there's a mental short somewhere

I've been reading Garrison Keillor's somewhat weekly newspaper column online (see link to the right) for about an hour. I had to stop, it was making me sad. Not the content but the thought of not being able, perhaps ever, to meet him. I'm sure you've heard the phrase 'So close and yet so far away.' That is what this is exactly.

Mr. Keillor lives in St. Paul, MN, which is one half of what is known as the Twin Cities, Minneapolis and St. Paul (St. Paul being the capitol). I'm sure I could do the obsessive, unstable thing and Google his home address then take a bus and try and find it (though I believe he's in New York just now). But the other thing is, if Dave makes me simply nervous, I would be struck immobile and speechless to boot if I came across Mr. Keillor even intentionally. I can't help it, I seem to be hardwired to expect reprimand from those I most respect, especially if I feel delinquent, even with no real basis.

If I had a job I would buy the equivalent of season tickets to his live performance/broadcast of A Prairie Home Companion in St. Paul every Sat. I've written before that Keillor's show is on at practically the same time as Sat church service. Right now I've sacrificed Keillor for Piper because I can see Piper live. But if the situation was reversed and I could see Keillor live nearly every Sat, let's just say that my spiritual life would suffer even more than it does now.

gone again

At 4:30 AM Tuesday morning, the day after christmas, my dad left for work. He had to be there by 5 to drive a charter coach down to Florida. He's taking a highschool basketball team down to somewhere near Miami to play three games. He'll be gone until 10 or 11 o'clock on Sunday evening. So here I am by myself again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I love my dad and he loves his work (though not always the higher-ups he has to work for) and I'm happy that he's happy. But Sunday?! That's a long time to be alone with my thoughts, very few of which in any way resemble anything good. Luckily I have christmas gifts to keep me occupied, at least until Sat church.

Every single Sat I go through the same emotional routine, wondering about my motives and if I should continue to attend in spite of them. Should I follow my gut and stay, hoping I can fix it (me) as I go? Or should I follow the logical 'right' thing to do and leave until I can sort myself out? I did the 'right thing' with Dave and look what happened there. Right now, the closest company I keep at church is the pre-service prayer group. Like I said before, if certain someones learned of my motives (which some nights are near non-existent), they couldn't kick me out of church, but I would become even more of an outsider. I could be asked to stay away from all but the service, maybe even try and find another church, and definitely to seek help.

P.S.
There's a song 'Stained Glass Masquerade' by Casting Crowns that I have recently discovered. Fits me perfectly.




'Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small'

'Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong'

'So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them'

(chorus)
'Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade'

'Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage'

'The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart'

'But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be'

'Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay'

(repeat chorusx2)

'But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade'

'Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small'

a good (but not great) christmas

A quick note on Christmas eve:

There were two services at my church, one at 4:30 for families with little kids or folks who didn't want to stay up late, and the traditional one at 10:45. My dad and I picked up my younger brother Matthew and we all went to both. Just before the 4:30 service started, we were in the balcony, and Matthew commented that Dave was sitting below us. I was thinking, 'Good, he can stay down there.' He didn't. I don't know if he saw us, but I looked to my left a few minutes later and there he was with three of his kids. After the service my dad, brother and I had to walk past him and his to leave the sanctuary, and Matthew knows nothing of the situation so he was gung-ho to say hi to Dave before he got away. Dave said hi to me, I said hi back, no big deal. Then Dave and my dad got to talking, Dave saying they needed to get together over coffee soon. My dad was noncommittal, he too is peeved about my exclusion from Messengers based on nothing concrete.

Now to the big day. My dad and I went over to my mom's place this time (sometimes we go over to his mom's). We got there at about 9 AM and the first thing I did was dig into my stocking. Every year my mom stuffs it with candy and little goodies, this year I got a gift card for two haircuts at Great Clips. I have thick, fast-growing hair, so it is much appreciated. After everyone got settled with coffee and eggnog, we all opened presents. Matthew and I both got Gameboy DS's and three games apiece. I've been asking for that for a few christmases, I guess there's more money to spend now that our family is in smaller pieces. Matthew also got a three-choice tin of popcorn, plus a small boxful of the microwave kind from my sister in TN, six new movies, and an accessories kit for his Gameboy (carrying case, car adapter, headphones, extra styluses).

