this is getting out of hand

Well, today was interesting and informative. I went to church as usual and was feeling so good in my newly re-found faith that I decided to try and re-reach out to the only Messenger near my age (whom I don't particularly like) in an attempt to do what Dave and Lotis suggested about finding women to hang out with. After the sermon I walked over with only the intention of saying hi, nice to see you. Her name is Joy, and she asked if I needed a ride home. I said yes (the temp outside tonight was in the teens) and then she asked if I wanted to accompany her to her nail appointment and then have supper at her place. I put my personal feelings aside in order to try and expand and improve myself. (It wasn't about free food. If I'm emotional uncomfortable I can't eat, like when Messengers (and I) came back from Canada in Spring of '06. After my first trip out of the country, forced to be more sociable than ever before, I wanted personal space. Lotis would have none of that and tried to force me to join the group. I got so agitated I couldn't eat for hours.)

After supper she asked if I wanted to watch t.v., I asked if we could just talk instead (again trying to be more sociable) because I watch t.v. all day and almost never have anyone to talk to. I asked her if she knew that I wasn't going to be in this season of Messengers, she said yes. I asked if she knew why, she said that Lotis had told her that it's because I have an attraction to Dave. I said it's that in a nutshell, then expanded on it by saying my not participating is a space-making issue and that Lotis said we'll "come back together in a few months and reassess where we are then". I didn't get a chance to say it's because Lotis is terrified for her precious ministry (the needs of the many....). This opened the 'appearance of inappropriateness' can of worms, Joy mentioned Ed by name. Apparently he has not been himself lately (this news coming from Lotis through Joy, so I don't know how much stock I can put in it), blowing off opportunities to fellowship with other Messengers, being curt with people, saying some inappropriate stuff to Dave's younger kids. None of this sounds like the Ed I know. I saw and talked to him earlier at church, I didn't notice anything off. But then, I don't know him that well and only see him once a week if that.

There could be logical reasons for all of what Joy says that Lotis says happened. Whatever he said to the kids (if he indeed did say it and Lotis isn't exaggerating) he may not have thought through what he was saying or realized the content was PG-13 before he said it. If they (again, Lotis) thought Ed was being curt, maybe he'd had a bad week. And is it so impossible to fathom that maybe Ed had other plans when everyone else wanted to get together for Grace's birthday on New Year's Eve? But like I said, I don't know Ed well. He professes to be a true Christian, but perhaps he's out doing things a Christian shouldn't and he doesn't like others messing in his business. My dad doesn't like that either.

So back to the can of worms. Joy says that especially because of this recent behavior I shouldn't be alone with Ed, even if it's just once a week for a ride home. First because I shouldn't tempt Ed to sinful thoughts or behaviors. Second, our church has this new policy about men not being alone with women for any reason 'to avoid the appearance of sin', even if there's no way in hell of anything at all. I think they're just being pissy and overprotective because it happened to one of their own right under their noses. One of the church's married elders had an inappropriate emotional (not physical) relationship with a woman. Last I heard he's been ejected from the church and 'advised' to get help.

Why not take it all the way and just have separate services, one for men and one for women. Split the church right down the middle. That way there'd be no chance for temptation. But then the church would have to hire on a woman pastor. But they won't do that because they don't approve of women pastors. This is is all taking on the appearance of stupidity. It'll get so that people are afraid to talk to each other for fear of it being misinterpreted and them being wrongly accused and also 'advised' to get help. It's one thing to teach women to be more modest around men, but are men really that out of control of themselves that cross-gender friendships can no longer be feasible? Gimme a break.

It just seems that what efforts I'm attempting at making friends are for naught. First Dave is yanked away from me, but only because I had to open my mouth (but I can take comfort in the fact that "it was the right thing to do"). Now my contact with Ed is being surreptitiously rationalized away. I'm feeling very isolated right now.