there's a mental short somewhere

I've been reading Garrison Keillor's somewhat weekly newspaper column online (see link to the right) for about an hour. I had to stop, it was making me sad. Not the content but the thought of not being able, perhaps ever, to meet him. I'm sure you've heard the phrase 'So close and yet so far away.' That is what this is exactly.

Mr. Keillor lives in St. Paul, MN, which is one half of what is known as the Twin Cities, Minneapolis and St. Paul (St. Paul being the capitol). I'm sure I could do the obsessive, unstable thing and Google his home address then take a bus and try and find it (though I believe he's in New York just now). But the other thing is, if Dave makes me simply nervous, I would be struck immobile and speechless to boot if I came across Mr. Keillor even intentionally. I can't help it, I seem to be hardwired to expect reprimand from those I most respect, especially if I feel delinquent, even with no real basis.

If I had a job I would buy the equivalent of season tickets to his live performance/broadcast of A Prairie Home Companion in St. Paul every Sat. I've written before that Keillor's show is on at practically the same time as Sat church service. Right now I've sacrificed Keillor for Piper because I can see Piper live. But if the situation was reversed and I could see Keillor live nearly every Sat, let's just say that my spiritual life would suffer even more than it does now.

gone again

At 4:30 AM Tuesday morning, the day after christmas, my dad left for work. He had to be there by 5 to drive a charter coach down to Florida. He's taking a highschool basketball team down to somewhere near Miami to play three games. He'll be gone until 10 or 11 o'clock on Sunday evening. So here I am by myself again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I love my dad and he loves his work (though not always the higher-ups he has to work for) and I'm happy that he's happy. But Sunday?! That's a long time to be alone with my thoughts, very few of which in any way resemble anything good. Luckily I have christmas gifts to keep me occupied, at least until Sat church.

Every single Sat I go through the same emotional routine, wondering about my motives and if I should continue to attend in spite of them. Should I follow my gut and stay, hoping I can fix it (me) as I go? Or should I follow the logical 'right' thing to do and leave until I can sort myself out? I did the 'right thing' with Dave and look what happened there. Right now, the closest company I keep at church is the pre-service prayer group. Like I said before, if certain someones learned of my motives (which some nights are near non-existent), they couldn't kick me out of church, but I would become even more of an outsider. I could be asked to stay away from all but the service, maybe even try and find another church, and definitely to seek help.

P.S.
There's a song 'Stained Glass Masquerade' by Casting Crowns that I have recently discovered. Fits me perfectly.




'Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small'

'Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong'

'So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them'

(chorus)
'Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade'

'Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage'

'The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart'

'But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be'

'Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay'

(repeat chorusx2)

'But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade'

'Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small'

a good (but not great) christmas

A quick note on Christmas eve:

There were two services at my church, one at 4:30 for families with little kids or folks who didn't want to stay up late, and the traditional one at 10:45. My dad and I picked up my younger brother Matthew and we all went to both. Just before the 4:30 service started, we were in the balcony, and Matthew commented that Dave was sitting below us. I was thinking, 'Good, he can stay down there.' He didn't. I don't know if he saw us, but I looked to my left a few minutes later and there he was with three of his kids. After the service my dad, brother and I had to walk past him and his to leave the sanctuary, and Matthew knows nothing of the situation so he was gung-ho to say hi to Dave before he got away. Dave said hi to me, I said hi back, no big deal. Then Dave and my dad got to talking, Dave saying they needed to get together over coffee soon. My dad was noncommittal, he too is peeved about my exclusion from Messengers based on nothing concrete.

Now to the big day. My dad and I went over to my mom's place this time (sometimes we go over to his mom's). We got there at about 9 AM and the first thing I did was dig into my stocking. Every year my mom stuffs it with candy and little goodies, this year I got a gift card for two haircuts at Great Clips. I have thick, fast-growing hair, so it is much appreciated. After everyone got settled with coffee and eggnog, we all opened presents. Matthew and I both got Gameboy DS's and three games apiece. I've been asking for that for a few christmases, I guess there's more money to spend now that our family is in smaller pieces. Matthew also got a three-choice tin of popcorn, plus a small boxful of the microwave kind from my sister in TN, six new movies, and an accessories kit for his Gameboy (carrying case, car adapter, headphones, extra styluses).

In addition to my Gameboy, I got a paintable 3-D wood puzzle of an aircraft carrier, 'The Pit Dragon' trilogy by Jane Yolan (very good stories about dragons), two new movies, three cd's, and a Woman's Devotional Bible. My mom got a foot tall glass snowman from my sister, and Matthew gave Dad a new winter jacket and hat. Plus there are still the presents to get from my other grandma. She usually gets me cash or a gift card and some perfume. Even if some of these things sound boring or lame I love everything I got, it's the only thing my inferiority complex is good for. It makes me very appreciative at this time of year with no expectations for extravagant gifts, or at least no disappointments at not so great ones. The time over at my mom's was a good diversion.

I say that because on the way home I started thinking about Dave, again. My dad asked if I was ok, which is a sure sign that my introvertedness is overrunning its inner boundaries. I almost started to cry, but couldn't tell if it was because I was missing Dave or because I had forgotten about him all day until then (and was feeling guilty?). I kept wondering how his family's christmas went, picturing him and Renee in close proximity with steaming cups of coffee while the kids crowded around the tree and scrambled for their gifts. It was probably nothing like that, I don't even know if they have a tree. But before my dad and I got home I resolved to not let Dave (or rather his memory) ruin what turned out to be a good christmas.

bang, all at once

This time around I've had difficulty getting into the Christmas spirit. There are a lot of contributing factors, my estrangement from Dave, the fact that my family is now split in three separate entities (my dad and I; my mom and brother; and my sister in TN), the lack of snow for almost the entire month. So I was surprised to wake up this morning feeling like a little kid in nervous anticipation of Christmas morning. My dad and I are going over to my mom's for Christmas day, for gifts and dinner. I think I'm more excited to see my younger brother than anything else (except maybe the presents) because I haven't really seen him since Messengers let out in early Nov, except for a few minutes at church now and then.

As I said in my previous post, today there are two Christmas eve services. My dad doesn't work today so he said he'd take me (if he comes in with me is something else entirely) but this should be enough to boost me completely into holiday cheer. Fingers crossed.

nontraditional sermon

Tonight's church service was a little surreal, a little disconcerting.

Tonight was the final sermon on the book of Romans, which John Piper has been going through for about eight years. John was getting a little emotional after recounting all the things that had happened during the book of Romans; three of his four sons got married during Romans, all of his grandchildren were born during Romans, the new section of the church was built and is debt free during Romans, two new campuses have been planted during Romans. So this being the last sermon on the last verse in Romans is a big deal for him.

John says that according to the bible, if you are a true christian you have Christ in you. On that note, instead of dong his usual preaching about Jesus, John made it an open-eyed prayer to Jesus. So for 30 minutes he was saying 'you' but not meaning the congregation even though he was looking right at us. It was a weird feeling, to know that John meant for all of us to hear what he was saying but also knowing that he meant every word as a prayer.

It also didn't help that I was in the second row with no one at all in front of me, so John had an unobstructed sight-line of me. He may not have looked directly at me every time, but his head turned in my direction enough times for me to know that he did indeed see me. I almost had a panic attack right there in my seat, perfectly calm on the outside but squirming on the inside, wanting to wriggle under the seat to hide.

As far as the 'experiment' is going (see last paragraph of 12/04, 'in denial') I think I'm close. I don't trust easily for a fact, and being able to trust John even on some rudimentary level is part of seeing him as a person, as more human if you will. It's a lot harder to trust a person, to put your inner self on the line for a person, than it is for a vague notion or ideal of a person. But I'm getting there, by inches.

miscellaneous

Today was an odd day for weather. Early in the day it rained, then it snowed clumpy monster flakes, then it turned to mini hail/sleet for a few hours, then back to light snow. Now it's raining again, I can hear it dripping off the drainpipe outside the living room window. The thing is, the weather guys on tv weren't predicting snow till tomorrow, and that only in the afternoon. I guess this means it'll be mushy, icy wet outside all weekend if the temp holds steady. We may not get a white christmas, but a sloppy one more likely.

What else is there to write about? I've beaten the Dave thing to death, not just in here but in my own head trying to see all sides of the issue. I'm at the point where I'm not sure of any of it anymore, only that they want me to stay away. I try to not be so emotionally involved/affected by it, but I get queasy when I just go by that coffee shop we met in. I try to tell myself that it's the decision and the people involved that I should focus on, a place is just a place. But it's always been that way, certain places have emotional significance, most of them not good.

This weekend I'll have three opportunities for church: regular Sat service and two X-Mas Eve services. Depending on my dad's work schedule it may be a long day for me on Sun since the first and second services are about four hours apart. I could go home after the first but that would mean two more fares on the bus, one home and one back to church. I may end up hanging out in the nearby Dunn Bros. for 3 1/2 or four hours. :P Not that bad, but not that fun either. I'll be sure to bring a few books so as not to get bored.

Good Lord, what are they doing now?

If I understand this right, Blogger Beta is now the new Blogger (something like a 2.0 version) and the old Blogger is....what? And does this mean the old Blogger will cease to exist at some future point in time? I'm glad I switched weeks ago. I was reading Dirk_Star's blog, http://jestersrap.blogspot.com/, and one of his posts encourages fledgling bloggers to spread their wings and soar over to Beta (which is now just Blogger) and I agree that it is scary. Under normal circumstances I'd be the first to defy the switch. But I have put a lot of effort into my blogs, as I'm sure many of you have. So get your butts over here any of you who are still lagging behind. :)

unfairly sentenced

Yesterday I had an appointment with Doc. Sig. whom I haven't seen in 7 weeks because he had to have some kind of surgery. Usually I meet with him every two or three weeks. Needless to say I was glad to see him.

