fish or cut bait

I have decided that in order to make any substantial progress in sessions with Doc (and get on with my life) I need to quit skirting my issues and be brutally honest, mainly with myself. This also means not giving vague answers when Doc asks me a question or saying "I don't know" when I do know.

With this in mind, tomorrow's session should make for an interesting and nerve-wracking ordeal. I'm going to explain to Doc as best I can the conclusions I've come to over the past two weeks and then tell him up front, "Ask me a question and I'll answer to the best of my verbal ability." That way if I backslide and he senses I'm fudging on the truth he can call me on it. I've gotten away with downright lying to Doc before probably because he didn't feel he could push me on the matter without causing me to stop talking altogether. Giving him that permission is a very scary thing for me. But I trust him finally, not just professionally but personally. I have no delusions that it'll be easy (by no means), but as I'm being honest with myself I know it has to be done.

Wish me luck.

I have a weird cat

Have you ever had a cat licking behind your ear? It's a most disconcerting sensation. That's Pumpkin's new favorite thing to do. She'll jump onto my shoulders and go after my ear like it was a chicken flavored Pounce® treat. I'm just glad she doesn't do that when I'm trying to sleep. Pumpkin's also discovered that if she takes a swing at Dizzy she can make him fall down.

Dizzy has Cerebella Ataxia, which means the signals from his brain don't always get to his muscles like they should. This means he wobbles when he walks and often falls down if he turns around too fast or tries to scratch behind his ear. Now I didn't see this discovery of Pumpkin's first-hand, if I had she would have gotten a thorough soaking. My dad said he saw Pumpkin swing at Dizzy, probably because he got too close for comfort, and Dizzy fell down. When he got back up Pumpkin swung at him again as if to say, "Hey, this is fun." The little brat. Dad says he reprimanded her which may explain why I haven't seen her do that again, but she's swung at dizzy since then for no good reason and I swatted her on the butt. She wasn't expecting it and whipped around with a look that said, "What was that for?"

Like she didn't know.

an addendum to 7/14 AM

After days of introspective analysis I have come to the realization that I don't trust Doc Sig. Oh sure, I trust him as a Doctor, to not divulge my secrets because of the possible legal ramifications. But even after all these years of talking (during which his record hasn't been exemplary, but no major trauma suffered) I haven't let him in. I convinced myself that Doctor to Patient was enough, and I wonder why I'm not making progress.

Doc once described my inner self, my personal space, as a room where I have metaphorical objects representing certain memories or opinions or special interests, basically what makes me me. At certain times I've let people into this room to see these objects, to see the real me. Sometimes these people aren't very gentle and stuff gets broken, then I'm reluctant to let them back in. Normally (continuing with the visual) this room has a door that I can open and close, lock or unlock. Until now most of my sessions with Doc have taken place either in the doorway or the hallway with the door open. So far I've only trusted Doc to look, afraid of what he'd do or even say once he got up close and saw the dirt and cobwebs (again, metaphorically).

Well at my previous session he stepped inside without, I think, even realizing it. After all the years of talk, his gesture of a scholarship finally convinced me that he's a friend. I doubt a Doctor would do that for a Patient, but a friend would in order to help another friend out.

So now he has access. Like I said before, his being inside is not unwelcome, just unexpected. I consciously let my walls down because I wanted to be able to trust him more, it was just a surprise to see all of a sudden how far down they were, how 'open to attack' I let myself become. As such I've been working through some unrealistic animosity towards Doc, not just because he got through my defenses but because his schedule was booked this week so I haven't been able to see him. The unrealistic part of me says "He doesn't want to see me, he doesn't want to help me, he's not really my friend." Thankfully I recognize this for what it is and I'm not turning it into resentment or anger. Or in the opposite direction, an apathy towards his offer of help.

not doing well

I have another appointment scheduled with Doc in two weeks, but I've come to the conclusion that I need to see him sooner than that. This whole situation (with the scholarship) has scrambled my brain. Not the actual scholarship, just everything else this generosity has stirred up. Ever since my appointment I've been lethargic when I'm not thinking about it and a little panicky when I do think about it. I explained as best I can in my previous post, some things can't be put into words is all.