In addition to my Gameboy, I got a paintable 3-D wood puzzle of an aircraft carrier, 'The Pit Dragon' trilogy by Jane Yolan (very good stories about dragons), two new movies, three cd's, and a Woman's Devotional Bible. My mom got a foot tall glass snowman from my sister, and Matthew gave Dad a new winter jacket and hat. Plus there are still the presents to get from my other grandma. She usually gets me cash or a gift card and some perfume. Even if some of these things sound boring or lame I love everything I got, it's the only thing my inferiority complex is good for. It makes me very appreciative at this time of year with no expectations for extravagant gifts, or at least no disappointments at not so great ones. The time over at my mom's was a good diversion.

I say that because on the way home I started thinking about Dave, again. My dad asked if I was ok, which is a sure sign that my introvertedness is overrunning its inner boundaries. I almost started to cry, but couldn't tell if it was because I was missing Dave or because I had forgotten about him all day until then (and was feeling guilty?). I kept wondering how his family's christmas went, picturing him and Renee in close proximity with steaming cups of coffee while the kids crowded around the tree and scrambled for their gifts. It was probably nothing like that, I don't even know if they have a tree. But before my dad and I got home I resolved to not let Dave (or rather his memory) ruin what turned out to be a good christmas.

bang, all at once

This time around I've had difficulty getting into the Christmas spirit. There are a lot of contributing factors, my estrangement from Dave, the fact that my family is now split in three separate entities (my dad and I; my mom and brother; and my sister in TN), the lack of snow for almost the entire month. So I was surprised to wake up this morning feeling like a little kid in nervous anticipation of Christmas morning. My dad and I are going over to my mom's for Christmas day, for gifts and dinner. I think I'm more excited to see my younger brother than anything else (except maybe the presents) because I haven't really seen him since Messengers let out in early Nov, except for a few minutes at church now and then.

As I said in my previous post, today there are two Christmas eve services. My dad doesn't work today so he said he'd take me (if he comes in with me is something else entirely) but this should be enough to boost me completely into holiday cheer. Fingers crossed.

nontraditional sermon

Tonight's church service was a little surreal, a little disconcerting.

Tonight was the final sermon on the book of Romans, which John Piper has been going through for about eight years. John was getting a little emotional after recounting all the things that had happened during the book of Romans; three of his four sons got married during Romans, all of his grandchildren were born during Romans, the new section of the church was built and is debt free during Romans, two new campuses have been planted during Romans. So this being the last sermon on the last verse in Romans is a big deal for him.

John says that according to the bible, if you are a true christian you have Christ in you. On that note, instead of dong his usual preaching about Jesus, John made it an open-eyed prayer to Jesus. So for 30 minutes he was saying 'you' but not meaning the congregation even though he was looking right at us. It was a weird feeling, to know that John meant for all of us to hear what he was saying but also knowing that he meant every word as a prayer.

It also didn't help that I was in the second row with no one at all in front of me, so John had an unobstructed sight-line of me. He may not have looked directly at me every time, but his head turned in my direction enough times for me to know that he did indeed see me. I almost had a panic attack right there in my seat, perfectly calm on the outside but squirming on the inside, wanting to wriggle under the seat to hide.

As far as the 'experiment' is going (see last paragraph of 12/04, 'in denial') I think I'm close. I don't trust easily for a fact, and being able to trust John even on some rudimentary level is part of seeing him as a person, as more human if you will. It's a lot harder to trust a person, to put your inner self on the line for a person, than it is for a vague notion or ideal of a person. But I'm getting there, by inches.

miscellaneous

Today was an odd day for weather. Early in the day it rained, then it snowed clumpy monster flakes, then it turned to mini hail/sleet for a few hours, then back to light snow. Now it's raining again, I can hear it dripping off the drainpipe outside the living room window. The thing is, the weather guys on tv weren't predicting snow till tomorrow, and that only in the afternoon. I guess this means it'll be mushy, icy wet outside all weekend if the temp holds steady. We may not get a white christmas, but a sloppy one more likely.

What else is there to write about? I've beaten the Dave thing to death, not just in here but in my own head trying to see all sides of the issue. I'm at the point where I'm not sure of any of it anymore, only that they want me to stay away. I try to not be so emotionally involved/affected by it, but I get queasy when I just go by that coffee shop we met in. I try to tell myself that it's the decision and the people involved that I should focus on, a place is just a place. But it's always been that way, certain places have emotional significance, most of them not good.

