trapped in a self-imposed loop

My brain is turning to mush, I have no motivation to leave the apartment. My typical day consists of waking up around 10 in the morning, getting half dressed, playing my Gameboy or reading, and watching tv. Usually I would go out for a walk during the day, but it's been cold here and is supposed to get colder before the week is out.

The question that plagues me is 'why?'. Why get out of bed? Why get dressed? Why? Some may say getting out of the apartment is reason enough in itself. Ok, but then what? Go for a walk? Where? Wherever I go I have to come back here anyway, so why not save myself the trouble and just stay put?

Ugh,

-covers face with hands, shakes head-

I'm doomed, dooooomed!



.....sometime later.

Actually, today doesn't look bad. At least it's sunny out, though not necessarily warm. I think I will go out, even if I just stand outside the door to get some fresh air. Later, I'm off to freedom. :)

Saturday @ church

Well....

First off, when I got to church I washed the marker off my hands. I realized it was an immature attempt to act out and say 'look at me' without actually saying it. After my younger sister's multiple suicide attempts (nowhere near serious) I promised myself that I would never commit some half-assed stunt for attention. If I mean to do something, I'm going all the way. That's why I told Dave my motives instead of dropping hints here and there hoping he'd get it. I went to him instead of playing games and making him come to me. I've found that rarely works.

I got to church early, as always, but waited for Ed before going downstairs to the room where the group meets. I wanted someone to metaphorically hold my hand during this tense experience (though I highly doubt he was aware of anything more than me being nervous). At first there were only about five people there including Ed, his son and myself. Not wanting to appear too clingy to Ed I chose to put a chair between us instead of sitting right next to him. Then John walked in and took the empty seat, so he was sitting not ten inches from me.

When the 'prayer meeting' got underway, John started by outlining what he'd be talking about this evening. The title of his sermon was 'God Strengthens Us By The Gospel', quoting from Romans 16:25-27*, with his main focus on the first half of verse 25, "Now to Him (meaning God) who is able to strengthen you (meaning us)....". He said he'd go over what that meant for men, women, boys and girls. When he mentioned women he looked at me, the only woman in the room at this point. I didn't exactly look back at him, more at his ear. I know it's a self-esteem issue, not being able to look people in the eyes, but I'm working on it. I'd just rather not start with the most revered man in my limited social circle right now. Almost everyone in the group prayed, John prayed twice plus a closing prayer. At the end the group didn't actually lay hands on John, which turned out to be fine. If I'd been allowed to touch John he probably would've felt my arm shaking I would have been so nervous/giddy.

Afterwards the group filed out, most of us heading up to the sanctuary for John's sermon. I found the problem with going to the prayer group, the first three pews of the sanctuary are almost packed so I had to slide past/walk on people to get a good seat. The thing is I didn't mind. Even when I lost my balance and practically fell in this guy's lap, I didn't care. I guess being that close to John took most of the social fear out of me for the night. Maybe I should go more often.

P.S. I stopped by Dave's to reclaim a Gameboy game I lent to his son (yes, half hoping Dave would answer the door). But he was nowhere in sight.

-was that a sigh of relief or disappointment?-

P.P.S. I did get a ride home from Ed, but only because he offered. It would've been rude to refuse.



*Read more at
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/

They should have tonight's sermon up by Mon.

It's Thanksgiving. Be happy, dammit!

Happy Thanksgiving to my U.S. readers. I spent the day at my cousin's with my dad, aunt, grandma, older sister and nieces. We had turkey and ham, sweet potatoes, cornbread stuffing, cranberry sauce, and an apple caramel cake for dessert. My cousin has cable, so after watching the Miami vs. Detroit game I got to watch Animal Planet for four hours.

This morning when I woke up I thought for a brief second about going over to Dave's, but he's probably out in Missouri with the extended family. I knew John would be home because he said his family hasn't missed our church's Thanksgiving day service in something like 12 years. But then reality clicked back into place with 'Thanksgiving is a day for family. You are not a member of either of theirs, hence you have NO reason to be anywhere near them today.' Reluctantly I agreed.

So, until Saturday then.

edgy, for multiple reasons

Janne hasn't called, he hasn't emailed, hasn't IM'd. Color me a little worried (holds index and thumb a quarter-inch apart). This is not obsessive thinking here, I haven't been flooding him with IM's and emails. It's just that about a week ago he told me he'd call to further finalize bus and plane tickets, but so far he hasn't called. I told Janne that I don't like leaving at the last minute and dropping it in my dad's lap as I walk out the door. "By the way Dad, I'm going to Sweden for a couple weeks." It's going to be hard enough to drop any plans I have made with people with no intention of keeping.