When I told him about the meeting with Dave and Renee and Lotis, and how they felt the need to 'create some space' for the sake of the ministry, he thought it was stupid and said so repeatedly. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks so. I can see now that Dave and Renee and Lotis, whose opinions and judgement I respect, had me so convinced of my guilt that I couldn't recognize how they virtually ganged up on me and pronounced judgment. I now believe that said judgement was disproportionate to the 'crime'. True it is hard to judge some things like breach of trust and motives/thoughts, but aside from my father-figure affections for Dave I never made any inappropriate physical moves toward him, like trying to kiss him. The only times I hugged him was if he initiated it. And this is not a repeated pattern with me, this is the first time I've done anything like what I did to Dave. Not just the first time with him, the first time EVER.

It's one thing to bar me from hanging around at Dave's, even seeking his advice outside of the church in a neutral setting. But the only reason I am no longer in Messengers is because Lotis is terrified for her precious ministry. She's afraid that even the faintest whisper of the possibility of inappropriateness to the 'wrong' people could get her and her ministry booted out of Bethlehem (our church) and she'd lose her rehearsal space and finance account. (Messengers is not totally funded by Bethlehem, but last I heard she does have an account with them specifically for Messengers that people can contribute to.) I guess in her mind getting rid of me was an acceptable loss in order to save the whole. 'Sacrifice the one to save the many.' Never mind what I'm supposed to do now that Messengers has been taken away, the only place I felt comfortable enough to break out of my emotional cocoon. Just because I wasn't sociable enough for Lotis doesn't mean I wasn't taking giant steps to being more outgoing, more 'normal', than I've ever been before in my life. That's the problem with not knowing someone, you hold them to standards that you think are normal for you but to them they're enormous.

a warm nose is a happy nose

Tonight was my church's Annual All-Church Strategy Meeting. There was an agenda and minutes, and the discussion of this past year's budget and the proposed 2007 budget, as well as approving new elders and reaffirming current ones. I can hear some of you saying that watching mold grow would be more exciting. But seeing as I am a member of my church and had absolutely zero else to do, I figured 'what the hey, why not?'. The meeting went from 6:30 pm to about 8 pm, after which I caught the bus home. There was someone I knew there who could've given me a ride if I'd asked, but my motives dictated otherwise so I didn't. But 40 minutes of waiting in 35º weather made me wish I had asked and damn my motives. By the time I got home I could barely feel my nose and my toes had gone on vacation. Looking forward to snuggling into a warm bed tonight.

a shameless plug

I've been listening to John Piper online for almost six hours. The link on the right labeled 'John Piper' will take you to his biography on the Desiring God website (Desiring God Ministries is a christian resources company that John founded). Also on the site, under Resource Library, you can read, listen to or watch his sermons, read or listen to his narrative Advent poems, or listen to some interviews. If you click on the About Us tab, then at the bottom of that page is a News link. This is constantly, if not consistently, updated with sermon excerpts, short interviews, some church business, and other things pertaining to John or Bethlehem church. There's some good stuff there, you should check it out.

One reason I've been listening to John is because I miss my dad and John's voice is comforting (church is like a second home). Also, hearing his voice feeds/calms that adolescent crush I talked about. I wrote before that if you take away the object of an obsessee's affection it can produce the opposite effect. Listening to John online makes it easier for me to be more 'normal' (not so twitchy) when I'm around him at church.

by myself, Day2

As of yet, Dave hasn't called. I half hope he will before my dad gets back and Dave has a chance to ask him what he called to talk about. Awkward. Like I said yesterday, I don't know if Dave would believe it was an accident.

Church tonight was (as it always is) the highlight of my week, a little more so tonight. First off, John Piper always gets to the church early for the prayer group and also to get all his notes and whatnot in order. While I sat just outside the sanctuary reading John's latest book, he walked up and in passing put a hand on my shoulder and said hello. Unfortunately I was not expecting this and I only squeaked in reply. I meant to say 'hi' but what came out sounded more like an old man's dying gasp than actual words. But I also waved so I'm sure he got the message. Then when I headed down to the pre-service prayer, we passed in the hall and he smiled at me. I of course grinned like a fool. His smile is infectious, if you've ever talked with him you know what I mean. ;)

Anyway....

The sermon really got to me. Usually I end up with a slight headache afterwards because my brain is trying to process what John says on an intellectual level. But this one went right to the middle of me. It was on Romans 16:26, focusing on the glory of God. I'd have to look up the sermon text to remember how he got around to God filling every need in your life, but that's what he ended on. With recent events as they are it felt like he was talking to me. That's the problem with being unapproachable, even if Pastor John wanted to ask how I am (he is aware of some of my family's situation) he may not know how to ask. That doesn't mean I'm going to try and strike up a personal conversation anytime soon. I learned my lesson with Dave, and I'm not going to jeopardize what little acquaintanceship I have with John because of some leftover adolescent crush/fantasy.

After the sermon I wanted to talk to someone about how it affected me. But I found that the only ones I wanted to talk to were Ed, Pastor John, or another of the Elders whom I feel the same way about as I do Pastor John. So I got out of there and took the bus home, mainly out of respect for Lotis's wish that I keep my distance from Ed. I was also angry and frustrated. Angry at Lotis, and Dave, and myself. Frustrated at not being able to tell Ed what's going on. Technically there's nothing stopping me, but if I opened that box he'd never see me the same again. As it is I don't know if/how much he and Dave have talked. I could do what Dave suggested at the meeting and find a group of godly women to talk with. But I have this aversion to talking with women. Maybe it's because I don't think they'll understand me because I have never been able to relate to the women I come into contact with, or that they won't be able to relate to me because of all the far-out crap that goes through my head. Maybe it's because I don't like my mother or trust her advice and so find it hard to trust other women's advice or think it will be of any value. But I guess I could try. The worst that could happen is a couple wasted hours and possibly alienating some people I hardly know.

down and low

I think two whiskey-sours is my limit tonight. Given my state of mind lately, I probably should not drink. Alcohol is a depressant, which I don't need any help with.

I'm sitting here waiting for Dave to call, hoping to God he doesn't (but he probably will because that would just be frickin' perfect, wouldn't it?). Sitting here and listening to my "low" playlist on iTunes, songs like 'Drinkin Bout You' by Big&Rich, 'I'll Never Forgive My Heart' by Brooks&Dunn, 'Yesterday' by the Beatles, 'Rock Bottom' by Eminem, and 'Hurt' by Johnny Cash. God I'm so pathetic. A long ago friend once said that it's like I keep hitting my head against a wall because it feels good when I stop. That fits as well as anything.

But tomorrow is church, something to look forward to I guess. Another opportunity for metaphorical cranial damage as it were. Seriously, what little spiritual help I may glean from John Piper's sermon is far outmatched by the torture I go through with the 'what ifs' and 'you can'ts' and all the self-pity mixing with a self-righteous 'it's not fair'. On the one hand, I didn't ask to be hardwired as an emotionally needy leech. On the other, I'm not a kid. I can make choices to try and overcome the bad shit in me.

Growing up sucks.

by myself, Day1: points and problems

1) My dad left this morning with my older sister and her two kids to visit my younger sister in Tennessee. He left his cell phone here to be able to get ahold of me because our internet is dial-up with no second line for calls. He said I could take the cell with me if I go out (like to church tomorrow) and on that note I decided I should figure out how to put the ringer to silent.

2) In doing so I came across his call history and in it saw Dave's cell number. Thinking Dave had left a voice message (but with no real idea how to work my dad's phone) I pushed a button in the hopes of hearing said message that might be there. Instead I heard the phone start to dial. In my panic I completely blanked on how to cancel the call and it rang twice before I could hang up.

3) About ten minutes later my dad's cell rang, and guess who's number was on the caller i.d.? I ignored it. What was I going to say? "Hi, Dave. No that was me by accident." I think he'd have trouble believing I was sincere. They say honesty is the best policy, but does that count if you wouldn't be believed anyway?

4) Dave left a voice message, which I listened to, twice, and then deleted. He said he was in the middle of airport security (?) when 'dad's' call came through and said he might try and call 'dad' later this evening.

Now what am I going to do? Should I ignore him, hope he'll forget and go away? I've learned that just because you pretend something isn't there doesn't mean it disappears. Plus, since saving my dad's immortal soul is kind of Dave's pet project, I doubt Dave will forget. But I have an idea. I called Dave at about ten to noon, Dave called back a little after noon. The time frame is a little tight, but I might be able to say that my dad called Dave just before he left for Tennessee and when Dave called he just missed him. But if I answer the phone if Dave calls later, how do I explain why I didn't answer it before?

I know that the only reason I'm in this problem is because I wanted to hear Dave's voice, but I had no intension of actually calling him. (Though the only difference between hearing his voice in a message or live is a the way I justify it. Dave would still see it as a disregard for boundaries.) Even if I were to answer Dave if he calls tonight and convince him it was an accident, I know the truth of my own motives. I wanted to hear Dave's voice, period. No excuses for my behavior. I was wrong for even trying to 'listen in' on a message that was not meant for me.

So here is another quandry. Do I confess my slip to Dave and hope for understanding (if not forgiveness), or do I let it go? Should I voluntarily dig myself deeper into the pit (of my own making) of however he sees me now, or tell myself 'no harm, no foul'? Is honesty indeed the best policy? Can one be too honest, even in a situation like this?