This weekend I'll have three opportunities for church: regular Sat service and two X-Mas Eve services. Depending on my dad's work schedule it may be a long day for me on Sun since the first and second services are about four hours apart. I could go home after the first but that would mean two more fares on the bus, one home and one back to church. I may end up hanging out in the nearby Dunn Bros. for 3 1/2 or four hours. :P Not that bad, but not that fun either. I'll be sure to bring a few books so as not to get bored.

Good Lord, what are they doing now?

If I understand this right, Blogger Beta is now the new Blogger (something like a 2.0 version) and the old Blogger is....what? And does this mean the old Blogger will cease to exist at some future point in time? I'm glad I switched weeks ago. I was reading Dirk_Star's blog, http://jestersrap.blogspot.com/, and one of his posts encourages fledgling bloggers to spread their wings and soar over to Beta (which is now just Blogger) and I agree that it is scary. Under normal circumstances I'd be the first to defy the switch. But I have put a lot of effort into my blogs, as I'm sure many of you have. So get your butts over here any of you who are still lagging behind. :)

unfairly sentenced

Yesterday I had an appointment with Doc. Sig. whom I haven't seen in 7 weeks because he had to have some kind of surgery. Usually I meet with him every two or three weeks. Needless to say I was glad to see him.

When I told him about the meeting with Dave and Renee and Lotis, and how they felt the need to 'create some space' for the sake of the ministry, he thought it was stupid and said so repeatedly. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks so. I can see now that Dave and Renee and Lotis, whose opinions and judgement I respect, had me so convinced of my guilt that I couldn't recognize how they virtually ganged up on me and pronounced judgment. I now believe that said judgement was disproportionate to the 'crime'. True it is hard to judge some things like breach of trust and motives/thoughts, but aside from my father-figure affections for Dave I never made any inappropriate physical moves toward him, like trying to kiss him. The only times I hugged him was if he initiated it. And this is not a repeated pattern with me, this is the first time I've done anything like what I did to Dave. Not just the first time with him, the first time EVER.

It's one thing to bar me from hanging around at Dave's, even seeking his advice outside of the church in a neutral setting. But the only reason I am no longer in Messengers is because Lotis is terrified for her precious ministry. She's afraid that even the faintest whisper of the possibility of inappropriateness to the 'wrong' people could get her and her ministry booted out of Bethlehem (our church) and she'd lose her rehearsal space and finance account. (Messengers is not totally funded by Bethlehem, but last I heard she does have an account with them specifically for Messengers that people can contribute to.) I guess in her mind getting rid of me was an acceptable loss in order to save the whole. 'Sacrifice the one to save the many.' Never mind what I'm supposed to do now that Messengers has been taken away, the only place I felt comfortable enough to break out of my emotional cocoon. Just because I wasn't sociable enough for Lotis doesn't mean I wasn't taking giant steps to being more outgoing, more 'normal', than I've ever been before in my life. That's the problem with not knowing someone, you hold them to standards that you think are normal for you but to them they're enormous.

a warm nose is a happy nose

Tonight was my church's Annual All-Church Strategy Meeting. There was an agenda and minutes, and the discussion of this past year's budget and the proposed 2007 budget, as well as approving new elders and reaffirming current ones. I can hear some of you saying that watching mold grow would be more exciting. But seeing as I am a member of my church and had absolutely zero else to do, I figured 'what the hey, why not?'. The meeting went from 6:30 pm to about 8 pm, after which I caught the bus home. There was someone I knew there who could've given me a ride if I'd asked, but my motives dictated otherwise so I didn't. But 40 minutes of waiting in 35º weather made me wish I had asked and damn my motives. By the time I got home I could barely feel my nose and my toes had gone on vacation. Looking forward to snuggling into a warm bed tonight.

a shameless plug

I've been listening to John Piper online for almost six hours. The link on the right labeled 'John Piper' will take you to his biography on the Desiring God website (Desiring God Ministries is a christian resources company that John founded). Also on the site, under Resource Library, you can read, listen to or watch his sermons, read or listen to his narrative Advent poems, or listen to some interviews. If you click on the About Us tab, then at the bottom of that page is a News link. This is constantly, if not consistently, updated with sermon excerpts, short interviews, some church business, and other things pertaining to John or Bethlehem church. There's some good stuff there, you should check it out.

