of chaos. This weapon IS out there, and the government fears it's coming!"
Right now I'm only halfway through and I think it's good. It's no Stephen King but this is only Meserow's first published book. The first half is a little dry with some extended sections of explanation, something like the political style of Michael Crichton. After the halfway mark the story starts to get exciting. I recommend picking up a copy.
Friday, August 03, 2007
hungry, in pain, irritable
A few days ago I was eating some jelly beans, not being particularly careful, and I chomped the inside of my cheek. Normally this isn't a problem because it's in an out-of-the-way spot between the upper and lower jaw or at least toward the front of my mouth. This time however I bit with my back teeth and, I'm finding out, harder than I thought.
Instead of easing up and letting my mouth heal, I continued with eating as usual thinking the nagging discomfort would go away. Well here it is three days later and my mouth still hurts. I've been subsisting on Slim-Fast and milk-and-yogurt since yesterday in the hopes that limited jaw movement will speed the healing process. Hopefully this pain I feel is just because it's an open and irritated sore (which is what it feels like when I dare to poke my tongue anywhere near there). I think so, if it was infected and festering I think I'd be in a lot more pain.
On the way over to Mom's for the weekend we passed a Burger King and the flame-grilled smell just infiltrated the car even through the closed windows. Then earlier tonight I had this sudden craving for buttery garlic bread. And all I get is vanilla Slim-Fast, liquid yogurt and a lot of stale spit.
Instead of easing up and letting my mouth heal, I continued with eating as usual thinking the nagging discomfort would go away. Well here it is three days later and my mouth still hurts. I've been subsisting on Slim-Fast and milk-and-yogurt since yesterday in the hopes that limited jaw movement will speed the healing process. Hopefully this pain I feel is just because it's an open and irritated sore (which is what it feels like when I dare to poke my tongue anywhere near there). I think so, if it was infected and festering I think I'd be in a lot more pain.
On the way over to Mom's for the weekend we passed a Burger King and the flame-grilled smell just infiltrated the car even through the closed windows. Then earlier tonight I had this sudden craving for buttery garlic bread. And all I get is vanilla Slim-Fast, liquid yogurt and a lot of stale spit.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
the 35W bridge
You've probably already seen the news, but I figured I'd post about it anyway.
Today at just after 6 pm the highway 35W bridge spanning the Mississippi River just north of Downtown Minneapolis collapsed.
This is what the bridge looked like before when it ran from Northeast Minneapolis across the river.
This is what it looks like now.
(For more photos and reports go to www.wcco.com or www.kare11.com)
So far as I know, no one I know was involved. I called my dad first thing and made sure he was alright because he was out working. My mom works in the southern part of the city and has no reason to have been anywhere near the bridge so I'm not worried about her. With Nikki in TN and Matthew in Seattle (visiting the Messengers director's sister and niece) the only family left to worry about is my Dad's mom, his sister and my older sister. My older sister already checked in asking about Dad. My grandma I'm also not too worried about because she's not out and about much (my other grandma called and asked if I was watching the news, so no worries there).
Today at just after 6 pm the highway 35W bridge spanning the Mississippi River just north of Downtown Minneapolis collapsed.
This is what the bridge looked like before when it ran from Northeast Minneapolis across the river.
This is what it looks like now.
(For more photos and reports go to www.wcco.com or www.kare11.com)
So far as I know, no one I know was involved. I called my dad first thing and made sure he was alright because he was out working. My mom works in the southern part of the city and has no reason to have been anywhere near the bridge so I'm not worried about her. With Nikki in TN and Matthew in Seattle (visiting the Messengers director's sister and niece) the only family left to worry about is my Dad's mom, his sister and my older sister. My older sister already checked in asking about Dad. My grandma I'm also not too worried about because she's not out and about much (my other grandma called and asked if I was watching the news, so no worries there).
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
fish or cut bait
I have decided that in order to make any substantial progress in sessions with Doc (and get on with my life) I need to quit skirting my issues and be brutally honest, mainly with myself. This also means not giving vague answers when Doc asks me a question or saying "I don't know" when I do know.
With this in mind, tomorrow's session should make for an interesting and nerve-wracking ordeal. I'm going to explain to Doc as best I can the conclusions I've come to over the past two weeks and then tell him up front, "Ask me a question and I'll answer to the best of my verbal ability." That way if I backslide and he senses I'm fudging on the truth he can call me on it. I've gotten away with downright lying to Doc before probably because he didn't feel he could push me on the matter without causing me to stop talking altogether. Giving him that permission is a very scary thing for me. But I trust him finally, not just professionally but personally. I have no delusions that it'll be easy (by no means), but as I'm being honest with myself I know it has to be done.
Wish me luck.
With this in mind, tomorrow's session should make for an interesting and nerve-wracking ordeal. I'm going to explain to Doc as best I can the conclusions I've come to over the past two weeks and then tell him up front, "Ask me a question and I'll answer to the best of my verbal ability." That way if I backslide and he senses I'm fudging on the truth he can call me on it. I've gotten away with downright lying to Doc before probably because he didn't feel he could push me on the matter without causing me to stop talking altogether. Giving him that permission is a very scary thing for me. But I trust him finally, not just professionally but personally. I have no delusions that it'll be easy (by no means), but as I'm being honest with myself I know it has to be done.