Just yesterday I thought I was doing better. Maybe I am? After all, I did listen to Dave's message two times but then I deleted it. Although, I did call him in the first place, accident or not. Pertaining to my previous entry I'm starting to understand that just because you're sorry, it doesn't make everything alright.

an attempt at apology

A lack of an apology in any form (be it in person or just by letter) is, in my mind, worse than an extension of my 'sentence'. So I have decided to write a short note to Renee saying that I realized that I have not formally apologized to either her or Dave, and that I am indeed very sorry for what I did. Hopefully it will be taken as what it is, a sincere apology, and not seen as just another desperate grasp at contact. After this I will not be in any kind of contact unless they initiate it. The understanding of the egregious nature of my actions has made the edict of 'boundaries and barriers' more reasonable if not more bearable.

quandry

In 'objective thinking, part3' I relayed about two bus passes that Renee sent me. Now I'm wondering if I should reply. Should I write her a thank you/apology? Or should I not make any contact and again risk being seen as a cold person? Every time I think about the potential for continued harm to this relationship I get queasy. If I keep pushing they'll likely cut off contact completely and forever, and I've already proven that I have a problem with boundaries, mental and emotional if not physical.

Would Renee see such a note of apology as some attempt to gain brownie points or shorten my 'sentence' as it were? That's exactly what I don't want to happen. I'm beginning to comprehend that it's easier to create a negative opinion of yourself in others than it is to get out from under one. Of course, I've been unwittingly developing this 'rep' for years and only just recently been working to invert it.

-sigh- Doc. Sig. and I will have quite the session next week.

in exile

I have been banished from Dave's. I have been banished from Messengers. This banishment has an indefinite time span, "until summer, and then we'll see" is what they said. Somehow that is worse than an irreversible decision, as slivers of hope seem to be the bane of my existence lately. So anything within the boundaries of Dave and Messengers is prohibited, but I must remember that there are other places I can go. I'm not as confined as I would have myself believe. The reason I have trouble seeing other possibilities is because Messengers was a large chunk of my social exposure, a sure go-to when I wanted to be around other people without actually having to be sociable. Which, when I think about it, is a big part of why I'm in this mess.

objective thinking, part3?

Romans 12:20 says, "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Verse 19 is about not taking revenge when it is perfectly justified. This verse says to take it one step farther and do good back. I'm not sure if the 'burning coals' indicates the guilt the 'enemy' would feel or something more eternally damning.

The reason I quote this verse is this. In today's mail I got a small card from Renee who has more right to be furious with me than anyone in this mess. Inside were two free-ride passes for the city bus and this handwritten note:

"Somehow these free passes appeared on my desk, and I immediately thought of you. Hope you can use them to take the bus, then you could use that money for something more fun. I was blessed by your attitude the other night. God bless you, Renee. P.S. I've been praying for you."

First off, even if she did think of me first, she didn't have to send them to me. I figured she'd never want any contact with me for at least the duration of the 'making space' period and then some. But then, I don't have a "do good to your enemies" attitude. As for my attitude the other night (the meeting on Sunday) she probably means she's glad that I didn't sulk and whine about being nudged out of Messengers 'for the good of the group', or get angry and start yelling and trying to assign blame. Yeah I'm upset. It was the only social contact I have/had outside of church proper. But it did save me from the awkward situation of trying to explain that noway was I going to the Philippines.

My point is that Renee did send me the free passes even after everything I did. I still haven't apologized to her. I don't deserve to know these people, to have them call themselves my friends. That's part of the reason I stayed so distant in the first place, figuring that if they really got to know me they wouldn't want to be around me.

Lotis asked something like that, why I would think they wouldn't want to hang around me. I told her, "You don't know me." She said she didn't have to know me to see me as a valuable human being. However, she also told me that for the first few years she knew me she thought I was retarded because I barely spoke when she tried to talk to me. Then later after she'd had a real conversation with me and realized I am intelligent, it changed her opinion of me. So isn't it then a justifiable fear on my part that they would think less of me because of who I really am underneath my public face? I guess I should have let them make that decision for themselves instead of assuming. But that's me, not even 'Hope for the best', just 'Assume the worst'.

objective thinking, part2

In my 11/22 post ('edgy, for multiple reasons') I said I wanted to tell Dave 'I'm sorry' over and over, not because I actually was sorry for what I'd done to him, but because he'd reacted in a way contrary to what I'd planned and I wished I'd kept my mouth shut and wanted to take it back. I still had hope that everything could be made right. But now I'm learning the true meaning of being penitent. I had no right to do what I did. I was so self-absorbed in how it would affect me that I couldn't see how deep the issue was/is and the far-reaching fallout of the consequences, not just to myself but to Dave and Renee and Messengers.

I can see why some people turn to drinking in situations like this (though my problem is far from dire by many standards). I hate feeling this way. But I brought it on myself by indulging in fantastical thinking about a married man near twice my age, and then telling him about it. I could take the easy way out and tell myself, "Well if you'd just kept your damn mouth shut..." Or that it's a complete misunderstanding and overreaction on Dave and Renee's part. But no, it was the right thing to do being honest to Dave about my motives, and Lotis, Dave, and Renee agreed wholeheartedly. Better to be honest and have it hurt for awhile than to just leave it to fester and create worse problems down the road.

Ya, that's the logical side of me talking, which is what I need to be listening to right now. If I let the emotional, desperate, obsessional side of me start thinking for me again I'm likely to do something impulsive and irrational, not to mention very stupid.

I know this has the potential to spill over into the precarious emotional middle ground that Ed is now in. I have trouble maintaining that middle ground (hence Bill, and now Dave) and I DO NOT want to lose the last good friendship I have because I can't keep a damn handle on some leftover adolescent fantasy. But I don't want to sink farther into being emotionally unavailable without being aware of it. Like a closed book (or a sealed book).

I know it's decision time. Yet I recoil at the mere suggestion.

objective thinking, part1

It seems in my experience that the right decision is often the least appetizing. Maybe it's because I make so many little, short-term wrong decisions that when it comes time to pay up it nearly cripples me.

I keep deleting sentences here trying to justify why I shouldn't attempt to explain how I feel. But now I'm thinking, what the hell. If you can't vent your emotional and psychological frustrations in your blog where else can you? So here goes.

What sticks in my mind the most from Sunday's meeting is the realization that I do affect the people around me. I've spent the majority of my growing up as the outsider because everyone I came into contact with (my social circles being school and church) already had their clique of friends and I was not outgoing enough to 'bully' my way in. I spent so long feeling invisible that eventually I convinced myself that I was, an unremarkable non-entity that was forgotten as soon as I was out of sight. Then if they did make an effort to include me, I would say 'thanks, I'm fine by myself' because I figured they didn't really mean it, that they were just feeling sorry for me. I'm starting to think pity has gotten a bad rap over the years, I'm realizing being pitied is better than being feared.

Lotis actually said that. She said that after so many times of trying to get me to join the group and me continually rebuffing them, they (or rather she) started to think I was cold and unemotional and they became afraid to talk to me. I was a little peeved that she never mentioned this before but now I know why no one did.

The Oxford American Dictionary describes an introvert as "a person predominantly concerned with their own thoughts and feelings." I often wondered what Dave and others thought of me, how they saw me, but I never took an objective look at myself from their point of view. I'm beginning to see now that I am very much centered on myself and have been for a long time. I've kept myself to myself for so long that it hasn't occurred to me for quite a while that there are other people out there being influenced by what I do or not, or what I say or don't. It was disconcerting to hear Lotis say that Renee had forgiven me. At the time I didn't know what I should be apologizing for. Now it's starting to sink in and I'm thinking, 'Oh my god, what have I done?!' Despair; anguish; melancholy; despondency; these are a few of the words to describe how I feel when I think of the trust I've betrayed in Dave and Renee. All the times I've been to their house, played with their kids, gone to church and eaten dinner with them, all the while under false pretenses. And my thinking it wasn't a big deal, it was my problem to deal with. But it was a huge deal that I'm just now grasping.

in denial

I've been biting my nails all day and my neck is stiff and sore.

You'd think something as big as yesterday's meeting/decision would keep my mind mulling for days. But I find I'm not at all that eager to replay the conversations of last night. I can sense something emotionally gargantuan waiting to pounce on me and denial feels like the safest (if not the healthiest) place to be right now. I know I'll have to face it sooner or later, hopefully before my next appointment with Doc. Sig. so I don't come completely unraveled. Though if I knew said unraveling was inevitable and had to choose a place, I'd have it be there.

Have you ever seen the movie 'The Final Cut' with Robin Williams? It's a Drama/Horror about sometime in the future where science has made it possible to have an implant put in your brain to record your life, everything you see and hear. On that premise, I have what happened last night bracketed between a specific time-point memory of yesterday at a couple hours before the meeting and then writing yesterday's evening post. If I let this denial continue for too long, that time between will start to disintegrate and become fuzzy and unreal till I suppress it completely almost to the point of misremembering how it happened.

Can the practice of trying to precisely delineate between emotions lead to a split personality? I don't think so. At my previous appointment Doc. Sig. told me I have to learn to delineate the feelings I have for Dave (between romantic and father-figure type) but I doubt he meant learning to switch them off. He's already said he's afraid I'm becoming emotionally unavailable.

In other news, I have classified my attendance of the Saturday night prayer group as 'an experiment in altering interpersonal perception'. In plain speak, I want to see if the change in physical and emotional/spiritual proximity between myself and John changes how I see him. It is and will hopefully remain a completely one-sided experiment because if he caught a hint of my intentions it would become awkward. It's not like he could banish me from attending, but I'm quite sure I would no longer be welcome.

Uh-huh.....right.

Well, guess who's out of Messengers? Dave and Lotis said that because of certain boundaries that need to be in place for my sake, as well as because of the larger cause of the Messengers ministry (because the hint of the possibility of an extramarital affair could be irrevocably damaging), they told me it's a good idea to create some space. TRANSLATION: "We need you to leave the group so you don't endanger it, but also for your own well being."

Huh?!

