a change of reason, pt2

More in-depth on the All Night of Prayer and the rest of Sat.

On the way to the church I had a mini panic attack. Not even a 'what-if' situation, more like a 'what the hell are you doing?!' thing. It only lasted a minute and after that I switched to a 'go with it/I'm not really here (denial)' frame of mind.

(A little side note. Denial is my go-to, it got me through college with a minimum of breakdown and it's sometimes the only way I can take the bus to church on Sat. It helps me feel invincible for a time. I'm not out doing crazy dangerous stuff, but some of the neighborhoods I have to go through are rougher than I'd normally like.)

So after I and the two Messengers ladies I came with found empty chairs I settled in to participate. When we got there one of the pastors was up front speaking. Then everyone huddled in twos and threes and prayed for what he was speaking about. That was basically the way the whole meeting went, someone would give a short lesson or outline requests from a specific church program or group and back into the huddles we all would go. There were coffee-and breaks every 50 minutes or so to get up and stretch and refresh our minds. At the end (around 4:30a Sat morning) we all took communion and John gave a preview of that evening's message. Since the two ladies I'd come with had gone home already I got a ride home with Ed (big surprise, but I've resolved that from now on to not get more than one ride a week from him). We had a chat about motives, i.e. going to service just for John. Ed says he has that problem too, but that it's easier for him to focus on the sermon if he knows John will be there instead of wondering which service to attend at what location. That helped me feel not so bad.

Sat evening church was the capper. In the pre-service prayer group I felt a certain camaraderie with John because of the All Night Prayer. I was tired and I'm sure he was too, but in a good way since the skipping of sleep was for something so important, it was nice to know we had that in common. ("easy girl, this far no farther" yah, easy for you to say) One of the others in the prayer group asked John if we all could lay hands on him. My first thought was 'yeah, cool', my second thought was 'run!'. I was already up and moving towards John when the second report registered, but it did come through. So I tentatively put my hand on John's elbow and closed my eyes. I was concentrating so hard on trying to keep my balance and how much pressure to apply to his arm that I missed half of what everyone said. I did have time however to wonder if John noticed that I didn't pray.

Great, now instead of just assuming what others think of me, now I'm wondering. Is that progress?

After the service I got in line (yes, in line) to talk to John, something I never would have done even a week ago. We shook hands....and he didn't let go. Normally I don't like to be touched, but that base need that I have for contact is stronger than a psycho-emotional fear, so I made no move to take my hand away and he made no move to let it go. All the while he's smiling at me and I almost forgot what I'd planned to tell him. I thanked him for the sermon and told him that the previous evening's Prayer Night may have been the kick in the pants I needed. I said that I don't pray or read my bible and I wonder why I'm such a mess. He said something like "that's good" or "wonderful", I don't remember much other than he thanked me for the encouragement. I was close to tears but praying and praising all the way to the bus stop.