I could've been watching CSI

I kept the scratches on my hand hidden during church precisely because they were not inflicted in the mindset of attention-seeking. But wasn't I also saying in my previous post about not being ashamed about it, that if they couldn't understand it would be their problem? I guess I was just afraid of not being believed if/when they asked and I told them that it was simple (naive) curiosity.

However....said infliction happened four days ago. Since then (after further analytical consideration) I've come to the conclusion that

better me than John or Dave or Bill or Doc Sig, or anyone else.

What the hell, call a spade a spade for fuck's sake. I'm mad at Dave (as well as others) and it was him I was thinking of when I was scratching. I was thinking of how I want him to hurt because he hurt me. I trusted him, he was supposed to understand. Instead of taking out my anger on him (like I've wanted to for weeks) I took it out on me. Hell I'm just as much to blame and for a multitude of reasons.

So there's the truth of it. I wasn't planning this revelation, but there it is.

In other news of church, another guy from my short-list was at prayer group. He used to be the youth leader when I was in the church's Jr/Sr High group. Had a huge crush on him (this was pre-surrogate dad) and we were and still are friends. John is currently in South Carolina with his 80-something year old father who is on his way out, probably very soon. John left this past Fri and didn't preach on Sat, another pastor had to fill in. So I went out in the snow and mush for nothing.