In other news....

What other news? The only other thing on my mind is Dave. Not for reconciliation, I've resigned myself to 'limited contact'. But sometimes I just want to scream in Dave's face, "You wanted space, I gave you space. So what the fuck else do I have to do?" I just want to know that he doesn't resent me.

On the one hand I want to grovel at his feet and repeat over and over, 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...'. I want to get on my knees and beg to be forgiven for overstepping my bounds. On the other hand, "Fuck you, Dave." jumps to mind and I would like nothing more than to punch him.

It's probably a good thing Dave got out when he did. He saw the tip of the iceberg, a sliver of obsession fueled by Absent Father Syndrome. I've been diagnosed with depression (but who hasn't nowadays), the obsessional tendencies, some sadistic behavior (with pets), and a wicked bad temper if you hit the right button, usually if I'm forcibly pushed out of my comfort zone. I've also noticed a dark hole, it might (poetically) be called a blackness of the soul. This is something that has developed, you could even say it's been nurtured, over many years. I wrote about it briefly in my journal, describing it as "a cool detachment I fall back on when I don't want to deal with whatever's going on right then," be it a large and unfamiliar crowd or someone trying to pry into my personal business.

This Sat when I shall risk emotional life and limb for a chance at close proximity to John Piper, I'm thinking of the possible stirring up of quite a fuss. Now don't ask me why, but lately I've taken to marking the backs of my hands with the astrological symbols for Aquarius and Capricorn, the two signs of which I could be either. Need I remind you all that this is a Baptist church that takes the Bible as THE word of God in all things blah, blah, blah? I don't know how keen they'd be about having their pastor prayed over by someone with astrology affiliations, however small. Well, I figure if I can take the personal emotional leap of being in the same room with John, then I can take a chance on getting kicked out for expressing myself.

Also, and this has more to do with my self-image, I will not be asking Ed for a ride. I think four Saturdays in a row is pushing it. I do see this not asking as a lame attempt to lure Ed into a conversation about my self-worth, looking to him for validation, but if he doesn't say anything I'll be just as content taking the bus home. By Sat nite I'll have convinced myself that I deserve no better.

do I dare?

Every Sat nite before service (as well as several times during the week) the elders of my church, and anyone else who wants to, participate in a pre-service time of prayer. This past Sat after church when I got a ride home from Ed, he asked why I don't join them for prayer. Knowing he would ask sooner or later I had thought it through carefully (which has never failed me in the past, right?) in order to give a believable, if not entirely honest, answer.

First off you should know that John Piper is head pastor of my church. This may not mean a lot to some but I'm sure others are gasping, 'No way, THE John Piper?!' My thoughts exactly. He's considered by many to be a great biblical scholar and preacher. I've been sitting under his teaching since I was a babe and have a very deep awe of the man. Unfortunately I have a hard time seeing him as a mere man, but instead as The Great John Piper shepherding a flock of thousands. (Cue the trumpets.)

He'd probably be mortified to know I once considered him on par with God (back when I didn't know much about either one). It goes back to the opinion I have of myself, then put that up against this Biblical icon (John, not God) that I have revered and respected for the majority of my lifetime. I feel completely unworthy to stand in John's presence, but this I did not tell Ed. I told him that the reason I don't join the pre-service prayer group, which John Piper invariably attends, is because I would be there for the wrong reasons. I would be so busy listening to John talk instead of hearing what he'd be saying. I'd get caught up in the nuances of his speech, the slight southern twang in his voice, the words in his vocabulary and how they differ from mine. I would completely miss the point of being there, which would be to petition God for grace and mercy through his son Jesus Christ in order to sustain John and his message to the ultimate glory of God.

-pauses to suppress giggles-

I talk a good game but most of the time it's bullshit. What can I say, I was practically deluged as a kid and now I find it all a bit silly. That's the other side of 'the wrong reasons'. I wouldn't be going there to be supportive of John's ministry, but just for the chance to be in close proximity to him.

I must tread carefully, my obsession is beginning to show.....ah, fuck it.

Since this past Sat (even before writing this) I have convinced myself that, yes, I will go, and for the exact reasons stated above. At this point I don't really give a fuck about the reasoning behind it. I want to see John from closer than 15 feet, hear his voice without a microphoned echo, be close enough to smell his aftershave. Ed said that after the general prayers, everyone lays hands on John to pray specifically for him. Oooooh, goody.

