Change

Ah, that dreaded word. So unwelcome, yet so inevitable it can make a person crazy.

After three years of separation, my parents are getting back together. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. The problem arises when #1, since Dad and I live in a 1-bdrm apartment and Mom lives in a 3-bdrm house, Dad and I will be the ones to pack up and move. And #2, Mom lives way the hell out in the suburbs, one of these cities that's sprawled all over creation but Downtown is one street maybe 6 blocks long. No bus service to speak of, and me not being able to drive, means no easy access to anything.

I realize I'm whining, that my life is not as dire as it seems by comparison to many. But you have to understand that due to certain uncontrollable circumstances in my formative years, at this point in my life I crave stability. I survive on routine, the only way I can face all the 'what ifs' and 'could happens' of a world in chaos. Saturday church and my appointments with Doc are 'me time.' On those days, for a few hours, I can live completely in my own little world with no worries or responsibilities other than the ones at hand.

It's hard to explain because no one else is in my head, and even I realize what a poor attempt the above half-paragraph is. I know what I'm trying to say, but I'm not as good as Doc is at verbal/written clarification.

Doc says (and it's true) that I'm very analytical, that I'm always processing information. So, even though I have no life to speak of (school, job, travel, intricate and abundant social obligations) I still need that 'me time' as a sort of reboot, a mental and psychological anchor that keeps my anxieties from fraying me into a hundred pieces. This is why the mere thought of such a disruption as moving (again) has me edgy and at times downright despondent.

I am so invested in this Saturday Routine of mine that, even though I can skip it once in a while (I get a ride or the weather's nasty), the thought of tossing it out completely has me beside myself. It would almost be as bad as having to take my cat back to the humane society.

Unfortunately, though I could talk this out with my parents, nothing would change because right now my mom is financially tied to this house she has. However, she recently lost her job and, unless she finds another one in short order, she and Dad would have to go halvsies on a 3-bdrm apartment closer to the city. It's a bit reprehensible, but it's what I'm hoping for.

"Dead Space"

I own an Xbox 360, a Christmas present from '07. I recently bought the above game, Dead Space. Not since Halo have I been so thoroughly sucked into the world of a video game.

The genre is survival/horror. The main character, Isaac Clark, is an engineer sent to repair/salvage a mining ship after all communications have ceased. The reason why is what makes this game so great. I won't try to explain it in a few sentences because it can't be done, but this game has elements from movies like, Alien, Event Horizon, and Solaris. I jumped out of my skin several times and was surprised into saying words I don't normally use.

He's Baaaack

I had an appointment with Doc yesterday. Considering it's been 3 months and 6 days, I was happy to see him. He didn't go into detail as to why he was gone, just that he'd had surgery and would be going back in again in a month or so. I'm just glad to have him back.

It was pretty much a catch-up session, talking about all that's gone on in the interim, finishing up with Messengers mostly. My next appointment is in two weeks, hopefully we'll stay in the here-and-now this time.

Free At Last!

No, but seriously, it's only been three days since Messengers' final performance and I already miss them. I don't see any of them on anything resembling a regular basis, and we aren't scheduled to be back together as a whole group until Feb of '09 what with the holiday season fast approaching.

Also, Doc has yet to call and reschedule the appointment that's been postponed for 2 1/2 months now. Not that I mean to rush him. I'd rather I have to wait a bit longer and have him in top condition than to meet once and have another 2 months go by. I plan to clean up/rearrange my room and make regular visits to the library to keep me busy. Like it'll do any good.

Messengers, still

Four performances down, one more (and two rehearsals) to go. I'm glad we have two rehearsals to get familiar with the setup of this last church. It actually used to be my family's home church when I was little, but I haven't been there in years, and never in the sound booth. Hopefully their equipment isn't much different than what I've already used. One less thing to stress over.

Doc Sig is out of the hospital, back home and recovering. Yay! He's still not taking appointments until early Nov, but apparently (surprisingly) I'm ok with waiting. Granted I've been stressed and at times a little panicky, but no hysterics or even mini freak-outs. So kudos for me I guess. Now, after all this is done and I can 'relax' (let my inner guard down, stop wearing my brave face), that may be another matter entirely.