One of the first sentences out of Dave's mouth was, "We think you need help." Well, duh. See this is the problem I have when I try and talk to other people besides my therapist. Doc. Sig. is THE only one who knows almost all of me. When others get glimpses and snippets of what lies under the surface of my personality they don't understand because they have no context to compare it to. And it is such a pain in the ass, not to mention time consuming, to try and explain where I'm coming from. I probably should have mentioned to them that I've been in therapy for about half my life. But I'm sure then they would have wondered why I'm not better.

The next sentence out of Dave's mouth was, "I don't think I can help you. I don't think we (he, Renee, Lotis) know how to help you." Meaning the affinity I have for older, often married men. He doesn't see a way for him or his family to help/council me given this affinity that I do have (boundaries and conflict-of-interest). And I understand that. I went into this meeting in a very practical and logical state of mind. I knew that if I let my emotions in they would take over and leave me an incomprehensible and unintelligible ball of tears or a sulking and pouty seven-year-old. That I definitely did not need right now. At several points in the talk I could feel myself close to tears because they were saying things I didn't want to hear, but I told myself beforehand I would not cry in front of Dave. Not that he'd see it as just weakness but also as immature behavior, the pouty seven-year-old. It'll probably hit me when I go to bed tonight, I'll just sob quietly into my pillow.

I realized tonight that I am a mess of contradictions. Part of me is logical but I can also be fantastical and irrational. I can be (or at least seem) mature but I am also pouty and at times just can't understand 'why not?'. I can be calm and disinterested on the outside but inside I'm a turmoil of emotions. When I was sitting at that little coffeehouse table with Lotis and Dave and Renee, part of me wanted to stand and scream 'Fuck you!' in their faces and than storm out and walk home. I didn't do that for 3 reasons.

1)The only thing it would have achieved would be to release my pent up frustration, mostly with myself.

2)It would have proved Lotis's opinion that I am cold and antisocial, which I'm not. (Like the t-shirt says: I'm not antisocial, I just don't like you.)

3)The temperature outside was around 15˚above zero and we were close to a mile, maybe more, from the apartment.

I had a feeling that if I screamed at them I would then have to leave or I'd go farther than I'd be able to justify later. I don't know for sure but I wasn't about to take the chance with it being so cold out. 'So you would have if it was sunny and 70?' I don't know.

Lotis then went on to say that after the spring run of Messengers' latest production, we'd get back together and reassess where I am spiritually and emotionally. She said that since the Messengers do a lot of stuff together over the summer I could try reintegrating in that setting, also stopping by sometimes to watch rehearsals. In other words, for the sake of all involved, yourself included, stay away for now. As if I didn't already feel like an outsider. So I'll be out until at least the summer, more likely for good because I don't foresee any radical change in me. This is a big part of who I am. I'm not a social person, and I like older guys. I would never make any kind of move if they're married, most likely even if they're single. I've written before that it would be a far bolder move than is in me to make.

(I better wrap this up, it's getting long.) Lotis also mentioned Ed, that he's desperately trying to put his life back together (he's a new Christian) and though he may seem all put together, he isn't, so to not 'tempt him'. Basically be neurotically aware of my words and actions around Ed so as not to give the wrong impression. After Dave, no problem. I've already said I'm getting uncomfortable with Ed's continued driving me home, precisely because of the present situation in which I find myself mired.

I've vented enough for tonight. A night's sleep may put a twist of perspective on it and I may write more tomorrow.

It's about time.

That's what I said after Renee (Dave's wife) called this morning to set up a meeting for this evening between her, myself, Dave, and Lotis (the director of the Messengers drama group) in order to talk about "this situation". But after I said that I realized there was no substance behind it, no frustration or angst. Not even a desperate hope that once I plead my case everything will go back to the way it was before. In fact, my first reaction to seeing Dave's number on the phone's caller i.d. was surprise. It's been about 7 weeks since my last conversation with Dave, and I figured if he hadn't talked to me by now he never would. But I guess the opposite was true, it just took longer than I expected. I understand now that that is a very good thing.

Remember when I said I thought I was about halfway to being over Dave (Baby Steps-10/30)? Hah! Even two weeks ago I would have cringed at the thought of being around Dave because of how I thought/think he sees me, as an unstable leech with daddy issues. Granted that is my nature (which I am trying to change) but I didn't want Dave to see it that way. But since it is my nature, this outcome was practically inevitable once I opened my mouth. And as I've said before, I'm sorry it was the cost of a 'normal' friendship with Dave that taught me this life lesson.

But back to the meeting. On the one hand I'm glad because I do miss Dave and his family. As I've said before (or perhaps not, I don't remember) they filled a need. But on the other hand, I'm already nervous around Dave. But then you add in Lotis (who was a bit of a tyrant in the kindest sense of the word) I'm downright scared. I'm sure you've heard of 'A-type personality'. Lotis is that and then some. She's not a bully, but she can be overbearing. I have to remind myself to not go overboard on the defensive, playing the wounded victim. But I also must make the extra effort to not clam up if they say something I don't want to hear.

trapped in a self-imposed loop

My brain is turning to mush, I have no motivation to leave the apartment. My typical day consists of waking up around 10 in the morning, getting half dressed, playing my Gameboy or reading, and watching tv. Usually I would go out for a walk during the day, but it's been cold here and is supposed to get colder before the week is out.

The question that plagues me is 'why?'. Why get out of bed? Why get dressed? Why? Some may say getting out of the apartment is reason enough in itself. Ok, but then what? Go for a walk? Where? Wherever I go I have to come back here anyway, so why not save myself the trouble and just stay put?

Ugh,

-covers face with hands, shakes head-

I'm doomed, dooooomed!



.....sometime later.

Actually, today doesn't look bad. At least it's sunny out, though not necessarily warm. I think I will go out, even if I just stand outside the door to get some fresh air. Later, I'm off to freedom. :)

Saturday @ church

Well....

First off, when I got to church I washed the marker off my hands. I realized it was an immature attempt to act out and say 'look at me' without actually saying it. After my younger sister's multiple suicide attempts (nowhere near serious) I promised myself that I would never commit some half-assed stunt for attention. If I mean to do something, I'm going all the way. That's why I told Dave my motives instead of dropping hints here and there hoping he'd get it. I went to him instead of playing games and making him come to me. I've found that rarely works.

I got to church early, as always, but waited for Ed before going downstairs to the room where the group meets. I wanted someone to metaphorically hold my hand during this tense experience (though I highly doubt he was aware of anything more than me being nervous). At first there were only about five people there including Ed, his son and myself. Not wanting to appear too clingy to Ed I chose to put a chair between us instead of sitting right next to him. Then John walked in and took the empty seat, so he was sitting not ten inches from me.

When the 'prayer meeting' got underway, John started by outlining what he'd be talking about this evening. The title of his sermon was 'God Strengthens Us By The Gospel', quoting from Romans 16:25-27*, with his main focus on the first half of verse 25, "Now to Him (meaning God) who is able to strengthen you (meaning us)....". He said he'd go over what that meant for men, women, boys and girls. When he mentioned women he looked at me, the only woman in the room at this point. I didn't exactly look back at him, more at his ear. I know it's a self-esteem issue, not being able to look people in the eyes, but I'm working on it. I'd just rather not start with the most revered man in my limited social circle right now. Almost everyone in the group prayed, John prayed twice plus a closing prayer. At the end the group didn't actually lay hands on John, which turned out to be fine. If I'd been allowed to touch John he probably would've felt my arm shaking I would have been so nervous/giddy.

Afterwards the group filed out, most of us heading up to the sanctuary for John's sermon. I found the problem with going to the prayer group, the first three pews of the sanctuary are almost packed so I had to slide past/walk on people to get a good seat. The thing is I didn't mind. Even when I lost my balance and practically fell in this guy's lap, I didn't care. I guess being that close to John took most of the social fear out of me for the night. Maybe I should go more often.

P.S. I stopped by Dave's to reclaim a Gameboy game I lent to his son (yes, half hoping Dave would answer the door). But he was nowhere in sight.

-was that a sigh of relief or disappointment?-

P.P.S. I did get a ride home from Ed, but only because he offered. It would've been rude to refuse.



*Read more at
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/

They should have tonight's sermon up by Mon.

It's Thanksgiving. Be happy, dammit!

Happy Thanksgiving to my U.S. readers. I spent the day at my cousin's with my dad, aunt, grandma, older sister and nieces. We had turkey and ham, sweet potatoes, cornbread stuffing, cranberry sauce, and an apple caramel cake for dessert. My cousin has cable, so after watching the Miami vs. Detroit game I got to watch Animal Planet for four hours.

This morning when I woke up I thought for a brief second about going over to Dave's, but he's probably out in Missouri with the extended family. I knew John would be home because he said his family hasn't missed our church's Thanksgiving day service in something like 12 years. But then reality clicked back into place with 'Thanksgiving is a day for family. You are not a member of either of theirs, hence you have NO reason to be anywhere near them today.' Reluctantly I agreed.

So, until Saturday then.

edgy, for multiple reasons

Janne hasn't called, he hasn't emailed, hasn't IM'd. Color me a little worried (holds index and thumb a quarter-inch apart). This is not obsessive thinking here, I haven't been flooding him with IM's and emails. It's just that about a week ago he told me he'd call to further finalize bus and plane tickets, but so far he hasn't called. I told Janne that I don't like leaving at the last minute and dropping it in my dad's lap as I walk out the door. "By the way Dad, I'm going to Sweden for a couple weeks." It's going to be hard enough to drop any plans I have made with people with no intention of keeping.

In other news....

What other news? The only other thing on my mind is Dave. Not for reconciliation, I've resigned myself to 'limited contact'. But sometimes I just want to scream in Dave's face, "You wanted space, I gave you space. So what the fuck else do I have to do?" I just want to know that he doesn't resent me.