Let them think what they will about the whys behind my presence, I'll never tell.

in expectation of....what?

In March of 05' I started having an online conversation with a man, his name is Janne (like John but not quite), in Sweden. We met at an online alternative dating site and started exchanging on-site emails. Over the next few months this progressed into emails separate from the site, then to phone calls. This went on until Sept when my mother decided she'd had enough of trying to change my dad and kicked him out of the apartment. Being the loyalist that I am (and beginning to see my mother for the control freak she is) I decided to go with him. I have never made a better decision, by the way.

So there we were, my dad and I, in a new place with no cable or video games or internet. It was almost eleven months before we got an internet hookup (boy did I have email stacked up) and I was able to resume my correspondence with Janne. Over the months this has evolved into a potentially romantic relationship. I don't know for sure because we've never met face to face, a problem we were close to rectifying before the transplant and now are closer to than ever. Hopefully within the next couple weeks I will be flying to Sweden for two weeks and we'll see where it goes from there.

Now, to the title of this post. Even before now I've had this anticipation of something big. Something looming on the horizon that I'm being drawn towards, something potentially life changing. Going to a foreign country for a relationship with a guy I've never met could turn out very good or very bad (ever seen the movie Human Trafficking?), but if you've read my previous posts you know that my life is more oyster than pearl. I'm pretty much at the end of my rope and willing to take the chance. My opinion of myself is so low that becoming a trafficked prostitute would be a step up, or at least a change of pace that would break the grey fog of monotony my life has become.

But anyway, back to that sense of expectation. My point is if this isn't it, if Janne is legit but sends me home saying that this isn't what he's looking for, what do I do then? Get a job flipping burgers? Tour the clubs looking for one night stands? (Remember, I'm not a shallow person. Never have been, never will be.) This has been my goal for almost a year now, before which I had none. If this doesn't work out, where can I pin my compass on North? My therapist often asks me what I'll do if this doesn't work, and I've never been able to answer him because I don't know. I can't see past going to Sweden because it is such a potentially life altering event and I can't base decisions off of an unknown possibility. I don't know what the answer will be and so I won't know what to do next until I have a prompt in direction.

If (big if) everything is legit and Janne says it can work, great. I come back to the states to tie up loose ends and pack a few things and then back to Sweden. If things are not as they seem and I end up serving in some den of sodomy, that's the chance I took knowing full well what could happen. If it's legit but Janne says 'thanx, but no' then I come home with a big metaphorical rejection slip tacked to my forehead....and I have a half-formed maybe of a plan. If this latter is how it all goes, then so much the better that I haven't been able to get in touch with Bill. 'A dish best served cold.' and all that.

contemplation/revelation

Saturday was, what, 5 days ago? It feels like so much longer. Not a whisper, not a hint from Dave. And why should there be. He probably doesn't know what to do with me now, has written me off as unstable and is acutely aware of how people would misconstrue our being in any kind of proximity to each other. That's not a good feeling even when it doesn't involve inappropriate familiarity, the feeling that people are watching you and judging your every word and gesture.

I'm sorry I did this to you, Dave. I'd rather you not have to carry that responsibility of being overly aware that you must be cautious in what you say and do. Not that you shouldn't, but that you shouldn't have to be constantly aware of it. It's painful when such an innocent thing as a handshake or a hug hello is transformed into 'inappropriate'. I did that. I was lonely for a friend, but I was stupid and naive and it cost us both.

There were misunderstandings on both our parts, as I've said before. But even if things had gone according to what I'd thought, the end result would still be the same. So it's unfair of me to blame you and say "You were supposed to understand." As much as I thought I'd meticulously planned this out, I can't control what you think or how you reacted. I thought I knew you well enough (boy was I wrong) and I forget that what sounds rational in my own mind is often the farthest from 'normal'. It's hard to stay within the realm of rational when my (ex) best friend won't/can't talk to me. But it's worse to know that it's my own fault.

I was aware, as much as is possible, of my intentions. I thought you were also, but that was just my misreading of your well-meant intentions. I see now that I pulled a sneak attack. I highly doubt you were totally ignorant of the possible ramifications of the misperceptions (or not) of others, but I don't think you had any idea what you were in for, the depth of my problem and my ill-fated, off-road tactics at what I perceived to be a solution.

All this is to say that I'm sorry you got dragged into the confusion and sometimes contradiction that is me. I'm sorry (for both of us) that I have such difficulty being just friends.

a poem

I subscribe to Writer's Almanac, an online publication of Minnesota Public Radio (I think). It's a daily publication with poems and interesting events like the birthdays and lives of semi-celebrities, usually authors. In one of these I read a poem that almost nails what I feel now when I look at Dave (or rather when he looks at me).

