Messengers' small group

The Messengers are meeting over the Summer in small group, roughly every two weeks. Originally these gatherings were to be at Dave's for the simple reason that his family has the largest house and so it's easiest to accommodate a dozen people. However, since it is only a dozen and not the full compliment of close to twenty, the group has moved to another member's house. So far they've only met twice and I've only gone once, but I intend to continue. This is what Lotis was saying about gradually reintegrating over the Summer. I'm just glad it's not an all-women's group like last Summer. I got my fill over the Spring.

minor change

In my 4/8/07 post ('finally') I put up some pics of the family cats. At the time I was one cat short but have since found a pic to post and changed the text around a bit to suit the adjustment.

Enjoy :)

it's been a week?

I know that nothing interesting has happened because the past several days have all blended together. Well, I shouldn't say nothing. Three things took place, but near or during the weekend.

1st: Book group was on Thur, the last until Sept thankfully. During the last meeting some of the women were talking about being thankful for the friendships that came out of the experience. "Speak for yourself" is what I say. I had difficulty forming friendships during Messengers (which is a Thur & Fri once a week for four or five months), I'm not going to be able to do much with two hours a night, once a month for four months. I'm not wired for easy friendships, which is why I say 'thankfully until Sept'.

2nd: On Sat Dad and I went to a seminar at church entitled "A Christian Response To End-Of-Life Issues", where three experts on the subject (two M.D.'s and a Ph.D.) gave talks about subjects from 'Practical Issues In Caregiving' to 'Euthanasia'. It was informative in a dry kind of way. It didn't help that the seminar was at 8:30 in the morning so I had to get up at 6:30 to catch the bus in time. I don't remember much of the ride home because I was nodding off in my seat.

3rd: Happy belated Mother's Day! Yesterday, Mom took Matthew, Dad and me out to lunch, then we all took a short drive out to her new place. Ooh boy, it's nice. I'll have to get her to take me out there again soon so I can get proper directions/street names and some pics to post. I jokingly told her that I'm going to find a way to bus out there every other weekend. Maybe not so jokingly.

after further review

I've had some time to think about this proposed letter. The following points have been raised.

1) Tell me again, why does John need to be made aware of this?
It's about dissension in the ranks. It's like if the kids are fighting the parents need to know; or employees of a company, the boss needs to know so whatever problem there is can be straightened out. However it's labeled, it still makes me queasy to think of having John's near-undivided attention focused on me.

2) This wasn't my idea.
As far as I know, Dave and Lotis consider the matter pretty much closed and behind us. In the beginning I was the one who thought I hadn't gotten a fair chance to fully explain, but not so much now. Doc is the one who says the solution of 'making space' was a mishandle of the situation that favored the Messengers ministry over my own needs. I was just too timid to stick up for myself. I see his point, but if it were up to me I would cut my losses and move on, even if moving on is code for 'forgetting this whole embarrassment ever happened'. And it's for this exact reason I will defer to his judgement and, with a couple provisions, tell him to send the letters. The provisions being a)I want to know (generally) what he's going to say in the letters before he sends them, b)he needs to answer the John question, the one I asked above, and c)tell Dave and the rest of them if they agree there should be a meeting, to talk to Doc and not call me with questions.

3) Wouldn't that just steam Lotis's clams.
The main reason she wanted to make space, to have me take time away from Messengers, was because (I'm paraphrasing here)"if there was any hinting of inappropriateness, it could be harmful to the ministry." She was afraid the 'wrong' people would find out that her precious ministry could be compromised and there'd be some kind of Formal Inquiry. That right there tickles my vindictive nature, almost enough for me to give Doc the green light, no questions asked.

Almost.

eek, a can of worms!

Had an appointment with Doc Sig today. I gave him an update on Janne and going overseas. I said I'm having second thoughts mainly because I haven't heard a peep from him in two months. No e-mail, no IM's, nothing. Hopefully he didn't have a relapse of the flu that put him in the hospital.

At my appointment, Doc Sig suggested something very scary. He said he could send a letter concerning this whole Dave/Messengers/'making space' issue to John Piper, Lotis and Dave. When he said this I finally grasped the meaning of "recoiled at the very thought." My skin went all tingly and I felt what seemed like an instinctual reaction to disappear. Put plainly, at the mention of bringing John into this mess I felt like I was in trouble. Or was about to be.

The letter that Doc proposes to send would be in an official capacity from his office at his practice. In it he would try and expound on the situation from a psychological standpoint (the why behind what I did? what I meant to say?). He would tell them that there were misunderstandings and that I didn't get a fair chance to explain. What I'm worried about is these particular people finding out I've been seeing a therapist for half my life. Doc said there would be no specifics in this letter, but what does that mean? No personal stuff? It's all personal, especially to John. Having this letter addressed to just Lotis and Dave is one thing, but I don't know if this is how I want to come under John's scrutiny. I guess I'm afraid of being overrun by the louder opinions of Lotis and the authority of John, because my first instinct period is to duck-and-cover and assess the damage after the storm is past.

Something else Doc suggested was being an impartial party in a meeting of Lotis, Dave, John and me. Double-eek! I can just see myself sitting around a table with three authority figure, four if you count Doc. I have trouble sitting closer than the third row during one of John's sermons. If I were to sit across a table from him, having to make eye contact with him? I may end up squinching my eyes shut and putting my hands over my ears, essentially having a denial fit (i'm on a beach, the wind is blowing-lalala i can't hear you) maybe. Either that or I'd sit stark still like a threatened wild animal, the whole fight or flight thing. I did that during that original meeting with Lotis, Dave and Renee in the coffee shop. I was intellectual and understanding and calm on the outside, but I think I would've jumped a foot at any loud noise.

Suffice it to say, right now I have things at least manageable. People are unpredictable and exploding (exposing) this can of worms to others (John) and adding new elements (Doc Sig and the fact that I need therapy)..... Let's just say things wouldn't be boring for awhile.