an addendum to 7/14 AM

After days of introspective analysis I have come to the realization that I don't trust Doc Sig. Oh sure, I trust him as a Doctor, to not divulge my secrets because of the possible legal ramifications. But even after all these years of talking (during which his record hasn't been exemplary, but no major trauma suffered) I haven't let him in. I convinced myself that Doctor to Patient was enough, and I wonder why I'm not making progress.

Doc once described my inner self, my personal space, as a room where I have metaphorical objects representing certain memories or opinions or special interests, basically what makes me me. At certain times I've let people into this room to see these objects, to see the real me. Sometimes these people aren't very gentle and stuff gets broken, then I'm reluctant to let them back in. Normally (continuing with the visual) this room has a door that I can open and close, lock or unlock. Until now most of my sessions with Doc have taken place either in the doorway or the hallway with the door open. So far I've only trusted Doc to look, afraid of what he'd do or even say once he got up close and saw the dirt and cobwebs (again, metaphorically).

Well at my previous session he stepped inside without, I think, even realizing it. After all the years of talk, his gesture of a scholarship finally convinced me that he's a friend. I doubt a Doctor would do that for a Patient, but a friend would in order to help another friend out.

So now he has access. Like I said before, his being inside is not unwelcome, just unexpected. I consciously let my walls down because I wanted to be able to trust him more, it was just a surprise to see all of a sudden how far down they were, how 'open to attack' I let myself become. As such I've been working through some unrealistic animosity towards Doc, not just because he got through my defenses but because his schedule was booked this week so I haven't been able to see him. The unrealistic part of me says "He doesn't want to see me, he doesn't want to help me, he's not really my friend." Thankfully I recognize this for what it is and I'm not turning it into resentment or anger. Or in the opposite direction, an apathy towards his offer of help.