On the one hand I want to grovel at his feet and repeat over and over, 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...'. I want to get on my knees and beg to be forgiven for overstepping my bounds. On the other hand, "Fuck you, Dave." jumps to mind and I would like nothing more than to punch him.

It's probably a good thing Dave got out when he did. He saw the tip of the iceberg, a sliver of obsession fueled by Absent Father Syndrome. I've been diagnosed with depression (but who hasn't nowadays), the obsessional tendencies, some sadistic behavior (with pets), and a wicked bad temper if you hit the right button, usually if I'm forcibly pushed out of my comfort zone. I've also noticed a dark hole, it might (poetically) be called a blackness of the soul. This is something that has developed, you could even say it's been nurtured, over many years. I wrote about it briefly in my journal, describing it as "a cool detachment I fall back on when I don't want to deal with whatever's going on right then," be it a large and unfamiliar crowd or someone trying to pry into my personal business.

This Sat when I shall risk emotional life and limb for a chance at close proximity to John Piper, I'm thinking of the possible stirring up of quite a fuss. Now don't ask me why, but lately I've taken to marking the backs of my hands with the astrological symbols for Aquarius and Capricorn, the two signs of which I could be either. Need I remind you all that this is a Baptist church that takes the Bible as THE word of God in all things blah, blah, blah? I don't know how keen they'd be about having their pastor prayed over by someone with astrology affiliations, however small. Well, I figure if I can take the personal emotional leap of being in the same room with John, then I can take a chance on getting kicked out for expressing myself.

Also, and this has more to do with my self-image, I will not be asking Ed for a ride. I think four Saturdays in a row is pushing it. I do see this not asking as a lame attempt to lure Ed into a conversation about my self-worth, looking to him for validation, but if he doesn't say anything I'll be just as content taking the bus home. By Sat nite I'll have convinced myself that I deserve no better.

do I dare?

Every Sat nite before service (as well as several times during the week) the elders of my church, and anyone else who wants to, participate in a pre-service time of prayer. This past Sat after church when I got a ride home from Ed, he asked why I don't join them for prayer. Knowing he would ask sooner or later I had thought it through carefully (which has never failed me in the past, right?) in order to give a believable, if not entirely honest, answer.

First off you should know that John Piper is head pastor of my church. This may not mean a lot to some but I'm sure others are gasping, 'No way, THE John Piper?!' My thoughts exactly. He's considered by many to be a great biblical scholar and preacher. I've been sitting under his teaching since I was a babe and have a very deep awe of the man. Unfortunately I have a hard time seeing him as a mere man, but instead as The Great John Piper shepherding a flock of thousands. (Cue the trumpets.)

He'd probably be mortified to know I once considered him on par with God (back when I didn't know much about either one). It goes back to the opinion I have of myself, then put that up against this Biblical icon (John, not God) that I have revered and respected for the majority of my lifetime. I feel completely unworthy to stand in John's presence, but this I did not tell Ed. I told him that the reason I don't join the pre-service prayer group, which John Piper invariably attends, is because I would be there for the wrong reasons. I would be so busy listening to John talk instead of hearing what he'd be saying. I'd get caught up in the nuances of his speech, the slight southern twang in his voice, the words in his vocabulary and how they differ from mine. I would completely miss the point of being there, which would be to petition God for grace and mercy through his son Jesus Christ in order to sustain John and his message to the ultimate glory of God.

-pauses to suppress giggles-

I talk a good game but most of the time it's bullshit. What can I say, I was practically deluged as a kid and now I find it all a bit silly. That's the other side of 'the wrong reasons'. I wouldn't be going there to be supportive of John's ministry, but just for the chance to be in close proximity to him.

I must tread carefully, my obsession is beginning to show.....ah, fuck it.

Since this past Sat (even before writing this) I have convinced myself that, yes, I will go, and for the exact reasons stated above. At this point I don't really give a fuck about the reasoning behind it. I want to see John from closer than 15 feet, hear his voice without a microphoned echo, be close enough to smell his aftershave. Ed said that after the general prayers, everyone lays hands on John to pray specifically for him. Oooooh, goody.

Let them think what they will about the whys behind my presence, I'll never tell.

in expectation of....what?

In March of 05' I started having an online conversation with a man, his name is Janne (like John but not quite), in Sweden. We met at an online alternative dating site and started exchanging on-site emails. Over the next few months this progressed into emails separate from the site, then to phone calls. This went on until Sept when my mother decided she'd had enough of trying to change my dad and kicked him out of the apartment. Being the loyalist that I am (and beginning to see my mother for the control freak she is) I decided to go with him. I have never made a better decision, by the way.

So there we were, my dad and I, in a new place with no cable or video games or internet. It was almost eleven months before we got an internet hookup (boy did I have email stacked up) and I was able to resume my correspondence with Janne. Over the months this has evolved into a potentially romantic relationship. I don't know for sure because we've never met face to face, a problem we were close to rectifying before the transplant and now are closer to than ever. Hopefully within the next couple weeks I will be flying to Sweden for two weeks and we'll see where it goes from there.

Now, to the title of this post. Even before now I've had this anticipation of something big. Something looming on the horizon that I'm being drawn towards, something potentially life changing. Going to a foreign country for a relationship with a guy I've never met could turn out very good or very bad (ever seen the movie Human Trafficking?), but if you've read my previous posts you know that my life is more oyster than pearl. I'm pretty much at the end of my rope and willing to take the chance. My opinion of myself is so low that becoming a trafficked prostitute would be a step up, or at least a change of pace that would break the grey fog of monotony my life has become.

But anyway, back to that sense of expectation. My point is if this isn't it, if Janne is legit but sends me home saying that this isn't what he's looking for, what do I do then? Get a job flipping burgers? Tour the clubs looking for one night stands? (Remember, I'm not a shallow person. Never have been, never will be.) This has been my goal for almost a year now, before which I had none. If this doesn't work out, where can I pin my compass on North? My therapist often asks me what I'll do if this doesn't work, and I've never been able to answer him because I don't know. I can't see past going to Sweden because it is such a potentially life altering event and I can't base decisions off of an unknown possibility. I don't know what the answer will be and so I won't know what to do next until I have a prompt in direction.

If (big if) everything is legit and Janne says it can work, great. I come back to the states to tie up loose ends and pack a few things and then back to Sweden. If things are not as they seem and I end up serving in some den of sodomy, that's the chance I took knowing full well what could happen. If it's legit but Janne says 'thanx, but no' then I come home with a big metaphorical rejection slip tacked to my forehead....and I have a half-formed maybe of a plan. If this latter is how it all goes, then so much the better that I haven't been able to get in touch with Bill. 'A dish best served cold.' and all that.

contemplation/revelation

Saturday was, what, 5 days ago? It feels like so much longer. Not a whisper, not a hint from Dave. And why should there be. He probably doesn't know what to do with me now, has written me off as unstable and is acutely aware of how people would misconstrue our being in any kind of proximity to each other. That's not a good feeling even when it doesn't involve inappropriate familiarity, the feeling that people are watching you and judging your every word and gesture.

I'm sorry I did this to you, Dave. I'd rather you not have to carry that responsibility of being overly aware that you must be cautious in what you say and do. Not that you shouldn't, but that you shouldn't have to be constantly aware of it. It's painful when such an innocent thing as a handshake or a hug hello is transformed into 'inappropriate'. I did that. I was lonely for a friend, but I was stupid and naive and it cost us both.

There were misunderstandings on both our parts, as I've said before. But even if things had gone according to what I'd thought, the end result would still be the same. So it's unfair of me to blame you and say "You were supposed to understand." As much as I thought I'd meticulously planned this out, I can't control what you think or how you reacted. I thought I knew you well enough (boy was I wrong) and I forget that what sounds rational in my own mind is often the farthest from 'normal'. It's hard to stay within the realm of rational when my (ex) best friend won't/can't talk to me. But it's worse to know that it's my own fault.

I was aware, as much as is possible, of my intentions. I thought you were also, but that was just my misreading of your well-meant intentions. I see now that I pulled a sneak attack. I highly doubt you were totally ignorant of the possible ramifications of the misperceptions (or not) of others, but I don't think you had any idea what you were in for, the depth of my problem and my ill-fated, off-road tactics at what I perceived to be a solution.

All this is to say that I'm sorry you got dragged into the confusion and sometimes contradiction that is me. I'm sorry (for both of us) that I have such difficulty being just friends.

a poem

I subscribe to Writer's Almanac, an online publication of Minnesota Public Radio (I think). It's a daily publication with poems and interesting events like the birthdays and lives of semi-celebrities, usually authors. In one of these I read a poem that almost nails what I feel now when I look at Dave (or rather when he looks at me).

My apologies to any copyrights I'm most likely infringing on.
Please don't sue me.



Anger

I killed the bee for no reason except that it was there and you were
watching, disapproving,
which made what I would do much worse but I was angry with
you anyway and so I put my foot on it,
leaned on it, tested how much I'd need to make that resilient,
resisting cartridge give way
and crack! abruptly, shockingly it did give way and you turned
sharply and sharply now
I felt myself balanced in your eyes—why should I feel myself so
balanced always in your eyes;
isn't just this half the reason for my rage, these tendencies of
yours, susceptibilities of mine?—
and "Why?" your eyes said, "Why?" and even as mine sent back my
answer, "None of your affair,"
I knew that I was being once again, twice now, weighed, and this
time anyway found wanting.

– C.K. Williams




If 'bee' is replaced with 'friendship' it all fits so well. Especially those last two lines.

' "Why?" your eyes said, "Why?" '
' I knew that I was being once again, twice now, weighed, and this
          time anyway found wanting. '

Every time Dave sees me now he's probably wondering why, why I did what I did (not just the collecting but also why I had to tell him). You know, I've been wondering the same thing.