Cut Off by Construction

The apartment complex I live in is bordered on two sides by impassable obstacles: a railroad track three blocks over on the East, and a freeway a block North. There is no direct access from the South due to a separate apartment complex which has no through-way to ours. On the West side is the only good access, a main street that normally serves a lot of traffic North/South. I say normally because it's been under construction for a few months.

I can hear the heavy machinery out there now, back-hoes and dozers and little one-man Cats. They make a lot of noise, especially at 8 o'clock in the morning. If I remember right, they're revamping the sewer/drainage piping. They dig holes, put in concrete pipes, fill the holes, dig more holes, move the dirt around. Because of this, the entire street from the north end of our complex to the south end is barricaded off so no cars can get through.

The only way to reach us now by car is from the south along a narrow frontage road next to the railroad track, then down the single street that runs along the north edge of the complex between us and the freeway. It's a hell of a hassle giving directions. It used to be, "Just go South on this street till you hit that street, turn left." Hopefully they'll be done before snow flies.

Every time I walk to the store and I feel like a kind of olden-time outcast striking out from the forbidden zone toward nearby civilization, hoping to barter my meager coin-of-the-realm for supplies.

Stress

We (The Messengers) are smack in the middle of performances. Our first was this past Fri, the second just yesterday. The first was a train wreck, with several dropped or garbled lines and missed cues. The second went so much better you'd almost think it was a different play. And we still have three to go (17th, 19th, 26th).

Even in the weeks before we started, the muscles across my back and shoulders were tight. Now I'm tired and achy all over: head, neck, shoulders, back, legs. Also my chest feels a bit constricted like a panic attack and, while it's mild, it comes and goes. Although, that may be due to my increased smoking, which itself is a way I deal with stress.

Fortunately, since the first show is over and done with, all the anxiety I felt pre-season has descended to a low hum. Since our next two showings are at our church's North Site, which we've been to before, I don't expect it to ramp up again until our final performance on the 26th at an unfamiliar church. I'm sure I can keep it together until then, it's afterward that I'm wary of. I may stay in bed all day of the 27th just to avoid blowing up at someone who won't deserve it.

And, of course, underlying all of this is the grievous fact that my psychological anchor, Doc Sig, is out of the picture indefinitely. The message on his office phone says he's out for at least three weeks (from the 4th) which means I won't get to see him until the first or second week in Nov.

Waiting Game

I called Doc's office again last night. There was a new greeting message on his answering machine, which he usually does when he'll be out for some time. The message was long and a bit rambling, the man sounded beat up. I have never heard him sound so exhausted.

He said he's not sure when he'll be back to work, but he'll be out of the office for at least 3 weeks. So there's nothing for it, I'll just have to wait. No problem, right?

7 Weeks and Counting

The last time I was at Doc's office for an appointment was Aug 19th. If he doesn't call soon it'll be a new record. I called his office on Fri and left a message, hopefully he's just busy.

Postponed Indefinitely

Doc cancelled/had to reschedule, again.

He called early Mon, said he'd been up all night and was "very sick". I know it's not his fault (unless you count overworking) but he's told me a number of times that I shouldn't apologize for my feelings. So here goes.

To say I'm upset would be polite. I'm just under pissed off. It's been 6 weeks and counting with no more of an explanation than he's 'not well'. In all this time I've had no one to really talk to like Doc and I do. 

But like I said, he's not directly to blame. So when (if) he calls to reschedule, hopefully within the next day or so, I have to remember to keep my curtness to a minimum.

Still Here, Barely

I have an appointment with Doc tomorrow. It's been 6 weeks. It wasn't supposed to be. Originally it was scheduled for the 2nd, but Doc called the morning of saying he wasn't "feeling well." Since he's no Spring Chicken (mid 60's), I always get a nervous twinge when he uses those words. He's admitted he's had a close call or two and he works too hard.

Now in the past I've gone longer than this between sessions, but this was unintentional and so I'm feeling a bit stretched. You could probably tell from my previous posts, things have been a little more busy than I'm used to dealing with.

Also, my dad had surgery for kidney stones on Fri the 19th. The actual surgery went fine and he came home Sat night with a drainage tube to help excess fluid out of the kidney to allow it to heal up. He then went back to the have the tube removed on Wed, but it wouldn't stop leaking at first. After he soaked two small towels he called his doctor who said, "It's rare but sometimes that happens." Dad's fine now, on the road to recovery, but it was extremely stressful in the midst of the situation. Even more so with no one to talk to.

