Uh-huh.....right.

Well, guess who's out of Messengers? Dave and Lotis said that because of certain boundaries that need to be in place for my sake, as well as because of the larger cause of the Messengers ministry (because the hint of the possibility of an extramarital affair could be irrevocably damaging), they told me it's a good idea to create some space. TRANSLATION: "We need you to leave the group so you don't endanger it, but also for your own well being."

Huh?!

One of the first sentences out of Dave's mouth was, "We think you need help." Well, duh. See this is the problem I have when I try and talk to other people besides my therapist. Doc. Sig. is THE only one who knows almost all of me. When others get glimpses and snippets of what lies under the surface of my personality they don't understand because they have no context to compare it to. And it is such a pain in the ass, not to mention time consuming, to try and explain where I'm coming from. I probably should have mentioned to them that I've been in therapy for about half my life. But I'm sure then they would have wondered why I'm not better.

The next sentence out of Dave's mouth was, "I don't think I can help you. I don't think we (he, Renee, Lotis) know how to help you." Meaning the affinity I have for older, often married men. He doesn't see a way for him or his family to help/council me given this affinity that I do have (boundaries and conflict-of-interest). And I understand that. I went into this meeting in a very practical and logical state of mind. I knew that if I let my emotions in they would take over and leave me an incomprehensible and unintelligible ball of tears or a sulking and pouty seven-year-old. That I definitely did not need right now. At several points in the talk I could feel myself close to tears because they were saying things I didn't want to hear, but I told myself beforehand I would not cry in front of Dave. Not that he'd see it as just weakness but also as immature behavior, the pouty seven-year-old. It'll probably hit me when I go to bed tonight, I'll just sob quietly into my pillow.

I realized tonight that I am a mess of contradictions. Part of me is logical but I can also be fantastical and irrational. I can be (or at least seem) mature but I am also pouty and at times just can't understand 'why not?'. I can be calm and disinterested on the outside but inside I'm a turmoil of emotions. When I was sitting at that little coffeehouse table with Lotis and Dave and Renee, part of me wanted to stand and scream 'Fuck you!' in their faces and than storm out and walk home. I didn't do that for 3 reasons.

1)The only thing it would have achieved would be to release my pent up frustration, mostly with myself.

2)It would have proved Lotis's opinion that I am cold and antisocial, which I'm not. (Like the t-shirt says: I'm not antisocial, I just don't like you.)

3)The temperature outside was around 15˚above zero and we were close to a mile, maybe more, from the apartment.

I had a feeling that if I screamed at them I would then have to leave or I'd go farther than I'd be able to justify later. I don't know for sure but I wasn't about to take the chance with it being so cold out. 'So you would have if it was sunny and 70?' I don't know.

Lotis then went on to say that after the spring run of Messengers' latest production, we'd get back together and reassess where I am spiritually and emotionally. She said that since the Messengers do a lot of stuff together over the summer I could try reintegrating in that setting, also stopping by sometimes to watch rehearsals. In other words, for the sake of all involved, yourself included, stay away for now. As if I didn't already feel like an outsider. So I'll be out until at least the summer, more likely for good because I don't foresee any radical change in me. This is a big part of who I am. I'm not a social person, and I like older guys. I would never make any kind of move if they're married, most likely even if they're single. I've written before that it would be a far bolder move than is in me to make.

(I better wrap this up, it's getting long.) Lotis also mentioned Ed, that he's desperately trying to put his life back together (he's a new Christian) and though he may seem all put together, he isn't, so to not 'tempt him'. Basically be neurotically aware of my words and actions around Ed so as not to give the wrong impression. After Dave, no problem. I've already said I'm getting uncomfortable with Ed's continued driving me home, precisely because of the present situation in which I find myself mired.

I've vented enough for tonight. A night's sleep may put a twist of perspective on it and I may write more tomorrow.