a great kindness

Every few sessions Doc and I discuss me getting a job and eventually moving out and being independent. He said that's the whole goal of these continued meetings, to get me to a place where I can accomplish that. In addition to it being a confidence issue on my part, I only have an Associate's Degree and a lot of places won't accept somebody without a Bachelor's. Doc said it often doesn't matter what field the Bachelor's Degree is in, it just shows the employer you're committed to putting in the extra effort.

Well, at my previous appointment we were discussing the job situation again and this long pause ensued. Then Doc said, "Would it give you a boost if...?," and he made like he was looking for something around his desk. He continued, "What I'm going to do is" and here my memory gets muddled because Doc essentially said he'd pay for me to get my Bachelor of Arts in Theological Studies at the Christian college of which he's President. He said it's a correspondence course (meaning I get workbooks mailed to me, I complete them, then send them back) with 80-some books totaling 7 or 8 thousand dollars.

This was on Thur night and I'm still in shock.

It's not just the money, like I said he's the President of the school so I'm sure he's able to give a, call it a full scholarship, if he so chooses. When he said I could get my Bachelor's at no cost I was appalled at how fast my suspicions came up. It goes back to the opinion I have of myself, which more and more I'm finding is really out of sync with how others see me, both positively and negatively.

And it's this self-deprecation that contributes to the other part of my shock. The question that's been buzzing in my brain (only recently articulated) is "why?" This question is so troubling to me because my usual defense of "you don't know me" doesn't work with Doc. He does know me better than anyone and yet he's willing to do this for me. Which is where the "why?" comes in. Knowing me like he does, why is he still willing to do this for me? The answer I come up with is, "That's what friends do, they help each other."

This revelation of "yes, he's my friend, I can trust him" makes me realize that despite my best efforts, Doc Sig got inside all the barriers I've put up over the years to protect myself from getting hurt. This happened gradually over many years of repeated visits, little by little he insinuated himself into my confidences. I'm not saying I had no part in this, at certain times I made a conscious effort to drop my guard. I just found it disconcerting to suddenly wake up to the fact that I let him in. I sometimes find myself staring at the wall or ceiling with a bewildered look on my face wondering, "How did that happen?" Like I said, I'm in shock, it just has many facets.


By the way, Dizzy and Pumpkin are getting along much better.