do I dare?

Every Sat nite before service (as well as several times during the week) the elders of my church, and anyone else who wants to, participate in a pre-service time of prayer. This past Sat after church when I got a ride home from Ed, he asked why I don't join them for prayer. Knowing he would ask sooner or later I had thought it through carefully (which has never failed me in the past, right?) in order to give a believable, if not entirely honest, answer.

First off you should know that John Piper is head pastor of my church. This may not mean a lot to some but I'm sure others are gasping, 'No way, THE John Piper?!' My thoughts exactly. He's considered by many to be a great biblical scholar and preacher. I've been sitting under his teaching since I was a babe and have a very deep awe of the man. Unfortunately I have a hard time seeing him as a mere man, but instead as The Great John Piper shepherding a flock of thousands. (Cue the trumpets.)

He'd probably be mortified to know I once considered him on par with God (back when I didn't know much about either one). It goes back to the opinion I have of myself, then put that up against this Biblical icon (John, not God) that I have revered and respected for the majority of my lifetime. I feel completely unworthy to stand in John's presence, but this I did not tell Ed. I told him that the reason I don't join the pre-service prayer group, which John Piper invariably attends, is because I would be there for the wrong reasons. I would be so busy listening to John talk instead of hearing what he'd be saying. I'd get caught up in the nuances of his speech, the slight southern twang in his voice, the words in his vocabulary and how they differ from mine. I would completely miss the point of being there, which would be to petition God for grace and mercy through his son Jesus Christ in order to sustain John and his message to the ultimate glory of God.

-pauses to suppress giggles-

I talk a good game but most of the time it's bullshit. What can I say, I was practically deluged as a kid and now I find it all a bit silly. That's the other side of 'the wrong reasons'. I wouldn't be going there to be supportive of John's ministry, but just for the chance to be in close proximity to him.

I must tread carefully, my obsession is beginning to show.....ah, fuck it.

Since this past Sat (even before writing this) I have convinced myself that, yes, I will go, and for the exact reasons stated above. At this point I don't really give a fuck about the reasoning behind it. I want to see John from closer than 15 feet, hear his voice without a microphoned echo, be close enough to smell his aftershave. Ed said that after the general prayers, everyone lays hands on John to pray specifically for him. Oooooh, goody.

Let them think what they will about the whys behind my presence, I'll never tell.