One reason I've been listening to John is because I miss my dad and John's voice is comforting (church is like a second home). Also, hearing his voice feeds/calms that adolescent crush I talked about. I wrote before that if you take away the object of an obsessee's affection it can produce the opposite effect. Listening to John online makes it easier for me to be more 'normal' (not so twitchy) when I'm around him at church.

by myself, Day2

As of yet, Dave hasn't called. I half hope he will before my dad gets back and Dave has a chance to ask him what he called to talk about. Awkward. Like I said yesterday, I don't know if Dave would believe it was an accident.

Church tonight was (as it always is) the highlight of my week, a little more so tonight. First off, John Piper always gets to the church early for the prayer group and also to get all his notes and whatnot in order. While I sat just outside the sanctuary reading John's latest book, he walked up and in passing put a hand on my shoulder and said hello. Unfortunately I was not expecting this and I only squeaked in reply. I meant to say 'hi' but what came out sounded more like an old man's dying gasp than actual words. But I also waved so I'm sure he got the message. Then when I headed down to the pre-service prayer, we passed in the hall and he smiled at me. I of course grinned like a fool. His smile is infectious, if you've ever talked with him you know what I mean. ;)

Anyway....

The sermon really got to me. Usually I end up with a slight headache afterwards because my brain is trying to process what John says on an intellectual level. But this one went right to the middle of me. It was on Romans 16:26, focusing on the glory of God. I'd have to look up the sermon text to remember how he got around to God filling every need in your life, but that's what he ended on. With recent events as they are it felt like he was talking to me. That's the problem with being unapproachable, even if Pastor John wanted to ask how I am (he is aware of some of my family's situation) he may not know how to ask. That doesn't mean I'm going to try and strike up a personal conversation anytime soon. I learned my lesson with Dave, and I'm not going to jeopardize what little acquaintanceship I have with John because of some leftover adolescent crush/fantasy.

After the sermon I wanted to talk to someone about how it affected me. But I found that the only ones I wanted to talk to were Ed, Pastor John, or another of the Elders whom I feel the same way about as I do Pastor John. So I got out of there and took the bus home, mainly out of respect for Lotis's wish that I keep my distance from Ed. I was also angry and frustrated. Angry at Lotis, and Dave, and myself. Frustrated at not being able to tell Ed what's going on. Technically there's nothing stopping me, but if I opened that box he'd never see me the same again. As it is I don't know if/how much he and Dave have talked. I could do what Dave suggested at the meeting and find a group of godly women to talk with. But I have this aversion to talking with women. Maybe it's because I don't think they'll understand me because I have never been able to relate to the women I come into contact with, or that they won't be able to relate to me because of all the far-out crap that goes through my head. Maybe it's because I don't like my mother or trust her advice and so find it hard to trust other women's advice or think it will be of any value. But I guess I could try. The worst that could happen is a couple wasted hours and possibly alienating some people I hardly know.

down and low

I think two whiskey-sours is my limit tonight. Given my state of mind lately, I probably should not drink. Alcohol is a depressant, which I don't need any help with.

I'm sitting here waiting for Dave to call, hoping to God he doesn't (but he probably will because that would just be frickin' perfect, wouldn't it?). Sitting here and listening to my "low" playlist on iTunes, songs like 'Drinkin Bout You' by Big&Rich, 'I'll Never Forgive My Heart' by Brooks&Dunn, 'Yesterday' by the Beatles, 'Rock Bottom' by Eminem, and 'Hurt' by Johnny Cash. God I'm so pathetic. A long ago friend once said that it's like I keep hitting my head against a wall because it feels good when I stop. That fits as well as anything.

But tomorrow is church, something to look forward to I guess. Another opportunity for metaphorical cranial damage as it were. Seriously, what little spiritual help I may glean from John Piper's sermon is far outmatched by the torture I go through with the 'what ifs' and 'you can'ts' and all the self-pity mixing with a self-righteous 'it's not fair'. On the one hand, I didn't ask to be hardwired as an emotionally needy leech. On the other, I'm not a kid. I can make choices to try and overcome the bad shit in me.

Growing up sucks.

by myself, Day1: points and problems

1) My dad left this morning with my older sister and her two kids to visit my younger sister in Tennessee. He left his cell phone here to be able to get ahold of me because our internet is dial-up with no second line for calls. He said I could take the cell with me if I go out (like to church tomorrow) and on that note I decided I should figure out how to put the ringer to silent.