Wish me luck.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
I have a weird cat
Have you ever had a cat licking behind your ear? It's a most disconcerting sensation. That's Pumpkin's new favorite thing to do. She'll jump onto my shoulders and go after my ear like it was a chicken flavored Pounce® treat. I'm just glad she doesn't do that when I'm trying to sleep. Pumpkin's also discovered that if she takes a swing at Dizzy she can make him fall down.
Dizzy has Cerebella Ataxia, which means the signals from his brain don't always get to his muscles like they should. This means he wobbles when he walks and often falls down if he turns around too fast or tries to scratch behind his ear. Now I didn't see this discovery of Pumpkin's first-hand, if I had she would have gotten a thorough soaking. My dad said he saw Pumpkin swing at Dizzy, probably because he got too close for comfort, and Dizzy fell down. When he got back up Pumpkin swung at him again as if to say, "Hey, this is fun." The little brat. Dad says he reprimanded her which may explain why I haven't seen her do that again, but she's swung at dizzy since then for no good reason and I swatted her on the butt. She wasn't expecting it and whipped around with a look that said, "What was that for?"
Like she didn't know.
Dizzy has Cerebella Ataxia, which means the signals from his brain don't always get to his muscles like they should. This means he wobbles when he walks and often falls down if he turns around too fast or tries to scratch behind his ear. Now I didn't see this discovery of Pumpkin's first-hand, if I had she would have gotten a thorough soaking. My dad said he saw Pumpkin swing at Dizzy, probably because he got too close for comfort, and Dizzy fell down. When he got back up Pumpkin swung at him again as if to say, "Hey, this is fun." The little brat. Dad says he reprimanded her which may explain why I haven't seen her do that again, but she's swung at dizzy since then for no good reason and I swatted her on the butt. She wasn't expecting it and whipped around with a look that said, "What was that for?"
Like she didn't know.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
an addendum to 7/14 AM
After days of introspective analysis I have come to the realization that I don't trust Doc Sig. Oh sure, I trust him as a Doctor, to not divulge my secrets because of the possible legal ramifications. But even after all these years of talking (during which his record hasn't been exemplary, but no major trauma suffered) I haven't let him in. I convinced myself that Doctor to Patient was enough, and I wonder why I'm not making progress.
Doc once described my inner self, my personal space, as a room where I have metaphorical objects representing certain memories or opinions or special interests, basically what makes me me. At certain times I've let people into this room to see these objects, to see the real me. Sometimes these people aren't very gentle and stuff gets broken, then I'm reluctant to let them back in. Normally (continuing with the visual) this room has a door that I can open and close, lock or unlock. Until now most of my sessions with Doc have taken place either in the doorway or the hallway with the door open. So far I've only trusted Doc to look, afraid of what he'd do or even say once he got up close and saw the dirt and cobwebs (again, metaphorically).
Well at my previous session he stepped inside without, I think, even realizing it. After all the years of talk, his gesture of a scholarship finally convinced me that he's a friend. I doubt a Doctor would do that for a Patient, but a friend would in order to help another friend out.
So now he has access. Like I said before, his being inside is not unwelcome, just unexpected. I consciously let my walls down because I wanted to be able to trust him more, it was just a surprise to see all of a sudden how far down they were, how 'open to attack' I let myself become. As such I've been working through some unrealistic animosity towards Doc, not just because he got through my defenses but because his schedule was booked this week so I haven't been able to see him. The unrealistic part of me says "He doesn't want to see me, he doesn't want to help me, he's not really my friend." Thankfully I recognize this for what it is and I'm not turning it into resentment or anger. Or in the opposite direction, an apathy towards his offer of help.
Doc once described my inner self, my personal space, as a room where I have metaphorical objects representing certain memories or opinions or special interests, basically what makes me me. At certain times I've let people into this room to see these objects, to see the real me. Sometimes these people aren't very gentle and stuff gets broken, then I'm reluctant to let them back in. Normally (continuing with the visual) this room has a door that I can open and close, lock or unlock. Until now most of my sessions with Doc have taken place either in the doorway or the hallway with the door open. So far I've only trusted Doc to look, afraid of what he'd do or even say once he got up close and saw the dirt and cobwebs (again, metaphorically).
Well at my previous session he stepped inside without, I think, even realizing it. After all the years of talk, his gesture of a scholarship finally convinced me that he's a friend. I doubt a Doctor would do that for a Patient, but a friend would in order to help another friend out.