Dave, I don't want to be found wanting in your estimation of me.

valuable info

My dad and I had a chat yesterday and, come to find out, Dave did in fact talk to my dad about my recent behavior. The reason my dad did not previously discuss said conversation with me was because he doesn't like to push me to talk, he'd rather I go to him. Also because Dave suggested he not confront me about it (hopefully with the same idea that I should be the one to make first contact).

My dad says that Dave's impression of the 'romantic' aspect of my obsession with him was indeed along the lines of marriage. I believe the words I used in my 10/16 entry were 'Dear God, no'. In all my naive fantasies I never considered marriage a possibility because it isn't. Dave is married and has six kids. He has a job and a life of his own, had one long before I came along. He's a Christian in the truest sense with solid, Bible based morals. Also, it would be far bolder than I'm capable of for me to presume he'd be crazy (or stupid) enough to give all that up for me. There's just no way in hell, given the kind of person I've come to know that Dave is, that anything like that would be possible.

But apparently Dave didn't see it that way. In our last conversation Dave said the problem wasn't that those things couldn't happen, but that they shouldn't. This is where Dave's ideas clash with the therapeutic advice I've gotten from Doc. Sig. This statement of Dave's implies that the expectations and feelings I have for him are wrong. Doc. Sig. has told me again and again that they are only wrong when applied, so it's ok for me to want Dave for my dad as long as I don't make an outward effort to bring that to fruition (like invasion of personal space or privacy, which I did with my collection).

So bottom line, I screwed up big time, but I'm sure you already figured that out. Dad said he'll try and explain some of this to Dave the next time they meet over coffee. But he said still no guarantees.

an interesting turn of events

Yesterday, Saturday, turned into an interesting day real quick.

After church yesterday evening I found my way to Ed because he said he'd give me a ride home. He then informed me that he and a friend of his had to take an exam for some church class they have, but that I could go with Ed's son Ben who was headed over to hang out with Dave's kids. Ed said he would be by later and then give me a ride home from there. I was hesitant since Dave's whole family is part of my 'problem' as Dave sees it, but figured it was ok since, last I'd heard, Dave was in the Philippines.

So as the whole group (Ben, me, my younger brother Matthew, the four youngest of Dave's kids, and the niece of Messengers' director) walked to the van Ben was driving (which is actually Dave's) I find out that, lo and behold, Dave is not in the Philippines. He ended up not going because of work schedule conflicts. So all the way back to Dave's I'm debating on telling Ben that I may not be welcome in Dave's house and could he please drive me home. By the time Ben parked at the curb at Dave's, though, I had resolved to see what Dave's reaction to my being there was before I made any rash decisions.

After Ben parked and everyone had piled out, I came around the back of the van and there's Dave coming up the walk to the house. I dropped my gaze so fast you'd have thought I'd seen a $100 bill on the ground. I wanted to crawl under the van, so afraid was I that Dave would rebuke me right there. I didn't make a move to go into the house until Dave had disappeared inside, and even then I did a physical double-take at the doorway because I was so sure that Dave wouldn't want me there.

Once inside I stayed out of sight until dinner, at which point I ended up directly across the table from Dave through no plan of my own (if I'd had my way I would've eaten on the stairway to the second floor, which is the farthest you can get from the dining room without being outside). At first while I was eating my head was so low that my chin was practically resting on the table and I kept my eyes on my food, but as the meal progressed (with no negative comment or body language from Dave) I became more relaxed and able to enjoy the evening a bit. It was actually a lot like the Messenger meetings with practically no interaction between Dave and I, no words exchanged and no eye contact that I can recall.

Renee isn't supposed to be home until Thur (but then Dave wasn't supposed to be home until then either) and I'm thinking of going over there on Mon and demanding that Dave and I need to talk. They say fortune favors the bold, I just wish I didn't get a weak feeling in my knees and stomach whenever Dave looks at me.

dumber than....

You would think I'd learn my lesson. I haven't screwed up with Ed, not yet anyway. But the first draft of this post began with me venting some of those vengeful fantasies I was talking about at the end of my 10/20 entry. I can't seem to get it through my thick skull that what builds up in my mental processes is not to leave my head under any circumstances whatsoever.

I realize that, with all the blogs out in the ether, how many people are there that actually read mine? But it would only take one to alert 'the proper authorities' or 'the men in white coats'. It would have been fine ten years ago, but it gets complicated when you're an adult. Besides, my sister has been on the inside of the mental care system and I don't need to go there, thank you very much.

But anyway, tomorrow is church. I'm getting a ride home with Ed, NO talking about my problems (my horoscope says so), but it'll be nice to just hang out.

keeping busy

It's a good thing Dave is out of the country (he's in Manila, Philippines doing 'meet 'n' greets' with churches for the Messengers' trip there next year) because I am jonesing for someone to talk to. I debated on talking with Ed, but that kind of thinking is what got me in this situation with Dave in the first place, and my next appointment with Doc. Sig., my therapist, isn't for another week and a half. Ack, I just have to keep my mind off it. Which is hard to do when the only social life I had was Messengers. Now the only thing I can look forward to in my week is Sat. church.

I've been going to that church since I was about 8 years old, have been through all the kid's Sunday school classes, preteen girls groups, Jr. and Sr. High youth group (with their innumerable retreats), as well as a few adult small groups. I grew up in that church, it's very much a second home. I feel safe and secure there even with its big crowds of recognizable faces to which very few can place names. It's been one of the constants in a life that feels directionless and I have a lot of memories tied to that church, some bad, but very many good ones too. That's part of the reason I end up there two hours early when I take the bus in. I'd rather be doing nothing there than doing nothing at home.

I think I'll call Ed for a ride to church (he's offered before) and gauge if the situation would be conducive to a talk. I'd just have to pick and choose my words extremely carefully if we do talk. And whatever I do, DO NOT mention the word obsession.

beer and nutroll thoughts

Right now I'm sitting at my computer drinking a beer and eating a salted nutroll. It's a good combination for pondering all the shortcomings of myself and others in my pathetic life. (Sorry for that bit of bitching there.)

Messengers is over and done until spring when we (they) start up on a different production. I doubt I'll be participating because said production is "training" for when the Messengers go to Manila, Philippines in fall of '07. So I think this was it for me, no more surrogate family, no more opportunities with Dave. Ed and I will probably still be in contact because I've been semi-editing a novella he's writing. But, as with Dave, I have to keep my distance and let Ed make the contact instead of me going to him.

Still no contact with Bill, which is starting to look very much like a good thing. As long as I keep this new sense of detachment I've acquired and not get overly emotional and nostalgic when/if I do talk with him, I'll be fine.

Yeah, right, fine.

the Twilight Zone

These past couple days have been weird for the simple reason that it always feels like it should be later than it actually is. I'm sure you're thinking,"Duh, we just had a Daylight Savings reset." That would be fine for an hour, maybe two. But I'm talking about it's 11 AM and it feels more like 4 in the afternoon. Or it's 3 PM and it literally feels as if time has stopped, like 8 PM will never get here.

It might have to do with the change in seasons, or maybe it's just my brain in process of resetting itself. I hope it hurries up and gets done. Too much of this can make one go loopy, and I really don't need the extra help right now. The only way I can describe this feeling is it's as if I've lost the hours, but they haven't even happened yet. My brain seems to be getting ahead of itself, then slamming on the brakes. Not a fun feeling, almost paranoid in its aspects.

But enough of that. Tomorrow, Friday. I only have to get through tomorrow (repeats repeatedly to self). Then rehearsal, then our final performance with cast party to follow (which reminds me, I need to pick up some pop!).

missed connection (again) and other news

I went to the Ghost Trolley (see second half of second paragraph in 10/23 entry-'a new perspective, and a busy few days') tonight but Bill wasn't there.

I'm starting to think it's some kind of conspiracy, him always being absent when I go there. However, it is helping me to create some detachment from him. If he gets me pissed off enough I won't want to be around him anymore. I do need closure, though. Which means I will continue to visit the Museum until I can talk with Bill and hear his side of that fateful event back at MTS.

Umm, what else, what else.

This coming Sat, the 4th, is Messengers' final rehearsal (our final performance and then cast party is on the 5th). My inevitable opportunities with Dave are dwindling. Hopefully he'll do something, anything, to let me know we're ok before Messengers disbands until spring of '07. He has to make the first move. He's asked me (indirectly) to keep my distance, I'm doing that. I pretty much forfeited my privilege of freely conversing with him when I scared him with my obsessive behavior. *Sigh* God, this sucks. Stupid! Stupid! I see now, like with Ed, that I can keep my mouth shut and it's alright. No harm, no foul. But of course, hindsight is 20/20 as they say.

In other news, though related, my dad is having lunch with Dave tomorrow. Before all this happened, I had told Dave about suspicions I had that my dad may be fooling around on my mom. I know, not earth-shattering in today's world, but it was a big deal to me at the time. So Dave told me he'd ask my dad about it real subtle like. Maybe that's what this lunch meeting is partly about. Or, maybe Dave will ask if Dad knows what a kook he has in a daughter.

I may get a talking to tomorrow.

Baby Steps

Since I'm writing this in the AM of Mon. the 30th but talking about the evening of Sun. the 29th, some tenses may get goofy. Bear with me.

Sunday evening, Messengers had a performance. As was of course inevitable, Dave was there. However, I must be doing something right because he at least acknowledged my presence. I was on my way out of the sanctuary, he was on his way in with a cart-load of props. I had my head down, content to pass by as usual, but he surprised me with, "Hey, (and he added my name which I prefer not to post here)." Within the space of two seconds I debated on asking him, "Oh, are you talking to me now?" but immediately decided against it and just answered with a noncommittal, "Hey," almost as an afterthought in passing.