The Morning I Spent Waiting For Garrison Keillor

At 11 o'clock this morning, Keillor was scheduled to be at his bookstore in St Paul signing copies of his new book, 'Liberty', or whatever books people brought in to be signed. Situated above his bookstore is Nina's Coffee Cafe, and I got there early because I knew there'd be a line. As it was, Keillor didn't show until almost Noon.

The bookstore opens at 10 am and I went down to buy a copy of 'Liberty' (I'd also brought two others, but that was the main one I wanted signed). By quarter-to-eleven there were a dozen people already in line so I joined up to wait. And wait we did. At 11:15 a woman, I assume a bookstore employee, said Keillor "got held up at the office." At 11:40, mini bottles of water were handed out and that same woman said, "He's working with a new production staff (for his 'The Writer's Almanac' broadcast) but he's on his way." At 11:50, free hot-dogs made the rounds. "He should be here any minute." she said.

Then from behind me I heard, "Garrison Keillor." Someone in front of me looked back and said, "There he is." Finally.

Earlier, the woman/employee handed out sticky-notes to the crowd and said, "To save time, you should write down how you want Garrison to sign your book." Because I am an aspiring writer, and Keillor is one of my favorite authors, I put down, "Keep Writing!" As I hoped, this prompted him to ask me what I write. "Poetry mostly, nothing genre-specific, yet." I told him I keep stalling out after a week or so of writing fervor.

When I made the comment that he's my second favorite author, he said, "So now I'm supposed to ask 'Who's your first?' " I told him Stephen King and he agreed that King is a good model for a writing work ethic.

After he'd signed my books, he handed them back and said, "I'm glad I'm one of your favorites." and he shook my hand. What a nice man. I'd read somewhere that he was abrupt, more New Yorker than Minnesotan. Not true, he's just distracted and a little scatterbrained in a genius kind of way. When I checked his signatures in my books later, in addition to my note, 'Keep Writing!' Keillor added, 'Every day in anyway.' Very cool.

Messengers

Rehearsals are in full swing. This season we're doing a brand-new production from the book of John. The title is "Light and its Effect on the Beast", the beast being us as sinful human beings.

We've been rehearsing every Thur and Fri night since Aug 1, and while it's still a bit rough around the edges the finished product will be spectacular. The basic plot is there's a woman who's not convinced that Jesus is God, the one and only. So throughout the course of the play, the cast enacts a series of stories from the book of John (the woman at the well of Samaria, Jesus healing the blind beggar, raising Lazarus from the dead). I've seen it so many times by now that you'd think I wouldn't be paying much attention anymore, but every rehearsal I catch a new phrase that renews my interest.

So far we have five performance dates, two at our Downtown campus (Minneapolis), two at the North Site (Mounds View), and one at Park Ave Methodist (Minneapolis). The first performance isn't until Oct 10, so we've still got some time.

Poetry

I've been immersed in writing poetry lately, often neglecting my personal journals. I wanted to post some here but all I have so far are a couple dinky limericks and one that's not finished. This latter seems to have taken on a mind of its own and keeps wanting to get longer. It's actually pretty good, but like I said, it's not done.

So here's one of the dinks, something I spat out in a single, hour-long college English class:

I went to the fridge for a snack

And I thought I'd be coming right back

But the leftovers tried

To pull me inside

And I found myself under attack

The students in class, as well as anyone I've read it to, thought it was witty. So imagine what I could do if I really applied myself.

Psalm 40:2

For the past months I have been struggling through an extreme state of despair and depression. Only in the past week has it begun lifting. I have my own self to blame (Ps 107:10-12), but I believe I am only put through difficulty for my good (Heb 12:6-7). It's taught me patience, not only with myself and other people, but also with God (Ps 37:7a).

Not to say I don't still get frustrated, I tend to have a short fuse, but I find I'm able to deal with it in a more constructive way. I've never been one to put holes in walls, but there was this in March of '07 after the 'Dave Fiasco'. I have since added one for Doc, but even that was some time ago and all that remains are scars that no one asks about.