So now he has access. Like I said before, his being inside is not unwelcome, just unexpected. I consciously let my walls down because I wanted to be able to trust him more, it was just a surprise to see all of a sudden how far down they were, how 'open to attack' I let myself become. As such I've been working through some unrealistic animosity towards Doc, not just because he got through my defenses but because his schedule was booked this week so I haven't been able to see him. The unrealistic part of me says "He doesn't want to see me, he doesn't want to help me, he's not really my friend." Thankfully I recognize this for what it is and I'm not turning it into resentment or anger. Or in the opposite direction, an apathy towards his offer of help.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
not doing well
I have another appointment scheduled with Doc in two weeks, but I've come to the conclusion that I need to see him sooner than that. This whole situation (with the scholarship) has scrambled my brain. Not the actual scholarship, just everything else this generosity has stirred up. Ever since my appointment I've been lethargic when I'm not thinking about it and a little panicky when I do think about it. I explained as best I can in my previous post, some things can't be put into words is all.
It's not urgent (almost, but not quite). If it was I'd use the cell number he gave me. I just need to talk to Doc sooner than two weeks. I may not even have to use my money to pay for it either. Mom will probably pick this one up. Why not, Dad pays for all the others.
It's not urgent (almost, but not quite). If it was I'd use the cell number he gave me. I just need to talk to Doc sooner than two weeks. I may not even have to use my money to pay for it either. Mom will probably pick this one up. Why not, Dad pays for all the others.
a great kindness
Every few sessions Doc and I discuss me getting a job and eventually moving out and being independent. He said that's the whole goal of these continued meetings, to get me to a place where I can accomplish that. In addition to it being a confidence issue on my part, I only have an Associate's Degree and a lot of places won't accept somebody without a Bachelor's. Doc said it often doesn't matter what field the Bachelor's Degree is in, it just shows the employer you're committed to putting in the extra effort.
Well, at my previous appointment we were discussing the job situation again and this long pause ensued. Then Doc said, "Would it give you a boost if...?," and he made like he was looking for something around his desk. He continued, "What I'm going to do is" and here my memory gets muddled because Doc essentially said he'd pay for me to get my Bachelor of Arts in Theological Studies at the Christian college of which he's President. He said it's a correspondence course (meaning I get workbooks mailed to me, I complete them, then send them back) with 80-some books totaling 7 or 8 thousand dollars.
This was on Thur night and I'm still in shock.
It's not just the money, like I said he's the President of the school so I'm sure he's able to give a, call it a full scholarship, if he so chooses. When he said I could get my Bachelor's at no cost I was appalled at how fast my suspicions came up. It goes back to the opinion I have of myself, which more and more I'm finding is really out of sync with how others see me, both positively and negatively.
And it's this self-deprecation that contributes to the other part of my shock. The question that's been buzzing in my brain (only recently articulated) is "why?" This question is so troubling to me because my usual defense of "you don't know me" doesn't work with Doc. He does know me better than anyone and yet he's willing to do this for me. Which is where the "why?" comes in. Knowing me like he does, why is he still willing to do this for me? The answer I come up with is, "That's what friends do, they help each other."
This revelation of "yes, he's my friend, I can trust him" makes me realize that despite my best efforts, Doc Sig got inside all the barriers I've put up over the years to protect myself from getting hurt. This happened gradually over many years of repeated visits, little by little he insinuated himself into my confidences. I'm not saying I had no part in this, at certain times I made a conscious effort to drop my guard. I just found it disconcerting to suddenly wake up to the fact that I let him in. I sometimes find myself staring at the wall or ceiling with a bewildered look on my face wondering, "How did that happen?" Like I said, I'm in shock, it just has many facets.
By the way, Dizzy and Pumpkin are getting along much better.
Well, at my previous appointment we were discussing the job situation again and this long pause ensued. Then Doc said, "Would it give you a boost if...?," and he made like he was looking for something around his desk. He continued, "What I'm going to do is" and here my memory gets muddled because Doc essentially said he'd pay for me to get my Bachelor of Arts in Theological Studies at the Christian college of which he's President. He said it's a correspondence course (meaning I get workbooks mailed to me, I complete them, then send them back) with 80-some books totaling 7 or 8 thousand dollars.
This was on Thur night and I'm still in shock.
It's not just the money, like I said he's the President of the school so I'm sure he's able to give a, call it a full scholarship, if he so chooses. When he said I could get my Bachelor's at no cost I was appalled at how fast my suspicions came up. It goes back to the opinion I have of myself, which more and more I'm finding is really out of sync with how others see me, both positively and negatively.
And it's this self-deprecation that contributes to the other part of my shock. The question that's been buzzing in my brain (only recently articulated) is "why?" This question is so troubling to me because my usual defense of "you don't know me" doesn't work with Doc. He does know me better than anyone and yet he's willing to do this for me. Which is where the "why?" comes in. Knowing me like he does, why is he still willing to do this for me? The answer I come up with is, "That's what friends do, they help each other."
This revelation of "yes, he's my friend, I can trust him" makes me realize that despite my best efforts, Doc Sig got inside all the barriers I've put up over the years to protect myself from getting hurt. This happened gradually over many years of repeated visits, little by little he insinuated himself into my confidences. I'm not saying I had no part in this, at certain times I made a conscious effort to drop my guard. I just found it disconcerting to suddenly wake up to the fact that I let him in. I sometimes find myself staring at the wall or ceiling with a bewildered look on my face wondering, "How did that happen?" Like I said, I'm in shock, it just has many facets.