On the one hand, it's a start. No fireworks or happily ever after, but that's not real life. On the other hand, the fact that I'm making a bigger deal of this than it should be shows in itself that I still have a fixation issue. But, considering I haven't had steady contact with Bill for 5-plus years and I'm still stuck on him, things are actually speeding along quite nicely with Dave. I think I'm about halfway (to being over Dave). I do still really want to just be around him, but I'm getting to the point where it's not life and death if I don't see him. If he were to suggest I could come over and talk, even just to Renee, I'd probably say no (though it would curl me up inside) because I can see more clearly now that I do have a problem.

And we all know the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. (Not just for alcoholics anymore.)

an apple to an orange?

Why is it that I can I be just friends with Ed but not Dave? Is it only because the situation with Dave has rearranged my perceptions and definitions of 'friendship', thus redefining my expectations? Not entirely I think, though that is part of the equation (as it will be with any relationship from now on). Even before this, I haven't felt the fateful wanting of 'something more' or the need to explain myself to Ed. Perhaps it's because he is more like my own dad than Dave is, which makes it easier for me to be at ease around him.

As with my dad, Ed and I are buddies. We talk and joke, and we can come and go from each other's presence without my panicking. The only way I can explain this is that when Ed leaves, I trust that I'll see him again. Maybe it's because he's more informal, more casual, than Dave is. Ed is single, he doesn't work (he lives on a pension) but that doesn't mean he's idle, he shares a small basement apartment with his grown son, and he pretty much comes and goes as he pleases. Dave, on the other hand, is married, has a job that he goes to every day, a house to maintain, and four young children and a teenage daughter living at home.

Looking at it like this it seems to be no contest, and I'm wondering why I didn't see it before. However, if I'd attached myself to Ed in the first place, it might have been him that I had now estranged myself from. Given the choice, I'd rather have Ed.

a new perspective on an old friend

Every morning when I wake up I try and have no expectations for the rest of the day, for obvious reasons. Some of them can really suck. But today turned into a really good day. I made a new friend*, so Dave can just kiss my ass.

First, I went to a local blood drive sponsored by Memorial Blood Centers here in the Twin Cities (MN) and gave blood, my first time ever. It wasn't a thrill, but it was interesting. For a little while after I left I was afraid my arm would start spurting if I wasn't careful, but so far so good. Second, I caught the bus to the MN Trolley Museum hoping to connect with Bill, but no luck. *Sigh* That man is harder to get ahold of than a greased watermelon. So after I rode the trolley, I caught the bus up to my church (an hour and a half early) and just hung out.

Now this is where the 'really good' part of the day comes in. After service the plan was to get a friend of mine (another Messenger) to give me a ride home. Instead he (yes he) invites me to dinner. The first question, given my present circumstances with Dave, was, "at your place?" He said yes, and that there would be a bunch of guys ("well, not a bunch, just one") there. Relieved at the mention of another person present (a witness) I accepted.

His name is Ed, he's 53 (I think), and he's a talker (which is perfect because I'm a listener). In that 2 plus hours during dinner, he talked almost without stop, but I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I don't remember much of the conversation, even though he was telling some personal stuff for a lot of it, because I have discovered, post-Dave, that it's not so much what Ed says but that he says it, that he trusts me enough to be that open.

It's good to have a friend again.



*The American Heritage College Dictionary (1997) defines 'friend' as: a person whom one knows, likes and trusts

best intentions backfired

I said this weekend would be busy. I didn't get a chance to write yesterday and now I only have time for a quick note before I head out the door, not to return until 9p tonight.

As much as I say the Dave situation is over and done, it isn't. Being around him and his family filled a gap, a need in my existence. Now that he has forcibly extricated himself from that position, I find myself stuck on him more now than before. Whenever I see him at church I steal quick glances in his direction. I get apprehensive if he leaves the room (possibly never to return). The worst thing you can do to an obsessive is take away the object of their obsession because then they become more frantic to hold onto whatever they can that's left.

Dave, as much as you thought it would be a good idea, cutting me off was a bad move. You'll never get rid of me now.

Familial advice

I emailed my sister the other day for some advice on the present situation. She's been through some of the same shit as me (though not quite to my extreme) so I figured, what the hell.

She advised me that the best thing for me to do is back off completely, no e-mail, no phone calls, definitely no hanging out. Not even talking with Renee for awhile. She said it sucks, but nobody likes it when people get clingy, not even friends.

Fuck!!

Sorry, I've had a lot of built up angst this past week. Had to get that out.

So, that's that, the 'friendship' between Dave and I is kaput. Shit.

Gratitude and Regret

I just lost my train of thought, where the hell was I?

Oh yes, I remember now.

Dave, I would like to thank you for solidifying once and forever that my therapist is the only person I can talk to about what goes on in my head. As much as I planned and thought out what I said to you, it still didn't work. Also, what happened between us has made me appreciate other 'not-quite-freindships' and realize that they will very likely never be what I want them to be, but that I should enjoy them nonetheless.

I would also like to apologize. I'm sorry it had to be you that taught me this lesson because I would liked to have remained friends, and I don't know if that's possible now. You're one of the good guys, a great dad and loving husband (which seems to be a rarity these days).

Thank you for the books
Thank you for your time
Thank you for the best of intentions

I'm sorry I didn't see the forest for the trees.

I'll miss our talks.

A new perspective (and a busy few days)

Back home safe and sound. The Dave situation turned out to be no problem at all. On the way up he and I rode in separate vehicles, and he had to skip out of the return trip in order to renew his passport for a future Messengers trip overseas. While there, of course, I kept my eyes down and my mouth shut, which seemed to be fine with Dave.

This week I have essentially three days to myself: Tue., Wed, and Thur. Fri, the 27th is a rehearsal day; Sat nite is regular church; Sun the 29th is a performance nite; Mon I have another appointment with my therapist; and Tues. is Halloween, which is my best chance for connecting with Bill at the Trolley Museum (every year they run a Ghost Trolley ride on the Fri, Sat, and Sun before Halloween, and also on Halloween nite).

On the way back from Canada I was thinking about something my therapist said to me about a month ago. He said that if someone doesn't want to talk to me or get to know me, their loss. I need to stop seeing this as my problem alone, that if I had kept my mouth shut everything would be rainbows and butterflies. Short of having a sit-down conversation with Renee, I've done what I can to try and explain myself to Dave. If he can't lighten up a little and try to see both sides here, maybe he doesn't deserve my friendship instead of the other way around.

Sometime on one of my free days I need to call Renee and ask when we can talk. I'll call earlier in the day in order to minimize the chances of Dave answering. That would just set me off all over again.

Off to Canada! (to return in one piece?)

Sunday (tomorrow) I am traveling with the Messengers (the church drama group) up to Thunder Bay, Canada for a performance. We leave at 6 am, get there around 1:30 pm, eat a quick meal, set up, and put the show on. Normally I would be all nervous like because I've only been out of the country once before (which was also to Canada) and this is a completely new production. However, this whole thing with Dave is taking up so much brain time and space that I have little room for any other anxieties that would otherwise occur in a situation like this. Even Bill has pretty much vacated the arena at this point. The resulting effect of Dave and I being in such close proximity to each other for those many hours, both up there and back, will be interesting to see and experience. I doubt it will be anything dramatic. We'll probably continue to purposely avoid each other. Him because he doesn't want to encourage me in any way, and me because he has asked with every non-verbal cue that he wishes to remain at arm's length (or further if possible).

So I've already established that Dave won't talk to me. I think I'll have to just bite the bullet (swallow my pride?) and talk to Renee instead. The thought of that conversation makes me sneer in distaste, not only because I would much rather speak to Dave directly since this problem is between him and myself, but also because she has a softness and an unpleasant lilt to her voice that almost makes you think she has no backbone, that she can't stand up for herself. With many of her sentences that should be declarative (ending in a period) she adds a rising tone at the end which makes it into a question, like she's asking for your approval with everything she says. It makes it hard to listen to her for longer than a minute or so.

It's maddening when all that Dave will accept from me is a polite 'excuse me' when I need to pass by, that if I asked sincerely to just talk in an attempt at explanation, he'd defer to Renee in his lowest audible tone of voice. Yes, part of me knows that I brought this on myself. If I'd only kept my mouth shut I wouldn't be in this predicament. But then then another side pipes up with, 'But Dave said he was 'safe', dammit!. How was I supposed to know he'd get too freaked out to hear the entire story?'

Indeed, how was I supposed to know?

Crash & Burn-and a possible shift in loyalty

Dave was avoiding me last night, which is understandable given his false perceptions. But when I got his attention to try and give him my note (he was standing with Renee) he said,"You'll have to give it to her (indicating Renee)." And he said it in such a low tone of voice it's like he didn't even want to speak to me. Now I gotta say, Dave, that was just rude.

Hopefully after reading the note he'll have a bit of a change of heart. If not I'm afraid he may end up on the other side with Bill. Trust me, that's not somewhere he wants to be. I'd rather he not be there either because I do want him as a friend not an enemy (though that is probably too strong a word; it would be obsession but in the way that Dave now fears). I think in order to understand where it is Dave may be headed, I need to explain more about Bill and where he was versus where he is now.

In 1997, when I was 15, I started attending MN Transitions Charter Highschool in Mpls. It's a small school, not only in the size of the studentry but also in square footage. The teachers were very personable and let the students call them by their first names. Bill was the History/Geography teacher. He also taught some Special Ed. later on during my time there.

I don't recall what exactly it was that made me take an interest in Bill specifically. Maybe it was his age, maybe it was because he played Gershwin and Rachmaninov during class. I think it was because, like Dave, he didn't talk in sound bytes. He meant what he said and he really listened when I talked. He also helped me realize there's more to life than my own screwed up family. Whatever the reason, I was hooked, and for a while things were ok. Sometimes Bill would let me hang out in his room after school and we'd just talk (kind of informal therapy).

