Free At Last!

No, but seriously, it's only been three days since Messengers' final performance and I already miss them. I don't see any of them on anything resembling a regular basis, and we aren't scheduled to be back together as a whole group until Feb of '09 what with the holiday season fast approaching.

Also, Doc has yet to call and reschedule the appointment that's been postponed for 2 1/2 months now. Not that I mean to rush him. I'd rather I have to wait a bit longer and have him in top condition than to meet once and have another 2 months go by. I plan to clean up/rearrange my room and make regular visits to the library to keep me busy. Like it'll do any good.

Messengers, still

Four performances down, one more (and two rehearsals) to go. I'm glad we have two rehearsals to get familiar with the setup of this last church. It actually used to be my family's home church when I was little, but I haven't been there in years, and never in the sound booth. Hopefully their equipment isn't much different than what I've already used. One less thing to stress over.

Doc Sig is out of the hospital, back home and recovering. Yay! He's still not taking appointments until early Nov, but apparently (surprisingly) I'm ok with waiting. Granted I've been stressed and at times a little panicky, but no hysterics or even mini freak-outs. So kudos for me I guess. Now, after all this is done and I can 'relax' (let my inner guard down, stop wearing my brave face), that may be another matter entirely.

Cut Off by Construction

The apartment complex I live in is bordered on two sides by impassable obstacles: a railroad track three blocks over on the East, and a freeway a block North. There is no direct access from the South due to a separate apartment complex which has no through-way to ours. On the West side is the only good access, a main street that normally serves a lot of traffic North/South. I say normally because it's been under construction for a few months.

I can hear the heavy machinery out there now, back-hoes and dozers and little one-man Cats. They make a lot of noise, especially at 8 o'clock in the morning. If I remember right, they're revamping the sewer/drainage piping. They dig holes, put in concrete pipes, fill the holes, dig more holes, move the dirt around. Because of this, the entire street from the north end of our complex to the south end is barricaded off so no cars can get through.

The only way to reach us now by car is from the south along a narrow frontage road next to the railroad track, then down the single street that runs along the north edge of the complex between us and the freeway. It's a hell of a hassle giving directions. It used to be, "Just go South on this street till you hit that street, turn left." Hopefully they'll be done before snow flies.

Every time I walk to the store and I feel like a kind of olden-time outcast striking out from the forbidden zone toward nearby civilization, hoping to barter my meager coin-of-the-realm for supplies.

Stress

We (The Messengers) are smack in the middle of performances. Our first was this past Fri, the second just yesterday. The first was a train wreck, with several dropped or garbled lines and missed cues. The second went so much better you'd almost think it was a different play. And we still have three to go (17th, 19th, 26th).

Even in the weeks before we started, the muscles across my back and shoulders were tight. Now I'm tired and achy all over: head, neck, shoulders, back, legs. Also my chest feels a bit constricted like a panic attack and, while it's mild, it comes and goes. Although, that may be due to my increased smoking, which itself is a way I deal with stress.

Fortunately, since the first show is over and done with, all the anxiety I felt pre-season has descended to a low hum. Since our next two showings are at our church's North Site, which we've been to before, I don't expect it to ramp up again until our final performance on the 26th at an unfamiliar church. I'm sure I can keep it together until then, it's afterward that I'm wary of. I may stay in bed all day of the 27th just to avoid blowing up at someone who won't deserve it.

And, of course, underlying all of this is the grievous fact that my psychological anchor, Doc Sig, is out of the picture indefinitely. The message on his office phone says he's out for at least three weeks (from the 4th) which means I won't get to see him until the first or second week in Nov.

Waiting Game

I called Doc's office again last night. There was a new greeting message on his answering machine, which he usually does when he'll be out for some time. The message was long and a bit rambling, the man sounded beat up. I have never heard him sound so exhausted.

He said he's not sure when he'll be back to work, but he'll be out of the office for at least 3 weeks. So there's nothing for it, I'll just have to wait. No problem, right?

7 Weeks and Counting

The last time I was at Doc's office for an appointment was Aug 19th. If he doesn't call soon it'll be a new record. I called his office on Fri and left a message, hopefully he's just busy.

Postponed Indefinitely

Doc cancelled/had to reschedule, again.

He called early Mon, said he'd been up all night and was "very sick". I know it's not his fault (unless you count overworking) but he's told me a number of times that I shouldn't apologize for my feelings. So here goes.

To say I'm upset would be polite. I'm just under pissed off. It's been 6 weeks and counting with no more of an explanation than he's 'not well'. In all this time I've had no one to really talk to like Doc and I do. 

But like I said, he's not directly to blame. So when (if) he calls to reschedule, hopefully within the next day or so, I have to remember to keep my curtness to a minimum.