2) In doing so I came across his call history and in it saw Dave's cell number. Thinking Dave had left a voice message (but with no real idea how to work my dad's phone) I pushed a button in the hopes of hearing said message that might be there. Instead I heard the phone start to dial. In my panic I completely blanked on how to cancel the call and it rang twice before I could hang up.

3) About ten minutes later my dad's cell rang, and guess who's number was on the caller i.d.? I ignored it. What was I going to say? "Hi, Dave. No that was me by accident." I think he'd have trouble believing I was sincere. They say honesty is the best policy, but does that count if you wouldn't be believed anyway?

4) Dave left a voice message, which I listened to, twice, and then deleted. He said he was in the middle of airport security (?) when 'dad's' call came through and said he might try and call 'dad' later this evening.

Now what am I going to do? Should I ignore him, hope he'll forget and go away? I've learned that just because you pretend something isn't there doesn't mean it disappears. Plus, since saving my dad's immortal soul is kind of Dave's pet project, I doubt Dave will forget. But I have an idea. I called Dave at about ten to noon, Dave called back a little after noon. The time frame is a little tight, but I might be able to say that my dad called Dave just before he left for Tennessee and when Dave called he just missed him. But if I answer the phone if Dave calls later, how do I explain why I didn't answer it before?

I know that the only reason I'm in this problem is because I wanted to hear Dave's voice, but I had no intension of actually calling him. (Though the only difference between hearing his voice in a message or live is a the way I justify it. Dave would still see it as a disregard for boundaries.) Even if I were to answer Dave if he calls tonight and convince him it was an accident, I know the truth of my own motives. I wanted to hear Dave's voice, period. No excuses for my behavior. I was wrong for even trying to 'listen in' on a message that was not meant for me.

So here is another quandry. Do I confess my slip to Dave and hope for understanding (if not forgiveness), or do I let it go? Should I voluntarily dig myself deeper into the pit (of my own making) of however he sees me now, or tell myself 'no harm, no foul'? Is honesty indeed the best policy? Can one be too honest, even in a situation like this?

Just yesterday I thought I was doing better. Maybe I am? After all, I did listen to Dave's message two times but then I deleted it. Although, I did call him in the first place, accident or not. Pertaining to my previous entry I'm starting to understand that just because you're sorry, it doesn't make everything alright.

an attempt at apology

A lack of an apology in any form (be it in person or just by letter) is, in my mind, worse than an extension of my 'sentence'. So I have decided to write a short note to Renee saying that I realized that I have not formally apologized to either her or Dave, and that I am indeed very sorry for what I did. Hopefully it will be taken as what it is, a sincere apology, and not seen as just another desperate grasp at contact. After this I will not be in any kind of contact unless they initiate it. The understanding of the egregious nature of my actions has made the edict of 'boundaries and barriers' more reasonable if not more bearable.

quandry

In 'objective thinking, part3' I relayed about two bus passes that Renee sent me. Now I'm wondering if I should reply. Should I write her a thank you/apology? Or should I not make any contact and again risk being seen as a cold person? Every time I think about the potential for continued harm to this relationship I get queasy. If I keep pushing they'll likely cut off contact completely and forever, and I've already proven that I have a problem with boundaries, mental and emotional if not physical.

Would Renee see such a note of apology as some attempt to gain brownie points or shorten my 'sentence' as it were? That's exactly what I don't want to happen. I'm beginning to comprehend that it's easier to create a negative opinion of yourself in others than it is to get out from under one. Of course, I've been unwittingly developing this 'rep' for years and only just recently been working to invert it.

-sigh- Doc. Sig. and I will have quite the session next week.

in exile

I have been banished from Dave's. I have been banished from Messengers. This banishment has an indefinite time span, "until summer, and then we'll see" is what they said. Somehow that is worse than an irreversible decision, as slivers of hope seem to be the bane of my existence lately. So anything within the boundaries of Dave and Messengers is prohibited, but I must remember that there are other places I can go. I'm not as confined as I would have myself believe. The reason I have trouble seeing other possibilities is because Messengers was a large chunk of my social exposure, a sure go-to when I wanted to be around other people without actually having to be sociable. Which, when I think about it, is a big part of why I'm in this mess.

objective thinking, part3?

