Saturday @ church

Well....

First off, when I got to church I washed the marker off my hands. I realized it was an immature attempt to act out and say 'look at me' without actually saying it. After my younger sister's multiple suicide attempts (nowhere near serious) I promised myself that I would never commit some half-assed stunt for attention. If I mean to do something, I'm going all the way. That's why I told Dave my motives instead of dropping hints here and there hoping he'd get it. I went to him instead of playing games and making him come to me. I've found that rarely works.

I got to church early, as always, but waited for Ed before going downstairs to the room where the group meets. I wanted someone to metaphorically hold my hand during this tense experience (though I highly doubt he was aware of anything more than me being nervous). At first there were only about five people there including Ed, his son and myself. Not wanting to appear too clingy to Ed I chose to put a chair between us instead of sitting right next to him. Then John walked in and took the empty seat, so he was sitting not ten inches from me.

When the 'prayer meeting' got underway, John started by outlining what he'd be talking about this evening. The title of his sermon was 'God Strengthens Us By The Gospel', quoting from Romans 16:25-27*, with his main focus on the first half of verse 25, "Now to Him (meaning God) who is able to strengthen you (meaning us)....". He said he'd go over what that meant for men, women, boys and girls. When he mentioned women he looked at me, the only woman in the room at this point. I didn't exactly look back at him, more at his ear. I know it's a self-esteem issue, not being able to look people in the eyes, but I'm working on it. I'd just rather not start with the most revered man in my limited social circle right now. Almost everyone in the group prayed, John prayed twice plus a closing prayer. At the end the group didn't actually lay hands on John, which turned out to be fine. If I'd been allowed to touch John he probably would've felt my arm shaking I would have been so nervous/giddy.

Afterwards the group filed out, most of us heading up to the sanctuary for John's sermon. I found the problem with going to the prayer group, the first three pews of the sanctuary are almost packed so I had to slide past/walk on people to get a good seat. The thing is I didn't mind. Even when I lost my balance and practically fell in this guy's lap, I didn't care. I guess being that close to John took most of the social fear out of me for the night. Maybe I should go more often.

P.S. I stopped by Dave's to reclaim a Gameboy game I lent to his son (yes, half hoping Dave would answer the door). But he was nowhere in sight.

-was that a sigh of relief or disappointment?-

P.P.S. I did get a ride home from Ed, but only because he offered. It would've been rude to refuse.



*Read more at
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/

They should have tonight's sermon up by Mon.