Change

Ah, that dreaded word. So unwelcome, yet so inevitable it can make a person crazy.

After three years of separation, my parents are getting back together. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. The problem arises when #1, since Dad and I live in a 1-bdrm apartment and Mom lives in a 3-bdrm house, Dad and I will be the ones to pack up and move. And #2, Mom lives way the hell out in the suburbs, one of these cities that's sprawled all over creation but Downtown is one street maybe 6 blocks long. No bus service to speak of, and me not being able to drive, means no easy access to anything.

I realize I'm whining, that my life is not as dire as it seems by comparison to many. But you have to understand that due to certain uncontrollable circumstances in my formative years, at this point in my life I crave stability. I survive on routine, the only way I can face all the 'what ifs' and 'could happens' of a world in chaos. Saturday church and my appointments with Doc are 'me time.' On those days, for a few hours, I can live completely in my own little world with no worries or responsibilities other than the ones at hand.

It's hard to explain because no one else is in my head, and even I realize what a poor attempt the above half-paragraph is. I know what I'm trying to say, but I'm not as good as Doc is at verbal/written clarification.

Doc says (and it's true) that I'm very analytical, that I'm always processing information. So, even though I have no life to speak of (school, job, travel, intricate and abundant social obligations) I still need that 'me time' as a sort of reboot, a mental and psychological anchor that keeps my anxieties from fraying me into a hundred pieces. This is why the mere thought of such a disruption as moving (again) has me edgy and at times downright despondent.

I am so invested in this Saturday Routine of mine that, even though I can skip it once in a while (I get a ride or the weather's nasty), the thought of tossing it out completely has me beside myself. It would almost be as bad as having to take my cat back to the humane society.

Unfortunately, though I could talk this out with my parents, nothing would change because right now my mom is financially tied to this house she has. However, she recently lost her job and, unless she finds another one in short order, she and Dad would have to go halvsies on a 3-bdrm apartment closer to the city. It's a bit reprehensible, but it's what I'm hoping for.