On a lighter note, many thank-you's to Doc for not giving up on me, exponentially more to God for that same reason. Having emerged on the other side, I can more clearly see the dark hole I was in. Looking back, remembering how I felt in there, I have a deep sense of relief and gratitude that God did not abandon me to my despair, though it felt very much like that at the time. Now I have a better perspective of how things really are instead of bemoaning how I think they should be.

I know I'm nowhere near out of the woods yet (it's called life), but at least I'm finally, sincerely doing better.

•All references are ESV

Bad News

Morgan Freeman (actor) was recently in a semi-serious car accident in which his car went off the road and flipped a couple times. Though he broke his shoulder, arm and ribs, the EMTs said he was conscious and communicative.

Bernie Mac (comedian and actor) died Sat from complications from tuberculosis. He suffered from Sarcoidosis of the lungs, medication for which can lower a person's immune system.

Isaac Hayes (musician) died Sun. The family physician listed the cause of death as a stroke.

Off-hand observation

I know that great disasters can bring total strangers together in the spirit of brotherhood to rebuild what was lost, and so on and so forth. But who knew it could also be true on a smaller scale? Example:

While waiting for the bus heading home from church tonight, I was joined by two young black men. They were talking back and forth: who was over at who's house, a time one of them got beat up by the cops, juvinilistic joking around. I tried not to listen (or smirk when something struck me funny) and basically kept to myself until the bus arrived.

When the bus got there, however, he didn't stop at the corner we were on but drove on to the next stop. One of the guys then said to me, "Did he just drive past us?" I knew he was talking to me because his buddy was ahead of him and we three were the only ones there. I was a bit exasperated too and answered a hearty, "Yeah, he did."

If you've read much of this blog you know that I don't say much to people I do know, never mind talking to strangers. But our common annoyance at basically being ignored was enough to temporarily erase the boundaries of being strangers.

I guess it just goes to show that I'm at my best (most outgoing) when I don't have the time to think about it. I wish I could just be in the moment more often, at least around people, instead of overanalyzing every potential situation.

Right-side thinking

According to Doc's therapeutic method, the right-side of the brain is used mainly for logical thinking and problem solving, the left-side is devoted to the emotional and the imagination. My problem, I'm too heavy on the left-side. It takes me a real effort to knuckle down and think things out to a plausible solution without fanciful 'what-ifs'.

I do my thinking as I write. Putting words down on paper seems to clear space for new insights to come to light and connections to be made. The last thing Doc said to me at session yesterday was, "Think about what we talked about." So I did, and hot damn it worked. It's fear, so simple right? I can trace all my problems to the fear of the random. It's a left-side problem itself, the fear of 'what if', what could happen. Since I have a vivid imagination, I sometimes have trouble separating 'could happen' from 'will happen'. As such, I've become an expert at denial, often to my detriment.

Bob's Produce Ranch

For the past few weeks my grandma has been going on and on about finding home-grown strawberries. She tried at Sam's Club but the strawberries there were imported from California. So today she's commandeering me to go out to Fridley (north of here on the Mississippi) to a farmer's market store to get some.

I was kind of hoping to get a day to myself, since Messengers met on Fri and then church on Sat, and I have an appointment with Doc Sig (finally) on Mon. But Grandma's sister is coming too, so hopefully it won't be too bad. My grandma isn't the easiest person for a loner to be around. She can be emotionally manipulative (though I don't know if she's aware of it) and feels the need to share the most mundane details of her life. This might be ok if she could remember whatall she's told me from week to week, but she always repeats herself. It can get tedious.

But I won't tell her this, partly because she's 70 and can't help it, but she'd get all pouty and make me feel guilty. So I put up with it. I mean, it can't last much longer, right?

a shameless plug 4

Party of One: The Loners' Manifesto by Anneli Rufus

I picked up a copy of this book on Mon and read it straight through in two days. Now I know why I am the way I am around people, especially Messengers. I know why I get emotionally worn out when I'm in large groups, even familiar ones, having to be social and 'play nice'. It's a bit much to put down here, but sufficed to say,  I'm not 'broken' and so don't need to be 'fixed'. For all true loners out there, this book can help.

