contemplation/revelation

Saturday was, what, 5 days ago? It feels like so much longer. Not a whisper, not a hint from Dave. And why should there be. He probably doesn't know what to do with me now, has written me off as unstable and is acutely aware of how people would misconstrue our being in any kind of proximity to each other. That's not a good feeling even when it doesn't involve inappropriate familiarity, the feeling that people are watching you and judging your every word and gesture.

I'm sorry I did this to you, Dave. I'd rather you not have to carry that responsibility of being overly aware that you must be cautious in what you say and do. Not that you shouldn't, but that you shouldn't have to be constantly aware of it. It's painful when such an innocent thing as a handshake or a hug hello is transformed into 'inappropriate'. I did that. I was lonely for a friend, but I was stupid and naive and it cost us both.

There were misunderstandings on both our parts, as I've said before. But even if things had gone according to what I'd thought, the end result would still be the same. So it's unfair of me to blame you and say "You were supposed to understand." As much as I thought I'd meticulously planned this out, I can't control what you think or how you reacted. I thought I knew you well enough (boy was I wrong) and I forget that what sounds rational in my own mind is often the farthest from 'normal'. It's hard to stay within the realm of rational when my (ex) best friend won't/can't talk to me. But it's worse to know that it's my own fault.

I was aware, as much as is possible, of my intentions. I thought you were also, but that was just my misreading of your well-meant intentions. I see now that I pulled a sneak attack. I highly doubt you were totally ignorant of the possible ramifications of the misperceptions (or not) of others, but I don't think you had any idea what you were in for, the depth of my problem and my ill-fated, off-road tactics at what I perceived to be a solution.

All this is to say that I'm sorry you got dragged into the confusion and sometimes contradiction that is me. I'm sorry (for both of us) that I have such difficulty being just friends.