not for the likes of the 'normal'

When people ask me what I do, am I working or going to school, I answer no on both counts. Then I recite my pre-approved list of stuff I do do in my spare time (meaning always). Included in this list is 'writing'. Without fail they perk up at this, as if I'm writing a novel or something. I wish.

I've been good at writing ever since I can remember, whether it's a report or short story, but it was always for school, never for myself. What I've found is that when I write for myself, the only things I write are my vengeful fantasies. Part of me knows this is not a good thing, that writing about kidnapping, torture and murder can get you in a whole heap of trouble. But then the other part says that's only true of those people that know me personally and have an idea that the things I write have a grain of truth, that they are actual wants (though if they really knew me they'd know I'd never act on them). So my problem arises when I try to change things around enough to make it true fiction and yet still have the story ring true for me (not to mention being believable).

So when those people ask, "What do you write?" I tell them it's like short story journalling. They're probably looking for a genre (romance, horror, adventure) but how do I explain that what I write is not for the general public without them then asking more probing questions? Usually I just say I don't feel comfortable about other people reading my writing, which is close enough. I think my telling them that I'm afraid of being thought psychotic would be a little too much information for the merely curious (or anyone other than Doc Sig). But I keep at it, trying to tone down my writing to exclude wanton acts of violence, especially against those I know. I think I'll get a separate writing notebook and make it a personal policy to have no dark and violent stories in it, period.

an appointment with the Doc

Holy shit that man can talk, and talk, and after the first five minutes I glaze over and zone out. Then he asks me what I thought of what he's been saying. Sneak attack! Every time without fail the first word out of my mouth is "Um," because I'm trying to jumpstart my brain back on track to make some kind of coherent comment. Tonight I finally got tired of him doing that and I told him, "I've noticed that you talk a lot. Just talk and talk and talk. (While making opening and closing motions with my hand.)" I didn't have the guts (or was frustrated enough) to tell him to "shush, just shut up and let me talk." Probably next time. I went in tonight with a specific topic of discussion, but he kept talking so I never got to bring it up.

So for nearly the entire 50 minutes he told me of his concerns about my going overseas to see/be with a man I've never met. No matter how I explain it to him he says he can't understand why I'd want to do this. Well, he's into his second marriage so I doubt he remembers very clearly what it's like to be so heartsick and lonely for a companion that it's hard to eat or sleep. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he has the best of intentions (and we've seen where those can get someone) and I respect his opinion very much. But this is my life, my decision. So butt out, Doc.

if hell froze over

I'm not entirely sure, but I think I may have had some kind of mini breakdown today.

After church tonight I tried to locate Joy for a ride. No luck, so I started looking for someone else I knew who lived in my direction to ask for a ride home. Again, no luck. Ed was there but I'd previously made a decision to not ask him for a ride in order to respect the church's mandate on 'avoiding the appearance of sin' and also for Ed's sake because of any issues he may be working through (plus I'd overheard he was having some guys over to his place for dinner and most likely Christian fellowship: no girls allowed).

As I was donning my jacket I had an idea the trip home would not be pleasant, but I had no idea how bad it would actually be. Some of the following may sound fantastical or out of proportion, but those readers who live in the north will know.

I was not even a block from the church when my nose was too cold to feel. This should have been my first clue to turn back and make another attempt at a ride, even with strangers. By the time I walked the three blocks to the first bus stop I couldn't feel my nose and my lips and chin were almost numb. Luckily at this stop there was a shelter to get out of the wind. The next one wasn't so good.

The ride between stops one and two is long enough that I'd gotten feeling back in my extremities. But there is no shelter at this second stop, no buildings or trees, nothing. I decided to stay standing so as to keep my jacket as closed as possible and so I could jump around to keep my muscles warm. The problem with this transfer point though is that coming home I miss the connection by only 5 minutes. But then it's a twenty minute wait till the next bus. After 10 minutes (I think, I'd stopped checking my watch so as to reduce heat loss) I was pleading with God and Jesus to make the bus come. I couldn't feel my chin or nose or cheeks and my ears were fast disappearing. I kept repeating "please, please, please" while shifting from foot to foot. When the bus finally did come I switched to saying "thank you, thank you" over and over. But this wasn't the last stop I had to wait at tonight.