Good times (from a livejournal, once-removed)

Close your eyes....And go back....
Before the Internet or the MAC
Before semi automatics and crack
Before SEGA or Super Nintendo...
Way back.......
I'm talkin' bout hide and go seek at dusk.
Red light, Green light.
Playing kickball & dodgeball until your porch light came on.
Mother May I?
Red Rover
Hula Hoops
Running through the sprinkler
Happy Meals
Wait......
Watchin' Saturday Morning cartoons
Fat Albert, Road Runner, Smurfs, Picture Pages,
G-Force & He-Man, Wonder Woman & Super Man Underoos
Playing Dukes of Hazard
Catchin' lightning bugs in a jar
Christmas morning.......
Your first day of school
Bedtime Prayers and Goodnight Kisses
Climbing trees
Getting an Ice Cream off the Ice Cream Truck
A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers
Jumpin' down the steps
Jumpin' on the bed.
Pillow fights
Runnin' till you were out of breath
Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt
Being tired from playin'....
Your first crush......
Rainy days at school meant playing "Heads up 7Up" in the class room.
Remember that?
I'm not finished yet....
Kool-aid was the drink of summer
Toting your friends on your handle bars
Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school
Class Field Trips
When nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got there.
When a quarter seemed like a fair allowance, and another quarter a miracle.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When your parents took you to McDonalds and you were so cool.
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
And some of us are still afraid of em!!!
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!
There's nothing like the good old days!
They were good then, and they're good now when we think about them.
Share some of these thoughts with a friend who can relate,
then share it with someone that missed out on them.
I want to go back to the time when............
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo"
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handledby whoever was the banker in "Monopoly"
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare"
Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
Water balloons were the ultimate ultimate weapon.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!!
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life...I DOUBLE DOG DARE YA!
Gosh that felt good! It is nice to go back and I wish we had the same for our children.

Seven

Seven things to do before I die

1. Fall in love/Find my other half

2. Take a roadtrip

3. Write a book

4. Finish therapy

5. Win the Powerball jackpot

6. Meet Stephen King

7. Adopt kids

Seven things I can't do (but wish I could)

1. Speak German

2. Save money

3. Speak my mind

4. Find North by the stars

5. Rock-climb

6. Drive

7. Beat the final boss on 'Gears of War' by myself

Seven things I look for in a guy

1. Compassion

2. A (tasteful) sense of humor

3. Intelligence

4. Humility

5. Character

6. Honesty

7. Love

Seven things I say most often

1. Cool

2. Sure, no problem

3. Figures

4. That's funny

5. Uh-huh

6. Son-of-a-b***h!

7. Dude

Seven books I love

1. The Dark Tower #3: The Waste Lands

2. The Dark Tower #7: The Dark Tower

3. Sabriel

4. Pontoon

5. The Oath

6. Duma Key

7. Pendragon, Book 1: The Merchant of Death

Seven movies I would watch over and over

1. Hide and Seek

2. Hannibal

3. Robots

4. Wild, Wild West

5. Volcano

6. Chronicles of Riddick

7. Fifth Element

Seven people I'd like to meet

1. Stephen King

2. Anthony Hopkins

3. Gordon Ramsay

4. Mark Lowry

5. Garrison Keillor

6. Robert DeNiro

7. Don Shelby

I got this from my sister's blog. Anyone who read it was to consider themselves tagged, so I guess I'm 'it.' I tweaked it a bit and added the last question to make the list a full seven. Enjoy!

Personal progress

At the beginning of May, Doc Sig and I made a breakthrough of sorts and were, I felt, at the start of another road that would lead to progress. Then I had some physical health issues. Nothing serious, but it was inconvenient and made getting out of the apartment uncomfortable. I didn't even make the effort of going to church because John was on sabbattical and not preaching. So there was a stretch of 2 to 3 weeks where I had little to no contact with anyone but my Dad. I don't mean this in a negative sense, just that I'm an introvert by nature. If I'm not forced to be outgoing on a regular basis, I tend to revert to an anxious wallflower and to prefer it that way.

It's gotten better in the past week or so, taking the bus to church or helping my grandma with groceries. But even with Messengers I've noticed that what little social/interpersonal progress I made (making eye contact, smiling and saying more than hello) is far below what it was previously. It's disconcerting to see how hard I have to work for a little progress, but how easily I can fall back onto old behaviors.

update

Here it is, almost May, and I've found that my blogging has fallen by the wayside. After going to TN, this writing felt like a have-to instead of a want-to. So I stopped, at least here. I have been writing more in my journals, which I've found is actually easier because no one is reading my journals. Not to say I don't want people reading this, some things are just personal.