By the way, Dizzy and Pumpkin are getting along much better.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
in the interim
We cut it pretty close, getting the apartment totally empty by 8 pm on the 30th. Needless to say tempers flared and we took some time apart to cool off. Things were patched up before too long however and I ended up spending the night at the new place. Then I spent the next night, and the next. After four days I figured I needed to come home before my cat Pumpkin forgot who I was.
So that's how it's been for the past two and a half weeks. I'll spend a few days at Dad's place then Mom will pick me up and I'll spend a few days over there. The only time I use the word home is to describe the place I'm staying at the time. I now have a better grasp of the old phrase "Home is where you hang your hat."
In other news, the whole development where Mom lives is under an Association, I guess it's something like a board of directors but not as exclusive. Anyway, one of the Association's rules on pets is two (or is it three) cats, so as of yesterday Dizzy came to live with Dad and me. Dizzy is the sweetest cat you could ever find and so far he doesn't have a problem with my cat Pumpkin. It's Pumpkin that's being a spoiled brat about the whole thing. She just catches sight of Dizzy and she starts whimpering and growling, even though Diz has made no aggressive move whatsoever. After years of living with three kitty brothers (and sometime bullies) Dizzy has learned to anticipate antagonism and then avoid it. So when Pumpkin gets all huffy, Dizzy goes right back under the bed to hide. I may have to take the squirt bottle after her to put her in her place.
Doc Sig is back, he got back on Mon and I have an appointment with him tomorrow. (Sidenote: Mom gave me $100 for helping her move.) Since so much has happened since I saw Doc last I'm tempted to use some of the money Mom gave me to add a back-to-back appointment for next time. That way I won't feel like I'm wasting a whole appointment on bringing him up to speed or get frustrated because I'm leaving stuff out to get back to my problems. Luckily he only charges $35 a session.
So that's how it's been for the past two and a half weeks. I'll spend a few days at Dad's place then Mom will pick me up and I'll spend a few days over there. The only time I use the word home is to describe the place I'm staying at the time. I now have a better grasp of the old phrase "Home is where you hang your hat."
In other news, the whole development where Mom lives is under an Association, I guess it's something like a board of directors but not as exclusive. Anyway, one of the Association's rules on pets is two (or is it three) cats, so as of yesterday Dizzy came to live with Dad and me. Dizzy is the sweetest cat you could ever find and so far he doesn't have a problem with my cat Pumpkin. It's Pumpkin that's being a spoiled brat about the whole thing. She just catches sight of Dizzy and she starts whimpering and growling, even though Diz has made no aggressive move whatsoever. After years of living with three kitty brothers (and sometime bullies) Dizzy has learned to anticipate antagonism and then avoid it. So when Pumpkin gets all huffy, Dizzy goes right back under the bed to hide. I may have to take the squirt bottle after her to put her in her place.
Doc Sig is back, he got back on Mon and I have an appointment with him tomorrow. (Sidenote: Mom gave me $100 for helping her move.) Since so much has happened since I saw Doc last I'm tempted to use some of the money Mom gave me to add a back-to-back appointment for next time. That way I won't feel like I'm wasting a whole appointment on bringing him up to speed or get frustrated because I'm leaving stuff out to get back to my problems. Luckily he only charges $35 a session.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
100th Post: being a helpful helper
For the past few weeks I've been helping my mom move stuff from her apartment to her new house. She's been in the buying process for what seems like forever, and she finally got the keys I think the second week of May. It's a brand-spanking new four-unit condominium, and she had a say in some of the specifications of the interior of hers (the type of wood trim and cabinets; how many outlets and where; a fireplace).
For roughly four days out of seven for the past three weeks she's picked me up in the morning and Matthew, Mom and I pack up the apartment into boxes, load them into her car, drive to the new place and then unload. The going's been slow because we usually only manage one trip a day, so lately I don't hold back on stuffing her car as full as possible to make up for it. I stay the night every few days to save Mom the time of coming to pick me up, this past week especially because she has to be out of the apartment by the 30th. She picked me up this past Wed and I spent that night and Thur night, so three days/two nights spent altogether. I took today off because I needed a break. It wasn't just the time spent there, with her always nagging Matthew and not giving him a chance to use the brain in his head. Mom rented a truck for Fri to move all the big stuff (i.e. beds, a small freezer, the entertainment center and tv) and Lotis and her husband Renato came over to help. I'm assuming the truck was a stick-shift, otherwise Mom could've driven it. So driving, along with most of the heavy lifting, was Renato's job. Lotis carried the spare and left-behind things (shelves, pieces of bed) to the truck while the men (Renato and Matthew) took the heavy stuff.