The next ride between stops is shorter so I was still frosty when I got off this time. This stop is only three long blocks (our 'blocks' here are shaped in rectangles, hence short and long blocks) from the apartment, but three blocks into the wind at this temp is hell. There's a shelter at this stop but it's angled in such a way as to channel the wind instead of block it. So I was huddled against the front panel trying to block my face from the wind, never mind trying to save anything else. And again I missed the connection by 5 minutes, so I had to wait another twenty-five for the next bus. After five minutes I again couldn't feel my nose or my feet, my fingers hurt. I figured the pain was a plus, if I could still feel them then they weren't frozen. At ten minutes I started counting seconds, eliminating the minutes until the bus would come. After four minutes I kinda fuzzed out and sort of forgot why I was counting but just kept counting because there was nothing else to do. I lost track after five minutes when the wind started gusting inside my jacket. And then I spotted the bus down the street. Thank you God! I had trouble finding the handle on my bag I was so eager to get out to the corner so the bus would see me and stop.

When I finally got inside the apartment building I nearly collapsed against a wall I was so grateful to have made it home in one piece (I was whimpering with relief). Upon entering the actual apartment, lo and behold there's my dad watching tv. He said he'd gotten home at around 6:30. Hah! That's funny! (so not funny). I could have saved myself all that misery if I'd bothered to call his cell and ask him if he was home yet and could he come get me. I'd considered it when I was at church, but he'd said he was working till ten today so I didn't call. My bad, not his fault in any way.

Holy Crap it's cold out

I had to get up at 6:30 this morning to catch the bus to church for a coffee/small group event at 8:30. While on said bus at 7 I saw that the outside temp was 18º, when I came home at around noon the temp had dropped (yes, dropped) to 10º. How is that possible?! Isn't it supposed to get warmer around the noon hour? Right now the sun is shining and there's a little drippage off the roof, but the public television weather report is saying it's 12º with a windchill of -5º. This kind of cold must be invoked by satan himself, it's just evil. I've had to rethink my way to church in order to work in some bus shelters I can hunker down in while waiting for the next bus.

There is no way I'm riding the bus home though (the temp is supposed to drop to 0º or below). I'll have to put up with a ride from Joy.

public face

Quite frequently I visit a blog called A Diary of Great Disproportion in which a woman named Rozza chronicles her journey back to some sense of normalcy since her breakdown, as she says. In some ways she's worse off than I am (which, though I know is wrong, I find comforting) but in other ways she's doing better than I am at accepting her problems. A lot of the time I hear myself in some of her postings, another reason I find comfort in reading her blog.

One thing that stuck out about a month ago was her saying she "public faced" someone. It reminded me of a line in Paul McCartney's song Eleanor Rigby: "...wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door, who is it for?" I'm sure everyone has different faces for different people. The healthy, 'normal' ones are able to drop them at will. For others (like me) it's not so easy.

I have different degrees of 'public face' for different people or situations depending on how familiar I am with said person or situation. The face I wear at the pre-service prayer at church is different than the one I wear for my dad or even my therapist. These faces are differing degrees of openness on my part, differing levels of trust. And some of these 'faces' have taken years to be worn down and the trust levels built up enough for casual conversation (Dave) or even just eye contact (John). Sometimes all it takes is the right words (Lotis and Messengers) or the right wording (Doc. Sig.) at the right time to make a huge impact.

turning a quarter century

My 25th birthday is on Sat.

I was chatting online with someone recently, and I've mentioned it here, about how I haven't felt my age since I was 17 or thereabouts. Many times I have felt very young but not in a good, healthy way. Sometimes I have felt older than my years, but this is usually accompanied by a kind of exhausted weariness. After this person and I had talked for a while they said that I just sounded lazy, and that they were sorry to have let themselves spend an hour being depressed by me. That struck a nerve.