So as to the non-personal, nothing really to report. Dad made a point to get both Sat and Wed off of work so he can come to church more, which is cool. Messengers has been having a bible study group, going through the book of John. We're almost done with that and then rehearsals don't start until Aug or Sept, I think.

shopping day

Yesterday Mom, my sister, D's mom (Giggy, pronounced like 'giggle' but with a 'y' instead of 'le') and myself had a 'girl's day out.' We didn't get our nails or hair done, but we did go shopping for about 5 hours. My brother went to hang out with a friend he'd made yesterday, a neighbor of my sister's.

First we stopped at a place called Cherokee Trading Post. Mom got a couple rings and I got a new knife, one more for my collection. Then we drove down the road to an outlet mall bigger than any I've ever seen. They have a shuttle to take people around to the other side of it. We must've gone to four different shoe stores, three clothes stores, a perfume store, not to mention Bath and Body Works. We finally had 'lunch' around 4 o'clock at The Chop House, a kind of steak 'n' grille with beef, chicken, and pork (both BBQ and not) but also soups, salads and sandwiches. They also had what they called an Orange Potato, a baked sweet potato. Mom got one with cinnamon butter. Oh, man was that good! I wish I'd gotten one.

When Giggy and my sister dropped us back at the room, we were so exhausted we didn't do much of anything else until bedtime. Now I know why I prefer to just go in a store, get what I want and leave. All-day shopping can tire a person out big time.

in Tennessee

This has to be quick because I'm going shopping with my mom, sister and the mom of my sister's beau, I'll call him D. Interestingly my sister is now being addressed by her middle name in order to avoid confusion with the family dog, funny how those things happen.

The trip down was uneventful, saw a lot of nice scenery (which my brother missed due to his Gameboy). A lot of rocks and trees, but cool to look at.

We didn't leave my mom's until almost 3 am, so we didn't get here until almost 10 at night, but D and my sister drove over to the hotel to greet us and try and figure out some stuff for us to do while we're here.

More to follow....

no more sick

I can finally take a deep breath without the fear of coughing up a lung and breathe through my nose well enough to sleep at night.

Mom, Matthew and I were planning to drive down to TN this Fri to see Nikki. Unfortunately, Mom recently got to doing her taxes and came to the (hopefully incorrect) conclusion that she somehow owes $4,000. It may be a transcription error, or it may be the result of her having to go exempt on quite a few paychecks way back to pay for the Philippines trip. So Mom said we'll have to postpone.

I'm a sickie.

This isn't supposed to happen, I don't get sick. Alright, technically I am sick. I do not, however, have a fever or congestion or mucus coming out my ears. I have a sore throat/dry cough and the teensiest bit of sinus pressure, so I am only sick in the least sense. Of course, this is only the second day of said sickness, so we'll just see won't we.

In other news, Doc is out of town again, not to return until mid-April. (Oh, joy.) At my previous appointment, a last minute dealie in the week between his coming and going, he said I have an attachment disorder. He wasn't at all clear on what that meant or how to fix it, so I had to do most of the follow-up on Google (I won't bore you with details. If you must know, go look it up.) but that wasn't much help beyond the definition.

In other, other news, I may have caught John in a mistake. On the website 'desiringgod.org' there is a Q&A radio program called "Ask Pastor John" where people can send in questions to be answered on the air. One particular question was, "Is smoking a sin?" Now, part of the answer John gives is that if he knew that a member of his church smoked, he'd ask them about it. Here's where the slip comes in. When I was on my way to church one Sat, he saw me smoking (which I usually do on the way to a situation I know will be stressful; church, rehearsal, Doc's.) And I know he saw me because we said hello. But he hasn't said anything about it to me, nobody has.

I'm not doing anything about it right now because he's a busy man and the incident probably got lost in the day-to-day. If it happens again, though, I'll be ready to call him on it.

a reason for everything

I called Doc today to set up an appointment and his voicemail said he'd be out of the office from the 10th to the 18th. So if I'd called on the 4th like I'd planned, he wouldn't have been able to see me until now anyway.