It's not urgent (almost, but not quite). If it was I'd use the cell number he gave me. I just need to talk to Doc sooner than two weeks. I may not even have to use my money to pay for it either. Mom will probably pick this one up. Why not, Dad pays for all the others.

a great kindness

Every few sessions Doc and I discuss me getting a job and eventually moving out and being independent. He said that's the whole goal of these continued meetings, to get me to a place where I can accomplish that. In addition to it being a confidence issue on my part, I only have an Associate's Degree and a lot of places won't accept somebody without a Bachelor's. Doc said it often doesn't matter what field the Bachelor's Degree is in, it just shows the employer you're committed to putting in the extra effort.

Well, at my previous appointment we were discussing the job situation again and this long pause ensued. Then Doc said, "Would it give you a boost if...?," and he made like he was looking for something around his desk. He continued, "What I'm going to do is" and here my memory gets muddled because Doc essentially said he'd pay for me to get my Bachelor of Arts in Theological Studies at the Christian college of which he's President. He said it's a correspondence course (meaning I get workbooks mailed to me, I complete them, then send them back) with 80-some books totaling 7 or 8 thousand dollars.

This was on Thur night and I'm still in shock.

It's not just the money, like I said he's the President of the school so I'm sure he's able to give a, call it a full scholarship, if he so chooses. When he said I could get my Bachelor's at no cost I was appalled at how fast my suspicions came up. It goes back to the opinion I have of myself, which more and more I'm finding is really out of sync with how others see me, both positively and negatively.

And it's this self-deprecation that contributes to the other part of my shock. The question that's been buzzing in my brain (only recently articulated) is "why?" This question is so troubling to me because my usual defense of "you don't know me" doesn't work with Doc. He does know me better than anyone and yet he's willing to do this for me. Which is where the "why?" comes in. Knowing me like he does, why is he still willing to do this for me? The answer I come up with is, "That's what friends do, they help each other."

This revelation of "yes, he's my friend, I can trust him" makes me realize that despite my best efforts, Doc Sig got inside all the barriers I've put up over the years to protect myself from getting hurt. This happened gradually over many years of repeated visits, little by little he insinuated himself into my confidences. I'm not saying I had no part in this, at certain times I made a conscious effort to drop my guard. I just found it disconcerting to suddenly wake up to the fact that I let him in. I sometimes find myself staring at the wall or ceiling with a bewildered look on my face wondering, "How did that happen?" Like I said, I'm in shock, it just has many facets.


By the way, Dizzy and Pumpkin are getting along much better.

in the interim

We cut it pretty close, getting the apartment totally empty by 8 pm on the 30th. Needless to say tempers flared and we took some time apart to cool off. Things were patched up before too long however and I ended up spending the night at the new place. Then I spent the next night, and the next. After four days I figured I needed to come home before my cat Pumpkin forgot who I was.

So that's how it's been for the past two and a half weeks. I'll spend a few days at Dad's place then Mom will pick me up and I'll spend a few days over there. The only time I use the word home is to describe the place I'm staying at the time. I now have a better grasp of the old phrase "Home is where you hang your hat."

In other news, the whole development where Mom lives is under an Association, I guess it's something like a board of directors but not as exclusive. Anyway, one of the Association's rules on pets is two (or is it three) cats, so as of yesterday Dizzy came to live with Dad and me. Dizzy is the sweetest cat you could ever find and so far he doesn't have a problem with my cat Pumpkin. It's Pumpkin that's being a spoiled brat about the whole thing. She just catches sight of Dizzy and she starts whimpering and growling, even though Diz has made no aggressive move whatsoever. After years of living with three kitty brothers (and sometime bullies) Dizzy has learned to anticipate antagonism and then avoid it. So when Pumpkin gets all huffy, Dizzy goes right back under the bed to hide. I may have to take the squirt bottle after her to put her in her place.

Doc Sig is back, he got back on Mon and I have an appointment with him tomorrow. (Sidenote: Mom gave me $100 for helping her move.) Since so much has happened since I saw Doc last I'm tempted to use some of the money Mom gave me to add a back-to-back appointment for next time. That way I won't feel like I'm wasting a whole appointment on bringing him up to speed or get frustrated because I'm leaving stuff out to get back to my problems. Luckily he only charges $35 a session.