in denial

I've been biting my nails all day and my neck is stiff and sore.

You'd think something as big as yesterday's meeting/decision would keep my mind mulling for days. But I find I'm not at all that eager to replay the conversations of last night. I can sense something emotionally gargantuan waiting to pounce on me and denial feels like the safest (if not the healthiest) place to be right now. I know I'll have to face it sooner or later, hopefully before my next appointment with Doc. Sig. so I don't come completely unraveled. Though if I knew said unraveling was inevitable and had to choose a place, I'd have it be there.

Have you ever seen the movie 'The Final Cut' with Robin Williams? It's a Drama/Horror about sometime in the future where science has made it possible to have an implant put in your brain to record your life, everything you see and hear. On that premise, I have what happened last night bracketed between a specific time-point memory of yesterday at a couple hours before the meeting and then writing yesterday's evening post. If I let this denial continue for too long, that time between will start to disintegrate and become fuzzy and unreal till I suppress it completely almost to the point of misremembering how it happened.

Can the practice of trying to precisely delineate between emotions lead to a split personality? I don't think so. At my previous appointment Doc. Sig. told me I have to learn to delineate the feelings I have for Dave (between romantic and father-figure type) but I doubt he meant learning to switch them off. He's already said he's afraid I'm becoming emotionally unavailable.

In other news, I have classified my attendance of the Saturday night prayer group as 'an experiment in altering interpersonal perception'. In plain speak, I want to see if the change in physical and emotional/spiritual proximity between myself and John changes how I see him. It is and will hopefully remain a completely one-sided experiment because if he caught a hint of my intentions it would become awkward. It's not like he could banish me from attending, but I'm quite sure I would no longer be welcome.