I tried to convince myself that this person was totally wrong, they don't know anything about me or my personal history or my family. But I came to realize that's only half the problem, it's a reason but not an excuse. Now that I'm 25 I have no place for excuses any more. I'd say the reason I haven't felt my age in so long is because it was right around 17 when I stopped growing, stopped progressing as a human being. I've been stagnant, stewing in a filthy psychological and emotional mire, building on the foundation of my dysfunctional childhood instead of breaking new ground. Shriveling and rotting from the inside for nearly eight years. But as comfortable and familiar as this mess I'm in is, I don't want to shrivel up and disappear. So it's decision time, a turning point if you will. I need to decide if I'm going to work my way out of this cave I'm in (stepping outside my comfort zone to seek aid) or give up and sink completely.

I forgot some things

#1) Concerning yesterday's post on separation for the sake of avoiding temptation, maybe I should consider 'doing the right thing' and asking Doc. Sig. for a referral. He's in the same category as Dave and John, so it would be dishonest of me to continue to see him if my motives aren't true, right? Right? (How do you express sarcasm in writing?) Maybe it's for the best that I don't say anything. He hasn't conveyed that it's a problem, perhaps because he doesn't think it's an issue for me. Then again, maybe the reason he hasn't mentioned it is precisely because he doesn't want create an issue that may not exist. Either way one of us is being dishonest, more likely me.

#2) In my continued effort to be more social and trying to develop female friends (per Lotis' and Dave's suggestion) I agreed to go walking at the Mall of America with Joy today, at 6 o'clock in the friggin morning. I am NOT a morning person, so it would have been bad enough with someone I like. This was nigh unbearable. I was being polite but not much more as I didn't get any sleep last night.

#3) I was going back over something I told Joy in our conversation last night, that I divert my trek to church on Sat so I can walk past John's house. I wasn't real clear on the purpose, something about trying to reconcile how I see him as an icon (The Great John Piper) but lately trying to see him as an actual person. Not good. That could very well come back to bite me in the ass later.

#4) After further examination of my heated statements in defense of Ed, I realized they were a little too emphatic. Partly because Ed is my friend (Doc. Sig. says part of my psychological makeup is a fierce loyalty to the few I do trust as friends) and I doubt Dave and Lotis have discussed their perception of his behavior with him directly. They've probably fished around the edges, asking if there's anything going on or how they can pray for him. They did the same with me. Instead of coming right out and telling me they had a problem with my insular behavior, it took a radical deviation from the norm on my part to make them act. I hope that, if Ed is coloring outside the proverbial lines, it doesn't take something drastic to incite them to help. And that they would be rational and fair in the judgement.

#5) At yesterday's pre-service prayer we all laid hands on John again. I was able to better concentrate this time until the guy next to me put his hand over mine instead of on John proper. It wasn't a full hand-on-hand contact, just his fingers touching the backs of mine. I snuck a peek and saw that there was room on John's arm just above my hand, so I don't know why he put his hand over mine. I don't think it was anything other than innocent contact, but he's got some developmental problems so I can't say for sure.

this is getting out of hand

Well, today was interesting and informative. I went to church as usual and was feeling so good in my newly re-found faith that I decided to try and re-reach out to the only Messenger near my age (whom I don't particularly like) in an attempt to do what Dave and Lotis suggested about finding women to hang out with. After the sermon I walked over with only the intention of saying hi, nice to see you. Her name is Joy, and she asked if I needed a ride home. I said yes (the temp outside tonight was in the teens) and then she asked if I wanted to accompany her to her nail appointment and then have supper at her place. I put my personal feelings aside in order to try and expand and improve myself. (It wasn't about free food. If I'm emotional uncomfortable I can't eat, like when Messengers (and I) came back from Canada in Spring of '06. After my first trip out of the country, forced to be more sociable than ever before, I wanted personal space. Lotis would have none of that and tried to force me to join the group. I got so agitated I couldn't eat for hours.)

