gone again

At 4:30 AM Tuesday morning, the day after christmas, my dad left for work. He had to be there by 5 to drive a charter coach down to Florida. He's taking a highschool basketball team down to somewhere near Miami to play three games. He'll be gone until 10 or 11 o'clock on Sunday evening. So here I am by myself again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I love my dad and he loves his work (though not always the higher-ups he has to work for) and I'm happy that he's happy. But Sunday?! That's a long time to be alone with my thoughts, very few of which in any way resemble anything good. Luckily I have christmas gifts to keep me occupied, at least until Sat church.

Every single Sat I go through the same emotional routine, wondering about my motives and if I should continue to attend in spite of them. Should I follow my gut and stay, hoping I can fix it (me) as I go? Or should I follow the logical 'right' thing to do and leave until I can sort myself out? I did the 'right thing' with Dave and look what happened there. Right now, the closest company I keep at church is the pre-service prayer group. Like I said before, if certain someones learned of my motives (which some nights are near non-existent), they couldn't kick me out of church, but I would become even more of an outsider. I could be asked to stay away from all but the service, maybe even try and find another church, and definitely to seek help.

P.S.
There's a song 'Stained Glass Masquerade' by Casting Crowns that I have recently discovered. Fits me perfectly.




'Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small'

'Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong'

'So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them'

(chorus)
'Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade'

'Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage'

'The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart'

'But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be'

'Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay'

(repeat chorusx2)

'But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade'

'Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small'