My apologies to any copyrights I'm most likely infringing on.
Please don't sue me.



Anger

I killed the bee for no reason except that it was there and you were
watching, disapproving,
which made what I would do much worse but I was angry with
you anyway and so I put my foot on it,
leaned on it, tested how much I'd need to make that resilient,
resisting cartridge give way
and crack! abruptly, shockingly it did give way and you turned
sharply and sharply now
I felt myself balanced in your eyes—why should I feel myself so
balanced always in your eyes;
isn't just this half the reason for my rage, these tendencies of
yours, susceptibilities of mine?—
and "Why?" your eyes said, "Why?" and even as mine sent back my
answer, "None of your affair,"
I knew that I was being once again, twice now, weighed, and this
time anyway found wanting.

– C.K. Williams




If 'bee' is replaced with 'friendship' it all fits so well. Especially those last two lines.

' "Why?" your eyes said, "Why?" '
' I knew that I was being once again, twice now, weighed, and this
          time anyway found wanting. '

Every time Dave sees me now he's probably wondering why, why I did what I did (not just the collecting but also why I had to tell him). You know, I've been wondering the same thing.

Dave, I don't want to be found wanting in your estimation of me.

valuable info

My dad and I had a chat yesterday and, come to find out, Dave did in fact talk to my dad about my recent behavior. The reason my dad did not previously discuss said conversation with me was because he doesn't like to push me to talk, he'd rather I go to him. Also because Dave suggested he not confront me about it (hopefully with the same idea that I should be the one to make first contact).

My dad says that Dave's impression of the 'romantic' aspect of my obsession with him was indeed along the lines of marriage. I believe the words I used in my 10/16 entry were 'Dear God, no'. In all my naive fantasies I never considered marriage a possibility because it isn't. Dave is married and has six kids. He has a job and a life of his own, had one long before I came along. He's a Christian in the truest sense with solid, Bible based morals. Also, it would be far bolder than I'm capable of for me to presume he'd be crazy (or stupid) enough to give all that up for me. There's just no way in hell, given the kind of person I've come to know that Dave is, that anything like that would be possible.

But apparently Dave didn't see it that way. In our last conversation Dave said the problem wasn't that those things couldn't happen, but that they shouldn't. This is where Dave's ideas clash with the therapeutic advice I've gotten from Doc. Sig. This statement of Dave's implies that the expectations and feelings I have for him are wrong. Doc. Sig. has told me again and again that they are only wrong when applied, so it's ok for me to want Dave for my dad as long as I don't make an outward effort to bring that to fruition (like invasion of personal space or privacy, which I did with my collection).

So bottom line, I screwed up big time, but I'm sure you already figured that out. Dad said he'll try and explain some of this to Dave the next time they meet over coffee. But he said still no guarantees.

an interesting turn of events

Yesterday, Saturday, turned into an interesting day real quick.

After church yesterday evening I found my way to Ed because he said he'd give me a ride home. He then informed me that he and a friend of his had to take an exam for some church class they have, but that I could go with Ed's son Ben who was headed over to hang out with Dave's kids. Ed said he would be by later and then give me a ride home from there. I was hesitant since Dave's whole family is part of my 'problem' as Dave sees it, but figured it was ok since, last I'd heard, Dave was in the Philippines.

So as the whole group (Ben, me, my younger brother Matthew, the four youngest of Dave's kids, and the niece of Messengers' director) walked to the van Ben was driving (which is actually Dave's) I find out that, lo and behold, Dave is not in the Philippines. He ended up not going because of work schedule conflicts. So all the way back to Dave's I'm debating on telling Ben that I may not be welcome in Dave's house and could he please drive me home. By the time Ben parked at the curb at Dave's, though, I had resolved to see what Dave's reaction to my being there was before I made any rash decisions.

After Ben parked and everyone had piled out, I came around the back of the van and there's Dave coming up the walk to the house. I dropped my gaze so fast you'd have thought I'd seen a $100 bill on the ground. I wanted to crawl under the van, so afraid was I that Dave would rebuke me right there. I didn't make a move to go into the house until Dave had disappeared inside, and even then I did a physical double-take at the doorway because I was so sure that Dave wouldn't want me there.

