hear me, I beg

A fellow blogger, Tom Atkins from 'The Creativity Blog', once asked that people reading his poetry not assume his emotions are accurately reflected in any given poem, or series of them for that matter. He said that some were written in the heat of the moment, but that others were composed over longer periods and encompass a wide range of feelings. It is on this premise that I based the tagline of my own blog, "start from the beginning" because no one post shows all of what I try to communicate. At times I have posted twice in one day or for three days straight in an attempt to find the words that fit. Many times I have purposely not written about something in particular for fear of being misunderstood or taken out of context, as what happened with Dave. I've already put a lot of me into this blog and would be severely dismayed to find myself flagged by an errant reader and subsequently suspended from Blogger for no reason I could see.

On that note, I give you the following.

Much of my life is a dichotomy, a collection of opposites. I examine many things from an intellectual standpoint but then base my decisions solely on the perceived emotional fallout (I am currently trying to change this). When I was younger (in grade-school) I felt older than my years, now that I am older I feel stunted in my psychological/emotional/intellectual growth. I plan out scenarios in my head for how a given situation should play out, then keep silent and distant from any interaction. I make it a point to examine an idea six ways to Sunday from an intellectual point of view, then commit some immature or spontaneous act of randomness that could be misconstrued at least a dozen ways. This last especially. Sometimes I over-intellectualize a decision (like being honest with Dave) and by the end of my own argument I can't see the forest for the trees and end up leaping before I look.

Self-injury is not something I do, but last night (spur of the moment) I scraped 7 gashes into the back of my left hand with the end of a paperclip. I did this partly because I just wanted to see what all the hubbub was/is about (my sister used to do this kind of thing to get all kinds of attention). But attention-getting in the normal sense was the furthest thing from my mind at the moment of action. In fact it was only afterwards that I thought, "Oh right, I'll have to hide this come Sat." It was after the fact that I started thinking of what I would tell people who asked, and I know they will ask. I don't see the big deal, but so far the only one that's seen it is my dad (and his reaction was a little disturbed/disturbing). I'm thinking now that I'll get more attention than I ever wanted. But that's what I mean about jumping into it with both feet and not considering with common sense what I'm doing.

Doc Sig says I am afraid to be spontaneous because I've been burned in the past, but it seems every time I am spontaneous (i.e. trying to find something that's genuinely me) something like the above pic happens. I don't know how to channel my tentative attempts of individuality into a socially acceptable area. Part of me says I shouldn't have to as long as I'm not doing something that endangers anyone. All I can do is explain as best I can that I am in no danger of going off the deep end, it's no big deal. If by then they don't understand, that's their problem not mine. I can hear some saying that if I keep up this behavior no one will want to be around me, it will bother them even if it doesn't bother me.