Lotis being there wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Until now I've only seen her around Messengers with her no-nonsense, "I'm the boss" persona so I was afraid she'd be that way at Mom's too. Not so much. I was also anxious because I'd heard Dave might be coming over later. He didn't, and I was both relieved and disappointed. A week ago I would've just been disappointed but like I said, spending three days at Mom's took its toll on me psychologically. I felt the same aversion to people that I did on the way back from Canada with Messengers. This time it's just toward Dave and Lotis and I think I know why, but I'm not getting into that now.
Yesterday, Fri, Mom and Matthew spent their first night at the new place. Matthew really wanted me to spend the night again but I said I needed a break, a night sleeping in my own bed (not to mention a shower). Tomorrow she's picking me up early so we can get a full day in and I'll probably spend the night at the new place. What I keep looking forward to with great anticipation is this coming November when Messengers goes to the Philippines. Mom said I can stay at her place and house/pet sit. I'll have the place to myself for a week. Sounds like fun.
For roughly four days out of seven for the past three weeks she's picked me up in the morning and Matthew, Mom and I pack up the apartment into boxes, load them into her car, drive to the new place and then unload. The going's been slow because we usually only manage one trip a day, so lately I don't hold back on stuffing her car as full as possible to make up for it. I stay the night every few days to save Mom the time of coming to pick me up, this past week especially because she has to be out of the apartment by the 30th. She picked me up this past Wed and I spent that night and Thur night, so three days/two nights spent altogether. I took today off because I needed a break. It wasn't just the time spent there, with her always nagging Matthew and not giving him a chance to use the brain in his head. Mom rented a truck for Fri to move all the big stuff (i.e. beds, a small freezer, the entertainment center and tv) and Lotis and her husband Renato came over to help. I'm assuming the truck was a stick-shift, otherwise Mom could've driven it. So driving, along with most of the heavy lifting, was Renato's job. Lotis carried the spare and left-behind things (shelves, pieces of bed) to the truck while the men (Renato and Matthew) took the heavy stuff.
Lotis being there wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Until now I've only seen her around Messengers with her no-nonsense, "I'm the boss" persona so I was afraid she'd be that way at Mom's too. Not so much. I was also anxious because I'd heard Dave might be coming over later. He didn't, and I was both relieved and disappointed. A week ago I would've just been disappointed but like I said, spending three days at Mom's took its toll on me psychologically. I felt the same aversion to people that I did on the way back from Canada with Messengers. This time it's just toward Dave and Lotis and I think I know why, but I'm not getting into that now.
Yesterday, Fri, Mom and Matthew spent their first night at the new place. Matthew really wanted me to spend the night again but I said I needed a break, a night sleeping in my own bed (not to mention a shower). Tomorrow she's picking me up early so we can get a full day in and I'll probably spend the night at the new place. What I keep looking forward to with great anticipation is this coming November when Messengers goes to the Philippines. Mom said I can stay at her place and house/pet sit. I'll have the place to myself for a week. Sounds like fun.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Mom's surgery: Part Two
Where did I leave off...? Ah, yes.
Mom had her surgery and everything went swimmingly, so Dad and I took her home the same day around 3pm. When we arrived at the apartment she said she felt dizzy and light-headed, she wasn't sure she could make it up to the apartment. Dad and I told her that there was no rush and to just take her time. But after 3 hours she didn't feel any better so we all agreed she should go back to the hospital (she is a nurse after all and knows better than the rest of us if something's off).
By the time we got back to the hospital the mild abdominal discomfort she'd had at the apartment turned into a sharp pain across her stomach. It was about 7 o'clock when we first got back to the hospital and she had to endure this pain, which became worse as time went on, until the doctor decided she needed to have another surgery at 12:30 or 1:00. When Mom went into surgery her doctor personally escorted us from the ER waiting room to a quieter waiting area where we could sleep if we wanted (and also so he'd know where to find us afterward). Considering I'd been up since 6:30 that morning I'm not surprised I fell asleep.
Some unknown time later I woke suddenly straight out of a dream. Dr. Shibley was sitting in the waiting area. He started explaining about what he thought happened. He said that during Mom's first surgery what probably happened was that a vein got nicked and slowly leaked into her abdomen, which is why she felt ok before leaving that morning but not by the time we got her home. Shibley wanted to keep her in Intensive Care overnight so she could be kept a close watch on just in case. She ended up staying until Sat afternoon because her hemoglobin was low and had to have a couple blood transfusions.
She's back home now, safe and sound, ready to get back into packing up and moving into her new house.
Mom had her surgery and everything went swimmingly, so Dad and I took her home the same day around 3pm. When we arrived at the apartment she said she felt dizzy and light-headed, she wasn't sure she could make it up to the apartment. Dad and I told her that there was no rush and to just take her time. But after 3 hours she didn't feel any better so we all agreed she should go back to the hospital (she is a nurse after all and knows better than the rest of us if something's off).
By the time we got back to the hospital the mild abdominal discomfort she'd had at the apartment turned into a sharp pain across her stomach. It was about 7 o'clock when we first got back to the hospital and she had to endure this pain, which became worse as time went on, until the doctor decided she needed to have another surgery at 12:30 or 1:00. When Mom went into surgery her doctor personally escorted us from the ER waiting room to a quieter waiting area where we could sleep if we wanted (and also so he'd know where to find us afterward). Considering I'd been up since 6:30 that morning I'm not surprised I fell asleep.
