in expectation of....what?

In March of 05' I started having an online conversation with a man, his name is Janne (like John but not quite), in Sweden. We met at an online alternative dating site and started exchanging on-site emails. Over the next few months this progressed into emails separate from the site, then to phone calls. This went on until Sept when my mother decided she'd had enough of trying to change my dad and kicked him out of the apartment. Being the loyalist that I am (and beginning to see my mother for the control freak she is) I decided to go with him. I have never made a better decision, by the way.

So there we were, my dad and I, in a new place with no cable or video games or internet. It was almost eleven months before we got an internet hookup (boy did I have email stacked up) and I was able to resume my correspondence with Janne. Over the months this has evolved into a potentially romantic relationship. I don't know for sure because we've never met face to face, a problem we were close to rectifying before the transplant and now are closer to than ever. Hopefully within the next couple weeks I will be flying to Sweden for two weeks and we'll see where it goes from there.

Now, to the title of this post. Even before now I've had this anticipation of something big. Something looming on the horizon that I'm being drawn towards, something potentially life changing. Going to a foreign country for a relationship with a guy I've never met could turn out very good or very bad (ever seen the movie Human Trafficking?), but if you've read my previous posts you know that my life is more oyster than pearl. I'm pretty much at the end of my rope and willing to take the chance. My opinion of myself is so low that becoming a trafficked prostitute would be a step up, or at least a change of pace that would break the grey fog of monotony my life has become.

But anyway, back to that sense of expectation. My point is if this isn't it, if Janne is legit but sends me home saying that this isn't what he's looking for, what do I do then? Get a job flipping burgers? Tour the clubs looking for one night stands? (Remember, I'm not a shallow person. Never have been, never will be.) This has been my goal for almost a year now, before which I had none. If this doesn't work out, where can I pin my compass on North? My therapist often asks me what I'll do if this doesn't work, and I've never been able to answer him because I don't know. I can't see past going to Sweden because it is such a potentially life altering event and I can't base decisions off of an unknown possibility. I don't know what the answer will be and so I won't know what to do next until I have a prompt in direction.

If (big if) everything is legit and Janne says it can work, great. I come back to the states to tie up loose ends and pack a few things and then back to Sweden. If things are not as they seem and I end up serving in some den of sodomy, that's the chance I took knowing full well what could happen. If it's legit but Janne says 'thanx, but no' then I come home with a big metaphorical rejection slip tacked to my forehead....and I have a half-formed maybe of a plan. If this latter is how it all goes, then so much the better that I haven't been able to get in touch with Bill. 'A dish best served cold.' and all that.