After supper she asked if I wanted to watch t.v., I asked if we could just talk instead (again trying to be more sociable) because I watch t.v. all day and almost never have anyone to talk to. I asked her if she knew that I wasn't going to be in this season of Messengers, she said yes. I asked if she knew why, she said that Lotis had told her that it's because I have an attraction to Dave. I said it's that in a nutshell, then expanded on it by saying my not participating is a space-making issue and that Lotis said we'll "come back together in a few months and reassess where we are then". I didn't get a chance to say it's because Lotis is terrified for her precious ministry (the needs of the many....). This opened the 'appearance of inappropriateness' can of worms, Joy mentioned Ed by name. Apparently he has not been himself lately (this news coming from Lotis through Joy, so I don't know how much stock I can put in it), blowing off opportunities to fellowship with other Messengers, being curt with people, saying some inappropriate stuff to Dave's younger kids. None of this sounds like the Ed I know. I saw and talked to him earlier at church, I didn't notice anything off. But then, I don't know him that well and only see him once a week if that.

There could be logical reasons for all of what Joy says that Lotis says happened. Whatever he said to the kids (if he indeed did say it and Lotis isn't exaggerating) he may not have thought through what he was saying or realized the content was PG-13 before he said it. If they (again, Lotis) thought Ed was being curt, maybe he'd had a bad week. And is it so impossible to fathom that maybe Ed had other plans when everyone else wanted to get together for Grace's birthday on New Year's Eve? But like I said, I don't know Ed well. He professes to be a true Christian, but perhaps he's out doing things a Christian shouldn't and he doesn't like others messing in his business. My dad doesn't like that either.

So back to the can of worms. Joy says that especially because of this recent behavior I shouldn't be alone with Ed, even if it's just once a week for a ride home. First because I shouldn't tempt Ed to sinful thoughts or behaviors. Second, our church has this new policy about men not being alone with women for any reason 'to avoid the appearance of sin', even if there's no way in hell of anything at all. I think they're just being pissy and overprotective because it happened to one of their own right under their noses. One of the church's married elders had an inappropriate emotional (not physical) relationship with a woman. Last I heard he's been ejected from the church and 'advised' to get help.

Why not take it all the way and just have separate services, one for men and one for women. Split the church right down the middle. That way there'd be no chance for temptation. But then the church would have to hire on a woman pastor. But they won't do that because they don't approve of women pastors. This is is all taking on the appearance of stupidity. It'll get so that people are afraid to talk to each other for fear of it being misinterpreted and them being wrongly accused and also 'advised' to get help. It's one thing to teach women to be more modest around men, but are men really that out of control of themselves that cross-gender friendships can no longer be feasible? Gimme a break.

It just seems that what efforts I'm attempting at making friends are for naught. First Dave is yanked away from me, but only because I had to open my mouth (but I can take comfort in the fact that "it was the right thing to do"). Now my contact with Ed is being surreptitiously rationalized away. I'm feeling very isolated right now.

a change of reason, pt2

More in-depth on the All Night of Prayer and the rest of Sat.

On the way to the church I had a mini panic attack. Not even a 'what-if' situation, more like a 'what the hell are you doing?!' thing. It only lasted a minute and after that I switched to a 'go with it/I'm not really here (denial)' frame of mind.

(A little side note. Denial is my go-to, it got me through college with a minimum of breakdown and it's sometimes the only way I can take the bus to church on Sat. It helps me feel invincible for a time. I'm not out doing crazy dangerous stuff, but some of the neighborhoods I have to go through are rougher than I'd normally like.)

So after I and the two Messengers ladies I came with found empty chairs I settled in to participate. When we got there one of the pastors was up front speaking. Then everyone huddled in twos and threes and prayed for what he was speaking about. That was basically the way the whole meeting went, someone would give a short lesson or outline requests from a specific church program or group and back into the huddles we all would go. There were coffee-and breaks every 50 minutes or so to get up and stretch and refresh our minds. At the end (around 4:30a Sat morning) we all took communion and John gave a preview of that evening's message. Since the two ladies I'd come with had gone home already I got a ride home with Ed (big surprise, but I've resolved that from now on to not get more than one ride a week from him). We had a chat about motives, i.e. going to service just for John. Ed says he has that problem too, but that it's easier for him to focus on the sermon if he knows John will be there instead of wondering which service to attend at what location. That helped me feel not so bad.

