snow or arctic temps, not both

More snow fell today and now it's three feet deep in places. The roads are actually fairly clear because the temp is around 35º, but the parking lots are buried and the plows are running out of space to put the snow piles. The Rainbow near my apartment is perimetered with several 10-foot high piles. I wouldn't be at all surprised if a car or two has been entombed somewhere in all that.

Like I've said, I love the snow. I just don't like having to slog through the melty mush that gets ankle deep (not to mention puddles at every corner).

We got white stuff.

Thought my first posted photos would be of the five or so inches of snow we got yesterday and overnight.














There's a step in there somewhere.
















Buried to its bumper, one of many.


The weather guys say this isn't the last of it this weekend, and more is likely by Wed or Thur. But that's fine, I love the snow (it's the freezing temps I can't stand). It hasn't been this deep in a while and I was in it up to my shins today and deeper helping my dad dig the car out so we could run errands. It was fun, actually. The cold sensation through my jeans brought back memories of playing in the snow as a kid, not caring how soaked I got without snow-pants. Good times.

a word on posting photos

As I've mentioned previously, I finally got my butt in gear and got an account on Flickr, so now I can put pics on my blog. However, my internet connection speed is dial-up (I know, archaic, but it's cheap and my dad is footing the bill so I can't complain too loudly) and if I start putting up tons of photos, it'll take me forever to view my own blog.

So I compromise. A photo here, a photo there, maybe every third or fourth post? We'll see.

By the way, what do you think of my profile pic?

a first (final) step?

While going through the flotsam of my room in an attempt to clean up, I came across a shoebox. It was similar to the one I had for Dave but this one was for Bill, my old highschool teacher.

I say was and not is because I made an active decision to get rid of it. After doing an internal consult, I found that the response wasn't a defiant "No!" but a tired and relieved "You can let it go now, it's ok." So I took all the stuff inside (papers, photos, notes of conversations), tore everything into small pieces and threw it all away. It was hard, letting go of something dear isn't easy, but it wasn't the gut-wrenching nightmare I had feared. Bill may not yet be completely gone from the dark and obsessive crevices in my mind (perhaps never will be), but getting the physical reminders/temptations out of sight can only help.

feeling....ucky

The day after I knew that I'd be flying overseas for sure and soon, I started not feeling well. Nausea, lethargy, possible fever(?). Hopefully it's just a bug and not my body's subconscious protestations about my upcoming risky endeavor.

I'm thinking towards the latter, something like the butterflies I got before my first time on the road with the Messengers, but worse because it'll be just me and it's an ocean away instead of across the border. Also, I don't do well with keeping secrets from those I wish knew. But I'm a peacekeeper by nature with a weak stomach for emotional turmoil, and them knowing my plans would trigger all the questions (especially from my overprotective mother) with answers that won't convince them.

So I'm hoping it's a bug and not that, or the onset of the flu.

a phone conversation with Janne

This morning/last night Janne called on the phone and he and I talked for an hour and a half. We started finalizing times for me to fly out to finally meet him, some things I should expect (this is my first time flying commercially) and how long I could stay, when I would come back and for how long. Not much really, but it was good to hear his voice.

I had an appointment with Doc Sig tonight. Again he was rehashing his doubts about me going overseas. I didn't have the heart to tell him to shut up. I've been seeing him for almost 12 years and I know he only does that because he cares for me as a friend would. He keeps throwing bible at me, which normally I would agree with, but in this case it's just frustrating that he's using the same argument in an effort to convince me when I've already told him it won't happen. It's kind of sad actually. But I'll be leaving for Sweden in two or three weeks and Doc SIg will be out of town until April, so that's one thing off my mind.

I never realized how complicated travel can be. First I have to get to Chicago/O'Hare Airport (either by Greyhound bus or by plane, which involves gates and tickets) then fly out of O'Hare (also gates and tickets, possibly e-tickets). I've never traveled except by car, and the only time I've been outside the US is to Canada, which doesn't really count. Add to that the fact that I'm just gathering the info but it's Janne's money and final decision, sort of. Needless to say I'm nervous.

an IM conversation with Janne

Last night (technically early this morning) Janne and I had a fairly lengthy IM conversation. I told him about what happened with Messengers, about my feelings for Dave, and Lotis wanting to 'create some space', and he agrees it was stupid of them to exclude me over an overblown misunderstanding. Janne gave me further assurance that I have the right to tell them to fuck off, though I highly doubt I'd actually say that to Dave (maybe Lotis). Janne unknowingly agrees with Doc Sig that if they don't want me around it's their problem, and that outside of the initial incident (the collectings in a shoebox) I have nothing personally to apologize for.

