objective thinking, part1

It seems in my experience that the right decision is often the least appetizing. Maybe it's because I make so many little, short-term wrong decisions that when it comes time to pay up it nearly cripples me.

I keep deleting sentences here trying to justify why I shouldn't attempt to explain how I feel. But now I'm thinking, what the hell. If you can't vent your emotional and psychological frustrations in your blog where else can you? So here goes.

What sticks in my mind the most from Sunday's meeting is the realization that I do affect the people around me. I've spent the majority of my growing up as the outsider because everyone I came into contact with (my social circles being school and church) already had their clique of friends and I was not outgoing enough to 'bully' my way in. I spent so long feeling invisible that eventually I convinced myself that I was, an unremarkable non-entity that was forgotten as soon as I was out of sight. Then if they did make an effort to include me, I would say 'thanks, I'm fine by myself' because I figured they didn't really mean it, that they were just feeling sorry for me. I'm starting to think pity has gotten a bad rap over the years, I'm realizing being pitied is better than being feared.

Lotis actually said that. She said that after so many times of trying to get me to join the group and me continually rebuffing them, they (or rather she) started to think I was cold and unemotional and they became afraid to talk to me. I was a little peeved that she never mentioned this before but now I know why no one did.

The Oxford American Dictionary describes an introvert as "a person predominantly concerned with their own thoughts and feelings." I often wondered what Dave and others thought of me, how they saw me, but I never took an objective look at myself from their point of view. I'm beginning to see now that I am very much centered on myself and have been for a long time. I've kept myself to myself for so long that it hasn't occurred to me for quite a while that there are other people out there being influenced by what I do or not, or what I say or don't. It was disconcerting to hear Lotis say that Renee had forgiven me. At the time I didn't know what I should be apologizing for. Now it's starting to sink in and I'm thinking, 'Oh my god, what have I done?!' Despair; anguish; melancholy; despondency; these are a few of the words to describe how I feel when I think of the trust I've betrayed in Dave and Renee. All the times I've been to their house, played with their kids, gone to church and eaten dinner with them, all the while under false pretenses. And my thinking it wasn't a big deal, it was my problem to deal with. But it was a huge deal that I'm just now grasping.