objective thinking, part2

In my 11/22 post ('edgy, for multiple reasons') I said I wanted to tell Dave 'I'm sorry' over and over, not because I actually was sorry for what I'd done to him, but because he'd reacted in a way contrary to what I'd planned and I wished I'd kept my mouth shut and wanted to take it back. I still had hope that everything could be made right. But now I'm learning the true meaning of being penitent. I had no right to do what I did. I was so self-absorbed in how it would affect me that I couldn't see how deep the issue was/is and the far-reaching fallout of the consequences, not just to myself but to Dave and Renee and Messengers.

I can see why some people turn to drinking in situations like this (though my problem is far from dire by many standards). I hate feeling this way. But I brought it on myself by indulging in fantastical thinking about a married man near twice my age, and then telling him about it. I could take the easy way out and tell myself, "Well if you'd just kept your damn mouth shut..." Or that it's a complete misunderstanding and overreaction on Dave and Renee's part. But no, it was the right thing to do being honest to Dave about my motives, and Lotis, Dave, and Renee agreed wholeheartedly. Better to be honest and have it hurt for awhile than to just leave it to fester and create worse problems down the road.

Ya, that's the logical side of me talking, which is what I need to be listening to right now. If I let the emotional, desperate, obsessional side of me start thinking for me again I'm likely to do something impulsive and irrational, not to mention very stupid.

I know this has the potential to spill over into the precarious emotional middle ground that Ed is now in. I have trouble maintaining that middle ground (hence Bill, and now Dave) and I DO NOT want to lose the last good friendship I have because I can't keep a damn handle on some leftover adolescent fantasy. But I don't want to sink farther into being emotionally unavailable without being aware of it. Like a closed book (or a sealed book).

I know it's decision time. Yet I recoil at the mere suggestion.