eek, a can of worms!

Had an appointment with Doc Sig today. I gave him an update on Janne and going overseas. I said I'm having second thoughts mainly because I haven't heard a peep from him in two months. No e-mail, no IM's, nothing. Hopefully he didn't have a relapse of the flu that put him in the hospital.

At my appointment, Doc Sig suggested something very scary. He said he could send a letter concerning this whole Dave/Messengers/'making space' issue to John Piper, Lotis and Dave. When he said this I finally grasped the meaning of "recoiled at the very thought." My skin went all tingly and I felt what seemed like an instinctual reaction to disappear. Put plainly, at the mention of bringing John into this mess I felt like I was in trouble. Or was about to be.

The letter that Doc proposes to send would be in an official capacity from his office at his practice. In it he would try and expound on the situation from a psychological standpoint (the why behind what I did? what I meant to say?). He would tell them that there were misunderstandings and that I didn't get a fair chance to explain. What I'm worried about is these particular people finding out I've been seeing a therapist for half my life. Doc said there would be no specifics in this letter, but what does that mean? No personal stuff? It's all personal, especially to John. Having this letter addressed to just Lotis and Dave is one thing, but I don't know if this is how I want to come under John's scrutiny. I guess I'm afraid of being overrun by the louder opinions of Lotis and the authority of John, because my first instinct period is to duck-and-cover and assess the damage after the storm is past.

Something else Doc suggested was being an impartial party in a meeting of Lotis, Dave, John and me. Double-eek! I can just see myself sitting around a table with three authority figure, four if you count Doc. I have trouble sitting closer than the third row during one of John's sermons. If I were to sit across a table from him, having to make eye contact with him? I may end up squinching my eyes shut and putting my hands over my ears, essentially having a denial fit (i'm on a beach, the wind is blowing-lalala i can't hear you) maybe. Either that or I'd sit stark still like a threatened wild animal, the whole fight or flight thing. I did that during that original meeting with Lotis, Dave and Renee in the coffee shop. I was intellectual and understanding and calm on the outside, but I think I would've jumped a foot at any loud noise.

Suffice it to say, right now I have things at least manageable. People are unpredictable and exploding (exposing) this can of worms to others (John) and adding new elements (Doc Sig and the fact that I need therapy)..... Let's just say things wouldn't be boring for awhile.