Crash & Burn-and a possible shift in loyalty

Dave was avoiding me last night, which is understandable given his false perceptions. But when I got his attention to try and give him my note (he was standing with Renee) he said,"You'll have to give it to her (indicating Renee)." And he said it in such a low tone of voice it's like he didn't even want to speak to me. Now I gotta say, Dave, that was just rude.

Hopefully after reading the note he'll have a bit of a change of heart. If not I'm afraid he may end up on the other side with Bill. Trust me, that's not somewhere he wants to be. I'd rather he not be there either because I do want him as a friend not an enemy (though that is probably too strong a word; it would be obsession but in the way that Dave now fears). I think in order to understand where it is Dave may be headed, I need to explain more about Bill and where he was versus where he is now.

In 1997, when I was 15, I started attending MN Transitions Charter Highschool in Mpls. It's a small school, not only in the size of the studentry but also in square footage. The teachers were very personable and let the students call them by their first names. Bill was the History/Geography teacher. He also taught some Special Ed. later on during my time there.

I don't recall what exactly it was that made me take an interest in Bill specifically. Maybe it was his age, maybe it was because he played Gershwin and Rachmaninov during class. I think it was because, like Dave, he didn't talk in sound bytes. He meant what he said and he really listened when I talked. He also helped me realize there's more to life than my own screwed up family. Whatever the reason, I was hooked, and for a while things were ok. Sometimes Bill would let me hang out in his room after school and we'd just talk (kind of informal therapy).

Then, as with Dave, I began wanting 'something more'. (Part of me says I don't know what 'just friends' means, but I think I just don't recognize it or am not satisfied with it when I do have it.) Now remember, at that time I felt there was something missing but I wouldn't have been able to describe it if you threatened me with a branding iron. When I approached Bill with the possibility of him being a kind of surrogate Dad, somewhere in the jumbled mess of my reasoning I knew for a fact that he wouldn't. But just the faintest sliver of a possibility made me go ahead anyway against my better judgement (just like with Dave). I gotta stop listening to those.

When Bill said,"I can't." without any explanation, it was at that moment that he went from a possible friend and mild obsession in a good way (if there really is such a thing) to the eventual object of my vengeful fantasies. The difference, I no longer liked him. You may be saying, 'What difference does that make?' but others like me will understand. The difference between a 'good' obsession and a 'bad' one is whether or not you like them. I've heard there's a difference between liking say, a family member, and loving them. The same is true of the obsessee. Obsession is what it is, not much changes that. But the flavor of the situation can change dramatically depending on whether you like them or not.

So that is what I'm hoping Dave does not become. I think the reason there's still a chance of friendship with him is because I've matured a bit in my views of friendship. Plus, Dave didn't slam the door quite as hard as Bill. I also haven't had six years to ruminate on the offense. So here's hopin, more for your sake, Dave, than mine.