Hang on a sec.....

I went into my room just now because I heard a kind of metallic 'twang...twang' and found my cat Dizzy up on top of the cage I keep my pet mice in. The first words out of my mouth were a drawn out OMG! in complete disbelief because, if you recall, Dizzy is the one who has a birth defect that inhibits the signals from his brain to always get to the correct muscles, so he walks like he's drunk. In addition to this, the cage isn't directly accessible to any stable surface. He had to climb over my clock radio and under my bedside lamp, and did this without knocking anything over. When I caught him in the act he tried to get away. I grabbed him and put him back on the cage and gave him a stern talking to, as well as a swat on the behind. That doesn't mean he won't do it again though.

Now, where was I? Ah yes, coincidences that aren't. In Acts 1:7 it says, “It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed by his own authority." Basically, the good things God means for you (providential coincidence) will happen when they happen. It's not for you to know until they do. Sometimes they may look like totally random events that no one could've seen coming (no human anyway), but God knows. Besides, I've found that we humans don't often predict good things. Rather they're often the bilious and sour stormings of a rampant cynic and doomsayer.

Censored

My dad's been reading my older posts. Yikes! I don't remember half of what I wrote way back there, but enough of it is so overly dramatic it's a bit embarrassing. Granted I was going through a rough spot (like the one I'm going through now) but sometimes even I want to scream at myself, "Get over it!"

Of course, I remember what it felt like then. As I said, I'm going through it now. I can't seem to learn my lesson and may have stepped in it again. I need to call Doc before my overly-emotional self does something potentially stupid to try and 'fix' the potentially stupid thing I have already done.

And Dad, if you're reading this, it's not the issue I was going through on Friday (remember you made sure I emptied my desktop trash?), it's something else. Ask me about it when I get home. I need to tell someone (but not just anyone), which is probably why I'll call Doc tomorrow. I had planned to wait until the 9th or 10th to see if I really needed to see him, but I don't know if I can make it that long keeping this to myself.

And Dad, you know from my earlier posts I can be a tad dramatic, so I wouldn't worry. I doubt it's as bad as I think. It just feels that way. Like not eating anything for breakfast, then downing a bottle of Mountain Dew.

It's cold!

And it's only 11:00. They're actually predicting -50 windchill before the day is out, but I think this pretty much says it all. Needless to say I won't be going outside today. Hang on, the phone's ringing.....

Ok, check that about going outside. My mom just called and said, "I'll pick you up around 4:15." A moment's silence. "For what?" I said. "For Wednesday nite church." she said. Oh, right, that. Well at least it's not waiting for the bus, just a (very) quick walk to and from the car.

A Prairie Home Companion

This past Saturday, Dad and I took the bus over to St Paul and saw Garrison Keillor's radio show 'A Prairie Home Companion' live at the Fitzgerald theater. Even though our seats were in the last row of the second balcony, about as far from the stage as you can get without being outside, I had a fantastic time. I know I had an especially good time because my mind did not wander once during the two-hour show. This coming from a person who didn't hear half the questions at they're own baptism.

Afterwards, as we waited for the bus going home, I couldn't stop smiling. Ever since I really became aware of Keillor, I've wanted to see his show. Unfortunately the tickets aren't cheap even if you get them at the theater, and the price of ordering them through Ticketmaster is ridiculous. So even though the seats weren't the best, just getting to see the show made me happy. I only realized later how invested my emotions were in this experience because halfway home I felt exhausted, I was nodding off on the bus.

Dad said that he didn't really care if he saw it live, so next time (if there is one) he'll use the extra money to get a better seat and I can go by myself. Very cool. If you want to listen to APHC, click the link at right under 'My Links'.

After Christmas

Mom did indeed get Matthew a Wii system, lucky him. She also got me an X-box 360. Not only that but it came with two games, an extra controller, an 'X-box 360' cd case and messenger bag. I haven't used the bag yet because I'm afraid of being mugged for it, which is likely given some of the neighborhoods I have to bus through. Plus, she bought me Halo 3. Considering it costs upwards of $50, I figured there was no way she'd get it for me, let alone an actual X-box. I almost screamed.

So I guess you could say Matthew and I had an very cool Christmas. Dinner didn't turn out bad either.