So at last count it's me, my dad, Doc Sig, and now Janne on one side of the opinion and Lotis and Dave on the other side, essentially 2 to 1 (though if it were brought to the attention of the church elders I'm sure we would then be grossly outnumbered).

This led to us talking a little about religion (he's an atheist), the theory of evolution vs. a belief in God, the difference of it being stated as fact when it's a belief. As he put it, big issues. But it was a good conversation. Other than some basic stuff like what he does for a living and some of his likes and dislikes (music, books, etc.) I don't know much about him as a person, the inside of him that makes him tick. But then it's hard to do that when talking through a computer and not face-to-face.

when did this happen?

Tonight was the first meeting of the book group I signed up for. As I've said they meet the second Thur of the month, and Thur is also a Messengers' rehearsal night. Since my mom was going to rehearsal anyway she gave me a ride to the group (they're only 4 blocks from each other). After it was over I was going to walk to the church and she would then also give me a ride home.

At the end of rehearsal Lotis, the director, walks up and whispers to me that the next time I want to come I have to get permission from Dave's wife, Renee. Oh, excuse me, I didn't know Renee was in charge of who can and cannot come to rehearsals. I thought for sure that Lotis is the director but maybe something changed in the few months I've been gone. (Again, how do you convey sarcasm in writing?)

Now I can understand that I should get Renee's consent if there's a meeting or get together at their house. I can understand her not wanting me hanging around Dave period. But I didn't go to the church to be around Dave, I was getting a ride from my mom after rehearsal. I shouldn't have to get permission from Renee when she has no jurisdiction over Messengers, she has no final say of who can be there and who can't. It goes back to Lotis not wanting to rock the boat, not wanting to endanger her precious ministry. She doesn't want to upset anyone that she thinks is vital to the Messengers' group. I'm just one person, but there are currently (now including the sound person) five members of Dave's family involved with Messengers, six if you count Renee who cooks many of the Fri night after rehearsal meals for the group. What do they want me to do, wait outside the building and then hide so there's no chance of Dave seeing me? Gimme a break.

Like I said before, sacrifice the one to save the many.

My dad suggested that the next time I go (next month after group) that I should bring a book and just wait in the hallway. That way no one can say anything, they can't tell me I can't be in the church building. Dad said if they made a stink about it he'd take the issue before the church elders. Tempting. I can't wait to share this new tidbit with Doc Sig.

But honestly, when I saw Dave at rehearsal, I'll admit there was a pang, but it was more about the group camaraderie I'm missing because of an overgrown misunderstanding. All this hoopla has made him so not worth the effort. I'm pretty much over Dave in that way. It's too bad they don't see it.

Renee,
I know what I did was wrong. I invaded Dave's personal space, I stomped on your territory, how many times do I have to say I'm sorry? You need to get over yourself. I have.

belated resolutions

In early Jan I posted about an All Night of Prayer at my church. After that I made a short list of what I wanted to accomplish within the next few months concerning my growth as a Christian.

1)Read my Bible and pray every day.

2)Go to church regularly.

3)Join a small group, preferably a woman's group.

As of now, number 1 is the only one I'm having trouble with.

On the 27th I wrote about a coffee/small group event that I attended at my church. This get together was a jumping off point for the women of Bethlehem Baptist (all three campuses) to get organized into a book study group, homemaking skills group, or one-on-one mentoring. My first choice was homemaking. It seemed personally non-threatening, and because practically the only thing I know how to do is sew buttons.

Well, there were no groups like that within range of where I live (somewhere I could take the bus if I had to). So I moved on to a book study group. The only one close enough was still almost to church, but I know the neighborhood and the necessary bus routes to get there so I signed up. It meets the second Thursday of every month, except for in the summer.

Now comes the tricky part. Janne (the guy in Sweden) recently got back in touch with me and said that the reason he's been incommunicado is a friend of his died and Janne had to take care of paperwork and real estate and such. Things have quieted down somewhat and he says that he wants to bring me over in late Feb for two weeks, then I'll come back home for a week or so to make sure I don't make the decision to stay there based on emotions alone. So depending on when I go to Sweden I may end up missing the next Thur meeting in March.