Romans 12:20 says, "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Verse 19 is about not taking revenge when it is perfectly justified. This verse says to take it one step farther and do good back. I'm not sure if the 'burning coals' indicates the guilt the 'enemy' would feel or something more eternally damning.

The reason I quote this verse is this. In today's mail I got a small card from Renee who has more right to be furious with me than anyone in this mess. Inside were two free-ride passes for the city bus and this handwritten note:

"Somehow these free passes appeared on my desk, and I immediately thought of you. Hope you can use them to take the bus, then you could use that money for something more fun. I was blessed by your attitude the other night. God bless you, Renee. P.S. I've been praying for you."

First off, even if she did think of me first, she didn't have to send them to me. I figured she'd never want any contact with me for at least the duration of the 'making space' period and then some. But then, I don't have a "do good to your enemies" attitude. As for my attitude the other night (the meeting on Sunday) she probably means she's glad that I didn't sulk and whine about being nudged out of Messengers 'for the good of the group', or get angry and start yelling and trying to assign blame. Yeah I'm upset. It was the only social contact I have/had outside of church proper. But it did save me from the awkward situation of trying to explain that noway was I going to the Philippines.

My point is that Renee did send me the free passes even after everything I did. I still haven't apologized to her. I don't deserve to know these people, to have them call themselves my friends. That's part of the reason I stayed so distant in the first place, figuring that if they really got to know me they wouldn't want to be around me.

Lotis asked something like that, why I would think they wouldn't want to hang around me. I told her, "You don't know me." She said she didn't have to know me to see me as a valuable human being. However, she also told me that for the first few years she knew me she thought I was retarded because I barely spoke when she tried to talk to me. Then later after she'd had a real conversation with me and realized I am intelligent, it changed her opinion of me. So isn't it then a justifiable fear on my part that they would think less of me because of who I really am underneath my public face? I guess I should have let them make that decision for themselves instead of assuming. But that's me, not even 'Hope for the best', just 'Assume the worst'.

objective thinking, part2

In my 11/22 post ('edgy, for multiple reasons') I said I wanted to tell Dave 'I'm sorry' over and over, not because I actually was sorry for what I'd done to him, but because he'd reacted in a way contrary to what I'd planned and I wished I'd kept my mouth shut and wanted to take it back. I still had hope that everything could be made right. But now I'm learning the true meaning of being penitent. I had no right to do what I did. I was so self-absorbed in how it would affect me that I couldn't see how deep the issue was/is and the far-reaching fallout of the consequences, not just to myself but to Dave and Renee and Messengers.

I can see why some people turn to drinking in situations like this (though my problem is far from dire by many standards). I hate feeling this way. But I brought it on myself by indulging in fantastical thinking about a married man near twice my age, and then telling him about it. I could take the easy way out and tell myself, "Well if you'd just kept your damn mouth shut..." Or that it's a complete misunderstanding and overreaction on Dave and Renee's part. But no, it was the right thing to do being honest to Dave about my motives, and Lotis, Dave, and Renee agreed wholeheartedly. Better to be honest and have it hurt for awhile than to just leave it to fester and create worse problems down the road.

Ya, that's the logical side of me talking, which is what I need to be listening to right now. If I let the emotional, desperate, obsessional side of me start thinking for me again I'm likely to do something impulsive and irrational, not to mention very stupid.

I know this has the potential to spill over into the precarious emotional middle ground that Ed is now in. I have trouble maintaining that middle ground (hence Bill, and now Dave) and I DO NOT want to lose the last good friendship I have because I can't keep a damn handle on some leftover adolescent fantasy. But I don't want to sink farther into being emotionally unavailable without being aware of it. Like a closed book (or a sealed book).

I know it's decision time. Yet I recoil at the mere suggestion.

objective thinking, part1

It seems in my experience that the right decision is often the least appetizing. Maybe it's because I make so many little, short-term wrong decisions that when it comes time to pay up it nearly cripples me.

I keep deleting sentences here trying to justify why I shouldn't attempt to explain how I feel. But now I'm thinking, what the hell. If you can't vent your emotional and psychological frustrations in your blog where else can you? So here goes.