Then, as with Dave, I began wanting 'something more'. (Part of me says I don't know what 'just friends' means, but I think I just don't recognize it or am not satisfied with it when I do have it.) Now remember, at that time I felt there was something missing but I wouldn't have been able to describe it if you threatened me with a branding iron. When I approached Bill with the possibility of him being a kind of surrogate Dad, somewhere in the jumbled mess of my reasoning I knew for a fact that he wouldn't. But just the faintest sliver of a possibility made me go ahead anyway against my better judgement (just like with Dave). I gotta stop listening to those.

When Bill said,"I can't." without any explanation, it was at that moment that he went from a possible friend and mild obsession in a good way (if there really is such a thing) to the eventual object of my vengeful fantasies. The difference, I no longer liked him. You may be saying, 'What difference does that make?' but others like me will understand. The difference between a 'good' obsession and a 'bad' one is whether or not you like them. I've heard there's a difference between liking say, a family member, and loving them. The same is true of the obsessee. Obsession is what it is, not much changes that. But the flavor of the situation can change dramatically depending on whether you like them or not.

So that is what I'm hoping Dave does not become. I think the reason there's still a chance of friendship with him is because I've matured a bit in my views of friendship. Plus, Dave didn't slam the door quite as hard as Bill. I also haven't had six years to ruminate on the offense. So here's hopin, more for your sake, Dave, than mine.

the object of this problem

I meant to write this yesterday, but I was out of town with my Dad. Not a huge deal. I just prefer to write every day if possible. That way I stay in touch with the mood of the subject at hand.

The mood right now is a little panicked, a little eager, maybe a little confident. I have all but finished 'the note' and am feeling good with the result. The confrontation and possible outcome is what has me nervous. I just have to remember that this isn't all my doing. Dave said he was 'safe', dammit. There were misjudgments on both of our parts, which is why I shouldn't feel like I have to cower in a corner (but I probably will anyway after I hand off 'the note').

Maybe now is a good time for some more backstory.

The first time I can remember seeing Dave was about seven years ago, I think. At that time I was living in Mpls and he and his family moved in down the street on the next block. They were actually in the process of moving, nobody was living in the house yet. I don't recall how I came to be at the house, I just remember helping Dave and his oldest son to paint one of the upstairs bedrooms. Now, I probably saw him around church before that, but there was no reason for it to register.

The next time he pops up in my memory is when I saw him in one of the first productions of this church drama group that I am now part of. I'll let you put two and two together to figure out why I let myself get pulled into involvement. He's not the whole reason, but a big part of it.

So from that time until late Jan of '06 I was content to stay on the outskirts of his perception. Truth be told, I was scared of him (he says he gets that a lot). He seemed like he always knew what to say. And he never talked in sound-bytes (shallowly), he said what he meant and meant what he said (to the extent of his knowledge of the situation). Because of this, it took me a year to 'work up the courage' to ask Dave for a sit-down conversation. The topics of discussion were fear, distrust, and my dad. It was during that conversation that Dave said to me, "You want someone to talk to who's.....safe. I'm safe, Renee (his wife) is safe." He said that it might be better if I did talk to his wife. That's when I felt some intuitive hintings of his wanting to be cautious (I call it the Red Flag feeling) because of the potential possibility of the inappropriateness of the situation.

Well here we are, smack-dab in the middle of a possibility. But like I said, there's fault on both sides.

Trepidation

I'm going to be seeing Dave on Thursday. It's inevitable, we're both part of a drama group at our church. That is where my therapist suggested I give him the afore-mentioned note, hand it to him personally so I'll be sure he reads it. But even if the note goes directly from my hand to his, there's still no guarantee he'll read it. Or, like my therapist says, if he reads it there's no guarantee he'll respond favorably.

This whole situation is fucked. What in the world made me think Dave would be open to me sharing something like this? I mean Goddamn, he's just an engineer. He's not a counselor, or a teacher, or a pastor. He's a regular guy just trying to get through his own shit without too much of it sticking. It's not fair to me to be stuck in this shit-hole of a life, but it's even less fair to Dave for me to think I can go dumping my problems in his lap.

Maybe it was intentional, my blowing our potential friendship to quivering smithereens. I'm starting to think that on some subconscious level I did this unthinkable thing on purpose. I knew I was scared, sure. Who isn't when venturing into unknown territory? But I was so certain that Dave would understand what I was trying to say. Maybe I overestimated him or my own ability to adequately articulate my mind's inner workings. Either way I have got one hell of a mess to deal with. I didn't say fix because at this point that doesn't look doable. I can only write my little note and hope to God Dave hasn't set his new view of me in stone.

God, I am so screwed.

Not only did I tell Dave too much too soon, I wasn't clear about what I did say. So now he probably has some half-assed assumption that somewhere in the back of my mind I want him to leave his wife for me. Dear God, no. The last thing I want is to get married, even if it were to him. Any 'romantic' aspect of this relationship (however that may be classified) is more of an infatuation, like a little girl mooning over her older sister's boyfriend.

When Dave asked if I was obsessed with him in a romantic way, I answered yes because I wanted to be truthful. But that is NOT the whole story. If you've read my previous entries you know there's a lot of background shit in the mix. Unfortunately I wasn't able to elaborate on that history at the time of the ill-fated conversation, and now Dave won't talk to me.

My therapist (oh, don't look so surprised) suggested I write Dave a short explanatory note in an effort to clear up any misunderstandings. My fear is that whatever I say will be read with a preconceived bias that Dave has developed. I was always afraid of raising a red flag with Dave. Well I'm sure by now he's built himself a goddamned fortress based on misinformed opinion.

Like I said, I am so, so screwed.

foiled attempt

Maybe I'm being naive, but I called him (his name is David) yesterday to try and smooth things out. He wouldn't take my call. His wife (yes he's married, and early 40's if I hadn't mentioned it before) said that they had talked and both decided it would "be a good idea to limit contact." In other words, 'You're not welcome over here anymore you crazy freak.'

Lovely. Now instead of him just thinking I'm a little odd around the edges, he's afraid of me. I doubt he would ever admit that (he would most likely use the word concerned) but that's what it is, plain and simple. After almost a year and a half of observing him and interacting with him, I thought he was ready. He himself told me he was 'safe' to talk to, meaning that he wouldn't be quick to judge. I guess he just didn't know what he was getting himself into.

To kill a 'friendship'

I've had this blog (under various names) since March of '05, but have not had any real use for it. For my journaling I prefer to write longhand, particularly since I suck at typing. But today I did something.....not good. I killed a friendship that had no real right to have that done to it other than I couldn't keep my personal issues out of it.

Now, this isn't (wasn't) a peer friendship with someone my own age. I haven't had one of those since 4th grade. Having been consistently teased in school (since practically the fourth grade) I became more able to interact with adults. However, even though I am technically an adult, I have never formed what could be called friendships (whatever 'they' may say) because I don't trust anyone enough to form that kind of connection, much to my detriment I'm finding.

On top of this 'lack-of-trust/not-really-friendships' issue is a case of Absent Father Syndrome. When I was growing up my dad was present but not involved. The whole 'there but not there' thing. Not to say he was out gambling, drinking, and whoring. He wasn't. He just didn't seem to care whether I was there or not. The way I tried to fill this gap was looking for a 'surrogate Dad'.

Now technically I wasn't even able to articulate this need (wasn't really aware it existed) until Highschool. That's where I met Bill, my history/geography teacher. He was everything my dad wasn't: smart, intelligent, witty without being stupid about it, cultured, and most important at that time, he showed concern about me, he noticed me. Now before the red flag goes up about student/teacher involvement, Bill would have none of that. I would know because I broached the subject of a surrogate Dad and he replied a resounding 'No', end of discussion. At the time I didn't know of the Teacher/Student Policy which states that anything beyond friendship should be avoided. In other words, get too close (even with the most noble of intentions) and the school could be facing a sexual harassment suit from pissed off, overprotective parents. So I'm sure it was a CYOA sort of rejection not intended to be personal. Well that's not how it felt.

It may seem I'm straying from the subject at hand, but bear with me.

Before the brutal (but hopefully unintentional) stomping flat of the pathetically proffered heart, I became fixated on Bill as the solution to my problems. After said stomping, instead of looking elsewhere I became obsessed with Bill. I have never gone so far as stalking, but not for lack of research, just accurate info (and the funds needed to produce it). This obsession has become the norm with anyone new I meet who evokes the same feelings as Bill did/does. These obsessees are always men, usually around 55 years old (but one (the 'friendship' I just killed) is early 40's, whereas Bill is now, I believe, early 60's), most often with either graying to white hair. They also have an air of calm about them, a quality of unpretentious wisdom.

But like I said, I don't have friendships. I have barely better than a nodding acquaintanceship with those I am not obsessed with.

But getting back to the killed friendship.

Over the past few months, almost as long as I really started talking to this person, I've been collecting odds-and-ends, things he's thrown away or little off-hand things he's given me (without any other intention than being nice). I've kept them in a Converse shoe-box, each with a short description of how I came by it and the date on which I got it.

Unfortunately for me I all of a sudden developed a wanting for "something more". I wanted a real friend instead of just an object of obsession. Good friendships don't have secrets, at least not the kind I was keeping. So I did the only thing I could think of, I told him of my obsession with him. In addition to telling him everything, I gave him the box and all its contents.

Even after the fact of this full disclosure, the only reason I can come up with for spilling my guts is this: He's never been anything but kind and supportive and friendly to me. I at the very least owe him some fucking honesty. Secret obsessions and inappropriate intentions on my part are not conducive to friendship of any kind. If I can't be honest with him about my motives and then make a damn strong effort to get them under control, I don't deserve his friendship.