Some unknown time later I woke suddenly straight out of a dream. Dr. Shibley was sitting in the waiting area. He started explaining about what he thought happened. He said that during Mom's first surgery what probably happened was that a vein got nicked and slowly leaked into her abdomen, which is why she felt ok before leaving that morning but not by the time we got her home. Shibley wanted to keep her in Intensive Care overnight so she could be kept a close watch on just in case. She ended up staying until Sat afternoon because her hemoglobin was low and had to have a couple blood transfusions.
She's back home now, safe and sound, ready to get back into packing up and moving into her new house.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Mom's surgery: Part One
On Wed the sixth my mom was scheduled for a Laparoscopic Hysterectomy. (For those who don't know what that is, look it up. It'll be educational.) Since she was having the surgery at a nearby hospital I originally planned to bus in to lend moral support, but she called me the morning of and said she would pass by the apartment on her way to the hospital so would I rather she just pick me up. It was earlier than I'd planned but I answered an emphatic yes because a ride beats taking the bus any day. Plus I brought my Gameboy so as not to get too bored.
Once she checked in at the hospital it was a few minutes' wait until one of the nurses took Mom to a pre-preop info session/prep. After a few more minutes of waiting I was able to go see her in the room where the anesthesiologist and then the surgeon came in and explained the procedure and what Mom should expect. The anesthesiologist was all business, a little stiff with his bedside manner. The surgeon however, whose (last) name was Shibley, had a very interpersonal way about him. I felt that when he talked to me and my mom he was focused on the moment instead of just wanting to get the conversation over with so he could get to work. It's like with Doc Sig, I felt that Shibley didn't see Mom as just another surgery but as an actual person. Maybe I only think it'd be otherwise because I watch too much t.v.
So after the nurses came and walked Mom to surgery I went back to the waiting room to...uh...wait. An hour later Dr. Shibley came in and said the surgery went perfect, couldn't have gone better, and Mom was currently in Phase One recovery (waking up and being monitored just after the surgery) which would take about an hour and a half, after which I could go see her.
My dad only had to work in the morning on Wed and so intended to meet up with me and my mom to give her a ride home. He got there about 15 minutes after I was escorted in to see Mom. Another nurse came in and made sure Mom had the pertinent information about post-op activities, the do's and don't's, and checked that Mom did indeed have a ride home and that there would be someone present to keep an eye on her. We answered yes on all points and so Mom was discharged around 3 pm.
Unfortunately she had some minor complications and we ended up taking her back that same evening, which I will not get into at present. Hence the name, Part One. She's fine, but I need sleep and so will finish this tomorrow (or the next day).
Once she checked in at the hospital it was a few minutes' wait until one of the nurses took Mom to a pre-preop info session/prep. After a few more minutes of waiting I was able to go see her in the room where the anesthesiologist and then the surgeon came in and explained the procedure and what Mom should expect. The anesthesiologist was all business, a little stiff with his bedside manner. The surgeon however, whose (last) name was Shibley, had a very interpersonal way about him. I felt that when he talked to me and my mom he was focused on the moment instead of just wanting to get the conversation over with so he could get to work. It's like with Doc Sig, I felt that Shibley didn't see Mom as just another surgery but as an actual person. Maybe I only think it'd be otherwise because I watch too much t.v.
So after the nurses came and walked Mom to surgery I went back to the waiting room to...uh...wait. An hour later Dr. Shibley came in and said the surgery went perfect, couldn't have gone better, and Mom was currently in Phase One recovery (waking up and being monitored just after the surgery) which would take about an hour and a half, after which I could go see her.
My dad only had to work in the morning on Wed and so intended to meet up with me and my mom to give her a ride home. He got there about 15 minutes after I was escorted in to see Mom. Another nurse came in and made sure Mom had the pertinent information about post-op activities, the do's and don't's, and checked that Mom did indeed have a ride home and that there would be someone present to keep an eye on her. We answered yes on all points and so Mom was discharged around 3 pm.
Unfortunately she had some minor complications and we ended up taking her back that same evening, which I will not get into at present. Hence the name, Part One. She's fine, but I need sleep and so will finish this tomorrow (or the next day).
Friday, May 25, 2007
Messengers' small group
The Messengers are meeting over the Summer in small group, roughly every two weeks. Originally these gatherings were to be at Dave's for the simple reason that his family has the largest house and so it's easiest to accommodate a dozen people. However, since it is only a dozen and not the full compliment of close to twenty, the group has moved to another member's house. So far they've only met twice and I've only gone once, but I intend to continue. This is what Lotis was saying about gradually reintegrating over the Summer. I'm just glad it's not an all-women's group like last Summer. I got my fill over the Spring.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
minor change
In my 4/8/07 post ('finally') I put up some pics of the family cats. At the time I was one cat short but have since found a pic to post and changed the text around a bit to suit the adjustment.