Sat evening church was the capper. In the pre-service prayer group I felt a certain camaraderie with John because of the All Night Prayer. I was tired and I'm sure he was too, but in a good way since the skipping of sleep was for something so important, it was nice to know we had that in common. ("easy girl, this far no farther" yah, easy for you to say) One of the others in the prayer group asked John if we all could lay hands on him. My first thought was 'yeah, cool', my second thought was 'run!'. I was already up and moving towards John when the second report registered, but it did come through. So I tentatively put my hand on John's elbow and closed my eyes. I was concentrating so hard on trying to keep my balance and how much pressure to apply to his arm that I missed half of what everyone said. I did have time however to wonder if John noticed that I didn't pray.

Great, now instead of just assuming what others think of me, now I'm wondering. Is that progress?

After the service I got in line (yes, in line) to talk to John, something I never would have done even a week ago. We shook hands....and he didn't let go. Normally I don't like to be touched, but that base need that I have for contact is stronger than a psycho-emotional fear, so I made no move to take my hand away and he made no move to let it go. All the while he's smiling at me and I almost forgot what I'd planned to tell him. I thanked him for the sermon and told him that the previous evening's Prayer Night may have been the kick in the pants I needed. I said that I don't pray or read my bible and I wonder why I'm such a mess. He said something like "that's good" or "wonderful", I don't remember much other than he thanked me for the encouragement. I was close to tears but praying and praising all the way to the bus stop.

a change of reason, pt1

The whole point of this blog was so I could rant about all the crap in my life, 'poor me, I'm so miserable' kind of stuff. Lately I've had some very good things happen to me. I don't mean happy in a superficial, here today gone tomorrow way. This is deep, heart and soul happiness. In an earlier post ('do I dare?'-11/21/06) I said that I could talk a good Christian game but mostly it was bull, that I saw the whole living for Christ 'thing' as so much absurdity. Not anymore. Part of this change has to do with what happened on Fri the 5th and Sat the 6th. But all of what follows had the effect it did because Lotis finally told me (essentially gave me permission) to be more sociable. It loosened me up, made me more receptive.

In my Jan. 1 post I mentioned a Messengers' prayer meeting at Dave's. The day after posting I called Lotis, she said it was fine with her that I come but I should check with Renee to be sure. I called Renee and she said ok (and thanked me for asking). The meeting was Fri the 5th, and it went from 7p to around 11p. Dave was there of course, and I walked past him a couple times but I didn't make it a point to catch his eye. I say it's not a big deal and yet I can't help wondering if Dave and Renee talked about my behavior after everyone had gone home. Do they think I'm doing a better job? Do they talk about me at all? At least these questions don't take up the majority of my day anymore.

From 10:30p on Fri to 5a on Sat my church had an All Night of Prayer. I knew about this beforehand and had not planned to go for 3 reasons: 1)It was going till 5a and I didn't want to ride the bus home that early in the morning; 2)I would probably be the only one there not praying out loud (kind of a big thing in my church); and 3)I was afraid the only reason I'd be going would be to see and hear John Piper in a less formal setting. At the Messengers' meeting I took care of the ride problem and not praying aloud there made me comfortable enough to not worry about not praying aloud at church. As for the third reason, concerning motive, I figured that if I could keep my focus off Dave for a couple hours I could do the same with John, especially since there were more people at church than I thought.

So that was Fri and part of Sat, tomorrow I'll post more on the rest of Sat (the ride home and the evening service).

who's helping who?

I had an appointment with Doc. Sig. today. Mine was the last of the day, as it usually is, and I could tell he was tired. I asked if it had been a long day and he said something to the effect of, "I'm glad I get to see you last today." Judging by his tone of voice I took it as a complement, which became more solidified as the session went on.