What sticks in my mind the most from Sunday's meeting is the realization that I do affect the people around me. I've spent the majority of my growing up as the outsider because everyone I came into contact with (my social circles being school and church) already had their clique of friends and I was not outgoing enough to 'bully' my way in. I spent so long feeling invisible that eventually I convinced myself that I was, an unremarkable non-entity that was forgotten as soon as I was out of sight. Then if they did make an effort to include me, I would say 'thanks, I'm fine by myself' because I figured they didn't really mean it, that they were just feeling sorry for me. I'm starting to think pity has gotten a bad rap over the years, I'm realizing being pitied is better than being feared.

Lotis actually said that. She said that after so many times of trying to get me to join the group and me continually rebuffing them, they (or rather she) started to think I was cold and unemotional and they became afraid to talk to me. I was a little peeved that she never mentioned this before but now I know why no one did.

The Oxford American Dictionary describes an introvert as "a person predominantly concerned with their own thoughts and feelings." I often wondered what Dave and others thought of me, how they saw me, but I never took an objective look at myself from their point of view. I'm beginning to see now that I am very much centered on myself and have been for a long time. I've kept myself to myself for so long that it hasn't occurred to me for quite a while that there are other people out there being influenced by what I do or not, or what I say or don't. It was disconcerting to hear Lotis say that Renee had forgiven me. At the time I didn't know what I should be apologizing for. Now it's starting to sink in and I'm thinking, 'Oh my god, what have I done?!' Despair; anguish; melancholy; despondency; these are a few of the words to describe how I feel when I think of the trust I've betrayed in Dave and Renee. All the times I've been to their house, played with their kids, gone to church and eaten dinner with them, all the while under false pretenses. And my thinking it wasn't a big deal, it was my problem to deal with. But it was a huge deal that I'm just now grasping.

in denial

I've been biting my nails all day and my neck is stiff and sore.

You'd think something as big as yesterday's meeting/decision would keep my mind mulling for days. But I find I'm not at all that eager to replay the conversations of last night. I can sense something emotionally gargantuan waiting to pounce on me and denial feels like the safest (if not the healthiest) place to be right now. I know I'll have to face it sooner or later, hopefully before my next appointment with Doc. Sig. so I don't come completely unraveled. Though if I knew said unraveling was inevitable and had to choose a place, I'd have it be there.

Have you ever seen the movie 'The Final Cut' with Robin Williams? It's a Drama/Horror about sometime in the future where science has made it possible to have an implant put in your brain to record your life, everything you see and hear. On that premise, I have what happened last night bracketed between a specific time-point memory of yesterday at a couple hours before the meeting and then writing yesterday's evening post. If I let this denial continue for too long, that time between will start to disintegrate and become fuzzy and unreal till I suppress it completely almost to the point of misremembering how it happened.

Can the practice of trying to precisely delineate between emotions lead to a split personality? I don't think so. At my previous appointment Doc. Sig. told me I have to learn to delineate the feelings I have for Dave (between romantic and father-figure type) but I doubt he meant learning to switch them off. He's already said he's afraid I'm becoming emotionally unavailable.

In other news, I have classified my attendance of the Saturday night prayer group as 'an experiment in altering interpersonal perception'. In plain speak, I want to see if the change in physical and emotional/spiritual proximity between myself and John changes how I see him. It is and will hopefully remain a completely one-sided experiment because if he caught a hint of my intentions it would become awkward. It's not like he could banish me from attending, but I'm quite sure I would no longer be welcome.

Uh-huh.....right.

Well, guess who's out of Messengers? Dave and Lotis said that because of certain boundaries that need to be in place for my sake, as well as because of the larger cause of the Messengers ministry (because the hint of the possibility of an extramarital affair could be irrevocably damaging), they told me it's a good idea to create some space. TRANSLATION: "We need you to leave the group so you don't endanger it, but also for your own well being."

Huh?!

One of the first sentences out of Dave's mouth was, "We think you need help." Well, duh. See this is the problem I have when I try and talk to other people besides my therapist. Doc. Sig. is THE only one who knows almost all of me. When others get glimpses and snippets of what lies under the surface of my personality they don't understand because they have no context to compare it to. And it is such a pain in the ass, not to mention time consuming, to try and explain where I'm coming from. I probably should have mentioned to them that I've been in therapy for about half my life. But I'm sure then they would have wondered why I'm not better.