Once inside I stayed out of sight until dinner, at which point I ended up directly across the table from Dave through no plan of my own (if I'd had my way I would've eaten on the stairway to the second floor, which is the farthest you can get from the dining room without being outside). At first while I was eating my head was so low that my chin was practically resting on the table and I kept my eyes on my food, but as the meal progressed (with no negative comment or body language from Dave) I became more relaxed and able to enjoy the evening a bit. It was actually a lot like the Messenger meetings with practically no interaction between Dave and I, no words exchanged and no eye contact that I can recall.

Renee isn't supposed to be home until Thur (but then Dave wasn't supposed to be home until then either) and I'm thinking of going over there on Mon and demanding that Dave and I need to talk. They say fortune favors the bold, I just wish I didn't get a weak feeling in my knees and stomach whenever Dave looks at me.

dumber than....

You would think I'd learn my lesson. I haven't screwed up with Ed, not yet anyway. But the first draft of this post began with me venting some of those vengeful fantasies I was talking about at the end of my 10/20 entry. I can't seem to get it through my thick skull that what builds up in my mental processes is not to leave my head under any circumstances whatsoever.

I realize that, with all the blogs out in the ether, how many people are there that actually read mine? But it would only take one to alert 'the proper authorities' or 'the men in white coats'. It would have been fine ten years ago, but it gets complicated when you're an adult. Besides, my sister has been on the inside of the mental care system and I don't need to go there, thank you very much.

But anyway, tomorrow is church. I'm getting a ride home with Ed, NO talking about my problems (my horoscope says so), but it'll be nice to just hang out.

keeping busy

It's a good thing Dave is out of the country (he's in Manila, Philippines doing 'meet 'n' greets' with churches for the Messengers' trip there next year) because I am jonesing for someone to talk to. I debated on talking with Ed, but that kind of thinking is what got me in this situation with Dave in the first place, and my next appointment with Doc. Sig., my therapist, isn't for another week and a half. Ack, I just have to keep my mind off it. Which is hard to do when the only social life I had was Messengers. Now the only thing I can look forward to in my week is Sat. church.

I've been going to that church since I was about 8 years old, have been through all the kid's Sunday school classes, preteen girls groups, Jr. and Sr. High youth group (with their innumerable retreats), as well as a few adult small groups. I grew up in that church, it's very much a second home. I feel safe and secure there even with its big crowds of recognizable faces to which very few can place names. It's been one of the constants in a life that feels directionless and I have a lot of memories tied to that church, some bad, but very many good ones too. That's part of the reason I end up there two hours early when I take the bus in. I'd rather be doing nothing there than doing nothing at home.

I think I'll call Ed for a ride to church (he's offered before) and gauge if the situation would be conducive to a talk. I'd just have to pick and choose my words extremely carefully if we do talk. And whatever I do, DO NOT mention the word obsession.

beer and nutroll thoughts

Right now I'm sitting at my computer drinking a beer and eating a salted nutroll. It's a good combination for pondering all the shortcomings of myself and others in my pathetic life. (Sorry for that bit of bitching there.)

Messengers is over and done until spring when we (they) start up on a different production. I doubt I'll be participating because said production is "training" for when the Messengers go to Manila, Philippines in fall of '07. So I think this was it for me, no more surrogate family, no more opportunities with Dave. Ed and I will probably still be in contact because I've been semi-editing a novella he's writing. But, as with Dave, I have to keep my distance and let Ed make the contact instead of me going to him.

Still no contact with Bill, which is starting to look very much like a good thing. As long as I keep this new sense of detachment I've acquired and not get overly emotional and nostalgic when/if I do talk with him, I'll be fine.

Yeah, right, fine.

the Twilight Zone

These past couple days have been weird for the simple reason that it always feels like it should be later than it actually is. I'm sure you're thinking,"Duh, we just had a Daylight Savings reset." That would be fine for an hour, maybe two. But I'm talking about it's 11 AM and it feels more like 4 in the afternoon. Or it's 3 PM and it literally feels as if time has stopped, like 8 PM will never get here.

It might have to do with the change in seasons, or maybe it's just my brain in process of resetting itself. I hope it hurries up and gets done. Too much of this can make one go loopy, and I really don't need the extra help right now. The only way I can describe this feeling is it's as if I've lost the hours, but they haven't even happened yet. My brain seems to be getting ahead of itself, then slamming on the brakes. Not a fun feeling, almost paranoid in its aspects.

But enough of that. Tomorrow, Friday. I only have to get through tomorrow (repeats repeatedly to self). Then rehearsal, then our final performance with cast party to follow (which reminds me, I need to pick up some pop!).