edgy, for multiple reasons

Janne hasn't called, he hasn't emailed, hasn't IM'd. Color me a little worried (holds index and thumb a quarter-inch apart). This is not obsessive thinking here, I haven't been flooding him with IM's and emails. It's just that about a week ago he told me he'd call to further finalize bus and plane tickets, but so far he hasn't called. I told Janne that I don't like leaving at the last minute and dropping it in my dad's lap as I walk out the door. "By the way Dad, I'm going to Sweden for a couple weeks." It's going to be hard enough to drop any plans I have made with people with no intention of keeping.

In other news....

What other news? The only other thing on my mind is Dave. Not for reconciliation, I've resigned myself to 'limited contact'. But sometimes I just want to scream in Dave's face, "You wanted space, I gave you space. So what the fuck else do I have to do?" I just want to know that he doesn't resent me.

On the one hand I want to grovel at his feet and repeat over and over, 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...'. I want to get on my knees and beg to be forgiven for overstepping my bounds. On the other hand, "Fuck you, Dave." jumps to mind and I would like nothing more than to punch him.

It's probably a good thing Dave got out when he did. He saw the tip of the iceberg, a sliver of obsession fueled by Absent Father Syndrome. I've been diagnosed with depression (but who hasn't nowadays), the obsessional tendencies, some sadistic behavior (with pets), and a wicked bad temper if you hit the right button, usually if I'm forcibly pushed out of my comfort zone. I've also noticed a dark hole, it might (poetically) be called a blackness of the soul. This is something that has developed, you could even say it's been nurtured, over many years. I wrote about it briefly in my journal, describing it as "a cool detachment I fall back on when I don't want to deal with whatever's going on right then," be it a large and unfamiliar crowd or someone trying to pry into my personal business.

This Sat when I shall risk emotional life and limb for a chance at close proximity to John Piper, I'm thinking of the possible stirring up of quite a fuss. Now don't ask me why, but lately I've taken to marking the backs of my hands with the astrological symbols for Aquarius and Capricorn, the two signs of which I could be either. Need I remind you all that this is a Baptist church that takes the Bible as THE word of God in all things blah, blah, blah? I don't know how keen they'd be about having their pastor prayed over by someone with astrology affiliations, however small. Well, I figure if I can take the personal emotional leap of being in the same room with John, then I can take a chance on getting kicked out for expressing myself.

Also, and this has more to do with my self-image, I will not be asking Ed for a ride. I think four Saturdays in a row is pushing it. I do see this not asking as a lame attempt to lure Ed into a conversation about my self-worth, looking to him for validation, but if he doesn't say anything I'll be just as content taking the bus home. By Sat nite I'll have convinced myself that I deserve no better.