by myself, Day2

As of yet, Dave hasn't called. I half hope he will before my dad gets back and Dave has a chance to ask him what he called to talk about. Awkward. Like I said yesterday, I don't know if Dave would believe it was an accident.

Church tonight was (as it always is) the highlight of my week, a little more so tonight. First off, John Piper always gets to the church early for the prayer group and also to get all his notes and whatnot in order. While I sat just outside the sanctuary reading John's latest book, he walked up and in passing put a hand on my shoulder and said hello. Unfortunately I was not expecting this and I only squeaked in reply. I meant to say 'hi' but what came out sounded more like an old man's dying gasp than actual words. But I also waved so I'm sure he got the message. Then when I headed down to the pre-service prayer, we passed in the hall and he smiled at me. I of course grinned like a fool. His smile is infectious, if you've ever talked with him you know what I mean. ;)

Anyway....

The sermon really got to me. Usually I end up with a slight headache afterwards because my brain is trying to process what John says on an intellectual level. But this one went right to the middle of me. It was on Romans 16:26, focusing on the glory of God. I'd have to look up the sermon text to remember how he got around to God filling every need in your life, but that's what he ended on. With recent events as they are it felt like he was talking to me. That's the problem with being unapproachable, even if Pastor John wanted to ask how I am (he is aware of some of my family's situation) he may not know how to ask. That doesn't mean I'm going to try and strike up a personal conversation anytime soon. I learned my lesson with Dave, and I'm not going to jeopardize what little acquaintanceship I have with John because of some leftover adolescent crush/fantasy.

After the sermon I wanted to talk to someone about how it affected me. But I found that the only ones I wanted to talk to were Ed, Pastor John, or another of the Elders whom I feel the same way about as I do Pastor John. So I got out of there and took the bus home, mainly out of respect for Lotis's wish that I keep my distance from Ed. I was also angry and frustrated. Angry at Lotis, and Dave, and myself. Frustrated at not being able to tell Ed what's going on. Technically there's nothing stopping me, but if I opened that box he'd never see me the same again. As it is I don't know if/how much he and Dave have talked. I could do what Dave suggested at the meeting and find a group of godly women to talk with. But I have this aversion to talking with women. Maybe it's because I don't think they'll understand me because I have never been able to relate to the women I come into contact with, or that they won't be able to relate to me because of all the far-out crap that goes through my head. Maybe it's because I don't like my mother or trust her advice and so find it hard to trust other women's advice or think it will be of any value. But I guess I could try. The worst that could happen is a couple wasted hours and possibly alienating some people I hardly know.