The next sentence out of Dave's mouth was, "I don't think I can help you. I don't think we (he, Renee, Lotis) know how to help you." Meaning the affinity I have for older, often married men. He doesn't see a way for him or his family to help/council me given this affinity that I do have (boundaries and conflict-of-interest). And I understand that. I went into this meeting in a very practical and logical state of mind. I knew that if I let my emotions in they would take over and leave me an incomprehensible and unintelligible ball of tears or a sulking and pouty seven-year-old. That I definitely did not need right now. At several points in the talk I could feel myself close to tears because they were saying things I didn't want to hear, but I told myself beforehand I would not cry in front of Dave. Not that he'd see it as just weakness but also as immature behavior, the pouty seven-year-old. It'll probably hit me when I go to bed tonight, I'll just sob quietly into my pillow.

I realized tonight that I am a mess of contradictions. Part of me is logical but I can also be fantastical and irrational. I can be (or at least seem) mature but I am also pouty and at times just can't understand 'why not?'. I can be calm and disinterested on the outside but inside I'm a turmoil of emotions. When I was sitting at that little coffeehouse table with Lotis and Dave and Renee, part of me wanted to stand and scream 'Fuck you!' in their faces and than storm out and walk home. I didn't do that for 3 reasons.

1)The only thing it would have achieved would be to release my pent up frustration, mostly with myself.

2)It would have proved Lotis's opinion that I am cold and antisocial, which I'm not. (Like the t-shirt says: I'm not antisocial, I just don't like you.)

3)The temperature outside was around 15˚above zero and we were close to a mile, maybe more, from the apartment.

I had a feeling that if I screamed at them I would then have to leave or I'd go farther than I'd be able to justify later. I don't know for sure but I wasn't about to take the chance with it being so cold out. 'So you would have if it was sunny and 70?' I don't know.

Lotis then went on to say that after the spring run of Messengers' latest production, we'd get back together and reassess where I am spiritually and emotionally. She said that since the Messengers do a lot of stuff together over the summer I could try reintegrating in that setting, also stopping by sometimes to watch rehearsals. In other words, for the sake of all involved, yourself included, stay away for now. As if I didn't already feel like an outsider. So I'll be out until at least the summer, more likely for good because I don't foresee any radical change in me. This is a big part of who I am. I'm not a social person, and I like older guys. I would never make any kind of move if they're married, most likely even if they're single. I've written before that it would be a far bolder move than is in me to make.

(I better wrap this up, it's getting long.) Lotis also mentioned Ed, that he's desperately trying to put his life back together (he's a new Christian) and though he may seem all put together, he isn't, so to not 'tempt him'. Basically be neurotically aware of my words and actions around Ed so as not to give the wrong impression. After Dave, no problem. I've already said I'm getting uncomfortable with Ed's continued driving me home, precisely because of the present situation in which I find myself mired.

I've vented enough for tonight. A night's sleep may put a twist of perspective on it and I may write more tomorrow.

It's about time.

That's what I said after Renee (Dave's wife) called this morning to set up a meeting for this evening between her, myself, Dave, and Lotis (the director of the Messengers drama group) in order to talk about "this situation". But after I said that I realized there was no substance behind it, no frustration or angst. Not even a desperate hope that once I plead my case everything will go back to the way it was before. In fact, my first reaction to seeing Dave's number on the phone's caller i.d. was surprise. It's been about 7 weeks since my last conversation with Dave, and I figured if he hadn't talked to me by now he never would. But I guess the opposite was true, it just took longer than I expected. I understand now that that is a very good thing.

Remember when I said I thought I was about halfway to being over Dave (Baby Steps-10/30)? Hah! Even two weeks ago I would have cringed at the thought of being around Dave because of how I thought/think he sees me, as an unstable leech with daddy issues. Granted that is my nature (which I am trying to change) but I didn't want Dave to see it that way. But since it is my nature, this outcome was practically inevitable once I opened my mouth. And as I've said before, I'm sorry it was the cost of a 'normal' friendship with Dave that taught me this life lesson.

But back to the meeting. On the one hand I'm glad because I do miss Dave and his family. As I've said before (or perhaps not, I don't remember) they filled a need. But on the other hand, I'm already nervous around Dave. But then you add in Lotis (who was a bit of a tyrant in the kindest sense of the word) I'm downright scared. I'm sure you've heard of 'A-type personality'. Lotis is that and then some. She's not a bully, but she can be overbearing. I have to remind myself to not go overboard on the defensive, playing the wounded victim. But I also must make the extra effort to not clam up if they say something I don't want to hear.