Enjoy :)
Enjoy :)
Monday, May 14, 2007
it's been a week?
I know that nothing interesting has happened because the past several days have all blended together. Well, I shouldn't say nothing. Three things took place, but near or during the weekend.
1st: Book group was on Thur, the last until Sept thankfully. During the last meeting some of the women were talking about being thankful for the friendships that came out of the experience. "Speak for yourself" is what I say. I had difficulty forming friendships during Messengers (which is a Thur & Fri once a week for four or five months), I'm not going to be able to do much with two hours a night, once a month for four months. I'm not wired for easy friendships, which is why I say 'thankfully until Sept'.
2nd: On Sat Dad and I went to a seminar at church entitled "A Christian Response To End-Of-Life Issues", where three experts on the subject (two M.D.'s and a Ph.D.) gave talks about subjects from 'Practical Issues In Caregiving' to 'Euthanasia'. It was informative in a dry kind of way. It didn't help that the seminar was at 8:30 in the morning so I had to get up at 6:30 to catch the bus in time. I don't remember much of the ride home because I was nodding off in my seat.
3rd: Happy belated Mother's Day! Yesterday, Mom took Matthew, Dad and me out to lunch, then we all took a short drive out to her new place. Ooh boy, it's nice. I'll have to get her to take me out there again soon so I can get proper directions/street names and some pics to post. I jokingly told her that I'm going to find a way to bus out there every other weekend. Maybe not so jokingly.
1st: Book group was on Thur, the last until Sept thankfully. During the last meeting some of the women were talking about being thankful for the friendships that came out of the experience. "Speak for yourself" is what I say. I had difficulty forming friendships during Messengers (which is a Thur & Fri once a week for four or five months), I'm not going to be able to do much with two hours a night, once a month for four months. I'm not wired for easy friendships, which is why I say 'thankfully until Sept'.
2nd: On Sat Dad and I went to a seminar at church entitled "A Christian Response To End-Of-Life Issues", where three experts on the subject (two M.D.'s and a Ph.D.) gave talks about subjects from 'Practical Issues In Caregiving' to 'Euthanasia'. It was informative in a dry kind of way. It didn't help that the seminar was at 8:30 in the morning so I had to get up at 6:30 to catch the bus in time. I don't remember much of the ride home because I was nodding off in my seat.
3rd: Happy belated Mother's Day! Yesterday, Mom took Matthew, Dad and me out to lunch, then we all took a short drive out to her new place. Ooh boy, it's nice. I'll have to get her to take me out there again soon so I can get proper directions/street names and some pics to post. I jokingly told her that I'm going to find a way to bus out there every other weekend. Maybe not so jokingly.
Monday, May 07, 2007
after further review
I've had some time to think about this proposed letter. The following points have been raised.
1) Tell me again, why does John need to be made aware of this?
It's about dissension in the ranks. It's like if the kids are fighting the parents need to know; or employees of a company, the boss needs to know so whatever problem there is can be straightened out. However it's labeled, it still makes me queasy to think of having John's near-undivided attention focused on me.
2) This wasn't my idea.
As far as I know, Dave and Lotis consider the matter pretty much closed and behind us. In the beginning I was the one who thought I hadn't gotten a fair chance to fully explain, but not so much now. Doc is the one who says the solution of 'making space' was a mishandle of the situation that favored the Messengers ministry over my own needs. I was just too timid to stick up for myself. I see his point, but if it were up to me I would cut my losses and move on, even if moving on is code for 'forgetting this whole embarrassment ever happened'. And it's for this exact reason I will defer to his judgement and, with a couple provisions, tell him to send the letters. The provisions being a)I want to know (generally) what he's going to say in the letters before he sends them, b)he needs to answer the John question, the one I asked above, and c)tell Dave and the rest of them if they agree there should be a meeting, to talk to Doc and not call me with questions.
3) Wouldn't that just steam Lotis's clams.
The main reason she wanted to make space, to have me take time away from Messengers, was because (I'm paraphrasing here)"if there was any hinting of inappropriateness, it could be harmful to the ministry." She was afraid the 'wrong' people would find out that her precious ministry could be compromised and there'd be some kind of Formal Inquiry. That right there tickles my vindictive nature, almost enough for me to give Doc the green light, no questions asked.
Almost.
1) Tell me again, why does John need to be made aware of this?
It's about dissension in the ranks. It's like if the kids are fighting the parents need to know; or employees of a company, the boss needs to know so whatever problem there is can be straightened out. However it's labeled, it still makes me queasy to think of having John's near-undivided attention focused on me.
2) This wasn't my idea.
As far as I know, Dave and Lotis consider the matter pretty much closed and behind us. In the beginning I was the one who thought I hadn't gotten a fair chance to fully explain, but not so much now. Doc is the one who says the solution of 'making space' was a mishandle of the situation that favored the Messengers ministry over my own needs. I was just too timid to stick up for myself. I see his point, but if it were up to me I would cut my losses and move on, even if moving on is code for 'forgetting this whole embarrassment ever happened'. And it's for this exact reason I will defer to his judgement and, with a couple provisions, tell him to send the letters. The provisions being a)I want to know (generally) what he's going to say in the letters before he sends them, b)he needs to answer the John question, the one I asked above, and c)tell Dave and the rest of them if they agree there should be a meeting, to talk to Doc and not call me with questions.