You have to remember that I'm a listener, so the majority of my therapy appointments are spent listening to Doc. Sig. talk, throwing in an observation here or an affirmation there. Sometimes I get very fed up and frustrated that he's always talking and not pushing me to be more involved in the discussion. But tonight he told me a story about a big disappointment for him when he was around 6 or 8 years old involving a promise his dad was too busy to keep. As he's telling this story I'm thinking, "What does this have to do with me? I'm the one who's supposed to be sharing here." Then it occurred to me that if talking is what helps me, then him sharing this story is a good thing for him. Even though I'm sure he's over it by now, it never hurts to tell it again.

what I meant

I just reread my previous post and it sounds very disjointed, even to me. I was trying to write about two things in one post, the New Year's Eve get together and the upcoming prayer meeting at Dave's. I think I covered the get together fairly well. It was a small house so there was nowhere really to go, but I made a conscious effort to be around people instead of playing my Gameboy in a corner somewhere.

The group had a round of minute story telling (where everyone gets a minute to add on to a previous person's minute story) and thankfully I got to be the timer so I didn't have to stand up in front of the whole group and be spontaneous. During dinner everyone else talked and made comments on this or that, I just listened. After dinner on the way out, one of the cast members said she'd made a New Year's resolution for me. She said I have permission to butt into a conversation. I told her that if I have a comment I will say it instead of keeping silent. That will be hard for me for two reasons:

1) I'm a listener, I absorb information. To reverse the flow, as it were, and actually contribute to the conversation is difficult because I may see a connection that others wouldn't get. And because my mind is often going a mile a minute, I may not see that they may not get the point I'm trying to make. So I'd look like an idiot, offering some bit of trivia in what should be a serious discussion.

2) I DO NOT like looking like an idiot (I know, who does?). And because I have been living in my own head for so long, I will think that they think that about anything I say so I will be very tempted to keep my mouth shut. Right now I don't really know the difference between trivial 'sound bites' and true, meaningful conversation.

And then if I do open my mouth, there's that split second panic when everyone is looking at me awaiting my relevant comment.

Then there's the prayer meeting at Dave's. I didn't call Lotis today, that seemed a little eager to me. I'll call tomorrow. It'd be cool if she says yes, but I'm realistic about it. I'm just glad there's no beer in the apartment. If she says no I'd be tempted to drink four or five. I'd also be half-tempted to crash anyway, but the distance by bus alone is enough to discourage that even if I'd have four beers in me. Plus my dad will be home tomorrow, so I can rant/cry to him if I need to. He's cool that way.

My mind keeps trying to get into 'what if' but there's no use speculating. If she says yes, that's great. If she says no, I must remember that I did it to myself. Though I can't control how I feel, I can make the effort to have clear motives, or if not that then to make a choice to remove myself from an emotionally compromising situation where I would be lured into inappropriate motives. ('Yeah, like the pre-service prayer?' Yes, I know, I'm working on that.)

New Year's Eve/New Year's Day

I last posted on the 29th of Dec. Again, it feels like longer. My dad got back around midnight last night, I was with my mom and younger brother at our church's new year's eve service, a communion service.

Anywho....

After service Lotis came over and said that a few of the Messengers were going over to one particular lady's house (her name is Grace) because it was her (Grace's) birthday. So besides my mom, myself, my younger brother and Lotis, there were another four Messengers there, plus Grace's husband. It was a combination birthday, New Year's Eve, and Anniversary (Lotis and her husband) celebration. We had ham, veggies and onion dip, stuffed mushrooms, chips and nacho cheese dip, quesadillas, and strawberry punch, with a tiramisu cake for dessert. And no, I didn't disappear into a corner afterwards. It's not that I don't know how to be sociable, I just choose not to be because I suck at it. That old maxim about children being seen and not heard, in some way or other that was imprinted on me during my formative years and until now I have perfected its practice with the present result of excluding others from myself and myself from others.

So as the group was drifting out the door in ones and twos (at around three o'clock on the morning of the 1st), I came upon the knowledge that there is a Messengers prayer meeting scheduled for 7 pm on the 5th over at Dave's house. I briefly entertained the notion of crashing with no prior notice, but that would be completely detrimental to any progress I have made with Dave and Renee thus far. So tomorrow I will call Lotis (since it is a Messengers' meeting) and ask if I'm allowed to come or if she thinks I should continue to keep my distance. I will suggest she confer with Dave and Renee before she makes a decision either positive or negative. Hopefully they will be ok with me coming since it will be the whole group, though they may have a problem with me being in their home.