3) Wouldn't that just steam Lotis's clams.
The main reason she wanted to make space, to have me take time away from Messengers, was because (I'm paraphrasing here)"if there was any hinting of inappropriateness, it could be harmful to the ministry." She was afraid the 'wrong' people would find out that her precious ministry could be compromised and there'd be some kind of Formal Inquiry. That right there tickles my vindictive nature, almost enough for me to give Doc the green light, no questions asked.
Almost.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
eek, a can of worms!
Had an appointment with Doc Sig today. I gave him an update on Janne and going overseas. I said I'm having second thoughts mainly because I haven't heard a peep from him in two months. No e-mail, no IM's, nothing. Hopefully he didn't have a relapse of the flu that put him in the hospital.
At my appointment, Doc Sig suggested something very scary. He said he could send a letter concerning this whole Dave/Messengers/'making space' issue to John Piper, Lotis and Dave. When he said this I finally grasped the meaning of "recoiled at the very thought." My skin went all tingly and I felt what seemed like an instinctual reaction to disappear. Put plainly, at the mention of bringing John into this mess I felt like I was in trouble. Or was about to be.
The letter that Doc proposes to send would be in an official capacity from his office at his practice. In it he would try and expound on the situation from a psychological standpoint (the why behind what I did? what I meant to say?). He would tell them that there were misunderstandings and that I didn't get a fair chance to explain. What I'm worried about is these particular people finding out I've been seeing a therapist for half my life. Doc said there would be no specifics in this letter, but what does that mean? No personal stuff? It's all personal, especially to John. Having this letter addressed to just Lotis and Dave is one thing, but I don't know if this is how I want to come under John's scrutiny. I guess I'm afraid of being overrun by the louder opinions of Lotis and the authority of John, because my first instinct period is to duck-and-cover and assess the damage after the storm is past.
Something else Doc suggested was being an impartial party in a meeting of Lotis, Dave, John and me. Double-eek! I can just see myself sitting around a table with three authority figure, four if you count Doc. I have trouble sitting closer than the third row during one of John's sermons. If I were to sit across a table from him, having to make eye contact with him? I may end up squinching my eyes shut and putting my hands over my ears, essentially having a denial fit (i'm on a beach, the wind is blowing-lalala i can't hear you) maybe. Either that or I'd sit stark still like a threatened wild animal, the whole fight or flight thing. I did that during that original meeting with Lotis, Dave and Renee in the coffee shop. I was intellectual and understanding and calm on the outside, but I think I would've jumped a foot at any loud noise.
Suffice it to say, right now I have things at least manageable. People are unpredictable and exploding (exposing) this can of worms to others (John) and adding new elements (Doc Sig and the fact that I need therapy)..... Let's just say things wouldn't be boring for awhile.
At my appointment, Doc Sig suggested something very scary. He said he could send a letter concerning this whole Dave/Messengers/'making space' issue to John Piper, Lotis and Dave. When he said this I finally grasped the meaning of "recoiled at the very thought." My skin went all tingly and I felt what seemed like an instinctual reaction to disappear. Put plainly, at the mention of bringing John into this mess I felt like I was in trouble. Or was about to be.
The letter that Doc proposes to send would be in an official capacity from his office at his practice. In it he would try and expound on the situation from a psychological standpoint (the why behind what I did? what I meant to say?). He would tell them that there were misunderstandings and that I didn't get a fair chance to explain. What I'm worried about is these particular people finding out I've been seeing a therapist for half my life. Doc said there would be no specifics in this letter, but what does that mean? No personal stuff? It's all personal, especially to John. Having this letter addressed to just Lotis and Dave is one thing, but I don't know if this is how I want to come under John's scrutiny. I guess I'm afraid of being overrun by the louder opinions of Lotis and the authority of John, because my first instinct period is to duck-and-cover and assess the damage after the storm is past.
Something else Doc suggested was being an impartial party in a meeting of Lotis, Dave, John and me. Double-eek! I can just see myself sitting around a table with three authority figure, four if you count Doc. I have trouble sitting closer than the third row during one of John's sermons. If I were to sit across a table from him, having to make eye contact with him? I may end up squinching my eyes shut and putting my hands over my ears, essentially having a denial fit (i'm on a beach, the wind is blowing-lalala i can't hear you) maybe. Either that or I'd sit stark still like a threatened wild animal, the whole fight or flight thing. I did that during that original meeting with Lotis, Dave and Renee in the coffee shop. I was intellectual and understanding and calm on the outside, but I think I would've jumped a foot at any loud noise.
Suffice it to say, right now I have things at least manageable. People are unpredictable and exploding (exposing) this can of worms to others (John) and adding new elements (Doc Sig and the fact that I need therapy)..... Let's just say things wouldn't be boring for awhile.
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